Horror-scope for News reporter and Journalists

Ever since I wrote this horrorscope, news reporters and journalists have been hounding me to write one for them. So here it goes

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – You will find that your newspaper had become the No.1 because of its utility on window panes.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – You will finish a heated TV debate, go to the wash room and suddenly say this to yourself.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Your seedy conversations will become the breaking news of the month

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – Your government sources will get revealed and it is this

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – Your hunt for the next TRP generating middle class Icon will end up with this fake.

Virgo (August 23 − September 22) –. You will get a birthday gift of this from God.

Libra (September 23 − October 22) – Your worse fears will be confirmed; your citizen journalists are starting a channel on their own.

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – Movie producers will bribe you to give bad reviews, because audience throng to see such movies.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – You will discover that CAGs next report is about concessions given by Government to media houses and losses to the exchequer

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – Desperate for breaking news, your editor asks you go to Mars and do a sting on Curosity.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – You will discover that these ads are fetching more revenue than the ads  telecast during your news bulletins.

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – You start an ad program with Google Adsense for your entertainment programs but find to your shock that most of the ads based on keywords is for this  product or this one

In case you are a journalist/news reporter and don’t experience any of these, please join a NGO and serve the poor. If you experience all of the 12, apply for lifetime achievement award in journalism.

Horror-scope for Bangaloreans

I tried blogging to supplement my income but is not working. My Google Adsense account has been banned thanks to an overzealous friend. To ensure earnings from blogs, I have decided to write horror-scopes for various categories of people. Charity begins at home, so does experiment and keeping in tune with this sentiment, I am starting out with writing horror-scope for Bangalore citizens.

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – You will find your parking space occupied by garbage because garabage generated by you does not have a parking space.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – Today if it rains heavily you will find that Bangalore has replaced Udaipur as city of lakes because you will find a lake in every road of Bangalore on your drive back home.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Today you will start believing that Bangalore roads are the arena for xtreme sports.

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – Your harassed psyche   will start suspecting that Curosity pictures are from some landfill for Bangalore garbage.

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – You would want to go on a hunger strike until footpath is renamed as lootpath.

Virgo (August 23 − September 22) – You would want to go on knees and prostrate before the CAG if they can tell you how many lakhs of crores Bangaloreans have lost due to a non - existent infrastructure.

Libra (September 23 − October 22) – You will believe that you are driving on American roads not because of the quality of roads but because most two wheelers are driving on wrong side of the road and the traffic cops are doing nothing about it.

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – You would want to know from the athletics federation why Bangalore pedestrians are not allowed to compete in the Olympics. Even Usain Bolt can’t cross a speeding vehicle more quickly.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – You would want to scream at Mallya `If you had run KFA with purely profit only model like BMTC buses, your model airhostess would have still been employed’

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – Your poor mathematics skills will suggest that going to Mars is cheaper than buying a house in Bangalore.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – You would want the IIMs to include a chapter in their syllabus on `How to convince Bangalore autowallas to go where you want to?’

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – You would want to know from BESCOM why power supply quality is as unstable as the ministry in power.

For  tomorrow’s forecast please interchange with the sun sign of your liking and if on any day, you have all the 12 experiences, please contact  here for  further  assistance.

I Me and Myself Rave, Rant and Ruin Poetry

I, Me and Myself met up with poetry on mind.

I raves about poetry;

 Me rants about it

and Myself ruins poetry.

As usual our consciences ICON, MECON and MYSELFCON participated in the meet.

We met up in an Italian restaurant `Chianti’.

Myself `I think if you can read this menu with an Italian accent, that itself would be poetry’

MYSELFCON `AND IF YOU CAN APPRECIATE THIS FOOD, THAT WOULD BE A BIG MYSTERY’

Me giving Myself a dismissive look `what sense does poetry make? Why cannot it be expressed as a prose?’

I `Wordsworth once said poetry is spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings’

Myself starts giggling uncontrollably while I and Me gave him a stern look understanding what was on his mind.

MYSELFCON ` HIS SPONTANEOUS OVERFLOW CANNOT BE POETRY FOR FAMILY READING :P ‘

Me `how can you say that? A picture can say a thousand words’

I `How can picture express your feelings about a female’s attitude, for that you require poetry’

ICON `ESPECIALLY IF IT IS THROWING PLATES, GLASSES AT HIM OR AT TIMES HIS MATTRESS OUT OF THE HOUSE’

Me `ok, what makes poetry more superior to prose?’

I `Poetry has to be short and each word counts’

Me `that is the problem, how to express so much in a few words?’

MECON `UNLIKE PROSE WHERE THESAURUS COMES TO READY USE’

Myself `easy write a prose, chop a few words and rhyme it religiously, you have poetry’

I and Me sarcastically ask `give an example?’

Myself `where I dwel,l lots of mosquitoes

                We sleep without repellants

                We all got malarias :p’

ICON `AND I VOMITING LIKE THE GUTTERS’

I staring disgustingly at Myself, says to Me `do you want to be a poet?’

Me `yes, but how to become a professional poet?’

I `Robert Frost once said to be a poet is a condition not a profession, so if you are interested in writing poetry, condition yourself, why don’t you try free verse?’

ICON ` HOW MUCH MONEY ROBERT FROST HAD MADE BY THE TIME HE MADE THIS STATEMENT?’

Me `what’s that?’

I `free verse is a form of poetry that does not use consistent meter patterns, rhyme or any other musical pattern’

Myself `Very simple, you can put together a physics law, an economic principle, etc and call it free verse’

MYSELFCON `    JUST AS IN

EVERY ACTION HAS AN OPPOSITE AND EQUAL REACTION

                                BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO ONE THING, YOU GIVE UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO OTHER

                                AS A POSTULATE IS TO BE TAKEN WITHOUT PROOF’

               

Patience runs out for I and Me and they storm out of the meet, Myself follows them giggling and glad about the fact that neither Me got interested in poetry nor I could discuss any serious poetry.

ICON, MECON AND MYSELF INDULGE IN SOME POETRY OF THEIR OWN

POETRY IS JUST A STORY

TOLD WITH WORDS WHICH ARE FLOWERY

IF YOU ARE NOT A POET

YOU DON’T HAVE KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS QUIET

TO MAKE HER AGREE, IT’S NOT POETRY OR PROSE

WHAT MATTERS IS HOW ROMANTICALLY OR GRANDLY YOU PROPOSE.

               

I, Me and Myself discuss on traffic indiscipline in our cities

I, Me and Myself recently met up to discuss the traffic indiscipline on our roads. Whenever we start our discussions, our consciences join the same and expose our hypocrisies. They are aptly named as ICON (I’s conscience), MECON (ME’s conscience) and MYSELFCON (MY’s conscience).

I hates traffic indiscipline whereas Me justifies it and Myself is having fun at the expense of the two.

I starts off by saying ` the traffic indiscipline in the city is getting disgusting’

Me `In such a busy life, traffic discipline becomes the first casualty?’

Myself `Let us face it I, you are disciplined because you don’t have the driving skills to be indisciplined’

Me `Ha, ha, that is so correct’

Myself `and you think being indisciplined is the only way to prove your driving skills’

MYSELFCON `He thinks by being humorous he will get away with the horrible language he uses while driving’

MECON `He is cunning always swears with the window shutters up and a smile on his face’

I `Motorists indiscipline create traffic jams’

Me `Why blame citizens when the roads are so narrow and everybody has to reach on time?’

Myself `Our citizens are capable of creating a traffic jam even on a 200ft road’

ICON `Traffic Jams happen when people don’t move orderly and stomach upset happens when people don’t eat orderly’

I `Motorist drive on the wrong side of the road, footpath and create a chaos everywhere. We don’t have lane discipline’

Me `When there are no vehicles coming from the other side, what is the wrong in driving on other side of the divider. Even otherwise vehicles coming from other side can see and adjust themselves’

Myself `as far as footpaths are concerned, if we don’t drive on it, the shopkeepers will encroach it, so by driving on it we are doing a service for the pedestrians’

MECON `People don’t mind a switch hit on a cricket field but on the road they can’t accept it’

MYSELF `The British practiced divide and rule, now the traffic police is doing the same thing with dividers and lane discipline, we won’t accept it’

ICON `Also we should stick to our national ideals, united we stand, divided we fall, so no lane discipline’

I `we park our vehicles wherever we want and obstruct traffic’

Me `The shopping complexes should provide for parking place, either they don’t have one or charge exorbitant rates, so we are forced to park on the roads’

Myself ` even if we park our cars in middle of the road, we put the parking lights on, that shows our traffic courtesy’

ICON `The problem is no matter how many hours you park your vehicle in a no parking area, you pay only Rs.100/-‘

MECON `Even if the Government increases the fine amount, these guys may demand a tax exemption for it but never follow the rules’

I `Have you seen the number of under aged drivers, chronic signal jumpers, perennial mobile talking drivers, non-helmet/ /seat belt wearers’

Me `It happens in such a big city, you will find each one won’t follow a traffic rule for their own compulsions, that does not mean we are unruly’

Myself `adding to what he said, you don’t have a traffic cop every 100 meters, so why we should follow the rules’

MECON `we practice unity in diversity as far as travesty of rules is concerned’

I, Me and Myself left the venue and in the background, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON were singing

                Rules, Rules, Traffic Rules they are never meant for fools

                Breaking rules makes us feel the king of roads.

                To Drink & Drive, a few strive

                Getting away without punishment helps the tribes thrive.

                Going Triples on a bike is our way of saving petrol

                Honk, Honk and Honk ensures wheels non-stop roll.

                Using mobiles while driving for non-stop talk

                High beam lights keeps away the dark.

                Who cares if we look like a selfish shark?

                Fancy fonts for our number plates

                Overloading School vans

                Feeds our devlish egos and greeds.

                The cops can keep the cameras to catch us

                But can they fine each one of us

                Even if they do, we will never learn traffic sense

                We are a free, free, free nation

                Where following the law is only an option.

               

How they spent almost Rs.35 lakhs while renovating a toilet?

                The title is a figment of imagination of its author and does not have any resemblance to any `plan’ned toilet which might have been renovated a cost of Rs.35 lakhs or above.

This is the story of SIM, RIM, AIM, DIM, HIM AND CIM.

                SIM is the most important character in this drama.

                The principal character of this story is RIM viz., Regular Indian Male but at times Rationally Impaired Man (whenever this imparity happened his vision would dim).

 One day he was watching an IPL match when a Gayle six cleared the stadium, the cheerleaders were busy swinging their b**s err poms and RIM decided it was time to clear his fully loaded bladder. By the time he could return strategic break had started and a sanitaryware ad was on with a popular item girl. She was swooning on the western commode and coyly saying `you’d love to sit-on-it without a reason’. RIM’s vision began to dim and he decided to change the WC in his toilet and he called out his wife AIM (Average Indian Mother).

She was watching the ad from the corner of the kitchen and asked “So now you want to change the WC, ok go ahead, there is an offer from Home Down, if you buy the same brand of WC which she is endorsing, you get the image of snoring buffalo free which is good omen if you hang it opposite to the WC”

RIM `How can a snoring buffalo in a toilet ensure a good day?’

AIM `Don’t question, it is as per Uzbekistan Vastu’ saying so she showed the snoring buffalo image on her new smart phone.

RIM and AIM went for a spot verification of the toilet and agreed that the WC had  gone bad and that it had to be changed.

AIM opened her mouth `You remember when we built this house, this was outskirts of the city and to ensure that your two wheeler does not get stolen, you had left space behind the bathroom and used to chain your vehicle in the backyard. Now this has become a part of the city and you no longer use a two wheeler, why don’t we extend the bathroom and go in for a bath tub’. Saying so she gave him a romantic look and RIM vision started dimming. Smacking his tongue he said `yeah, yeah, we should…we should’ and both giggled.

As soon as they came out, they heard a familiar persistent ring on the door. This ring was known to them for the past two decades and it was their best friend HIM (Highly Informed Man, at times, M would stand for a Migraine]. All the same, he always stood by RIM and AIM when they feasted or fasted. 

Both AIM and RIM said `Think of the……..’, HIM interrupted and said `Think of the devil and desire is there’ . AIM `oh! come on We are planning to change our WC and expand our bathroom, what you say’

HIM `and did somebody say India is going through economic down turn. That guy is not worth getting even 35 marks in his economics paper’

RIM `and were buying it from Home Down, they have a special offer of a free Snooring Buffalo from Uzbekistan which if kept opposite the WC ensures you a good day’

HIM a rationalist said `Ya, I agree, the buffalo looks so ferocious that if you see it while sitting on a WC, your stomach would automatically empty itself and you will have a good day. Ha, ha, ha’

AIM gave him a cold stare as she went in the kitchen to make a coffee. HIM after listening to both of them said “If you are going for so much change, you should change the shade of your rest room to a more pastel one and also change the tiles to a more contemporary one which gives a beach look’

RIM `Aree yaar, this budget is going beyond my means, let us drop this idea, I don’t mind that old WC, I am dropping this idea’

AIM `What are you going to do with all that money, by the next time we renovate our bathroom, we will be only in a position to get a sponge bath, come on let’s do it now’

HIM ` remember it will not be a model who will be giving you that bath but an old nurse :p’

RIM `OK, OK, but no more additions’

HIM finishing his cup of coffee said `ok, then tomorrow I will send the mason to your house’

AIM `How would the mason know our house?’

HIM, as he was leaving said `Never mind I will tell him, that house in 5^th cross, the guy who struggles to reverse his car, everybody in the locality knows your house, ha, ha’

AIM gave a disgusting look at RIM as she walked into the bedroom, RIM unmindful of it continued watching the cheerleaders err. IPL.

Next day at around 11am, the mason came, his name was CIM  (Cunning Intelligent Mason) and belled at the door and on AIM opening it, opened his mouthful of betelnut, smiled and said `Madam, HIM saar sent me, it seems you want to renovate your bathroom’. AIM let him in and he worked out the estimates and came up with a figure of Rs.3.5 lakhs. He said a lot of design change, new wall construction, some demolition, etc, etc are involved, so this amount was reasonable. After a lot of negotiation, the revised figure stood at Rs.3.33 lakhs.

As they were discussing, the daughter DIM (Daughter Imitating Mother) came back from a college trip. She asked `what is going on?’

RIM `We are planning to renovate our bathroom, have a bath tub, give it a type of beach look’

DIM `Hello, uncle, aunty, at this age, you want beach look in your bathroom, ever thought of your growing daughter. I want my room to be renovated with a triangular window and Barbie tiles on the floor, baby pink shade on the walls, etc., etc., ’

AIM `Come on DIM, baby pink would be available only in clothes not in paints and changing your room window means we have to redesign all the windows, that would mean additional expenditure’

DIM `I don’t mind, you and papa had promised me that if I get 90 plus percent in my 10^th standard, you will give me whatever I want, I have got 90 plus 5 percent, now it is your turn to honour your promise’

RIM thought to himself `Is DIM a rebirth of Kaikeyi?’

CIM hearing all the arguments was feeling delighted but maintained a calm face.

DIM was beginning to cry, RIM loved her so much and his vision started dimming………

Finally, the renovation started but it got viral.  First the living room tiles were changed, then the bed room ones, later new shades for the interiors and exteriors, subsequently the frontage of house got tiles, unwittingly a library got built for all three to accommodate their books and finally an Italian modular kitchen were added.

The final budget was Rs.34,99,999/-. At the end of it all, they felt like all required a Bata product on their faces but they did not show it. They were part of the middle class which will spend money it does not have to buy things it does not want to impress people they don’t like and put up a smile which it cannot afford. The only person who laughed his way to the bank was CIM. The banker was already at the bank waiting, wanting and willing to loan voluntary bakras like RIM.

That was the story of SIM, RIM, AIM, DIM, HIM and CIM spending Rs.35 by renovating a toilet.

These stunts are performed by experts and can be attempted by any tom, dick, hary, monty, mani and anybody. All that you need to do is flush your brain down the drain before you embark on such a journey.

Ever wondered who SIM in this story is, it is the author Silly Irritating Meddler.

I Me and Myself plan to write a book

I wants to write a book. To discuss this, I, Me and Myself met up and as usual ICON, MECON and MYSELFCON accompanied us.

Me started by asking I `Are you going to write a book? '

MECON `Will he atleast read it when it is published'

ICON `Never mind as such in any book, he does not read more than ten pages each  in the beginning, middle & ending'

Myself `What are you going to write about romance, crime, fiction or satire'

I ` A mix of all'

ICON `A book whose method of publication will be fictitious, pricing will be sleaze, reader will search for the author to commit a crime and fate of the author will be satire'

Me `What will be the title of the book?'

I `Sojourns of a Blogger'

ICON `which can be abbreviated as SOB'

MYSELFCON `which also expands as Stale Obnoxious Book'

Myself `I think you should dedicate the book to the three of us'

MYSELFCON `That is the only way this guy's name will ever appear in a published book'

Me `What is the storyline?'

I `It is about an honest blogger in a corrupt society, who becomes a prominent figure in an anti corruption rally'

MECON `Is the blogger honest only while writing blogs or in his actions also?'

ICON `If he is really honest, at the end, he will commit suicide on knowing the truth about the activists'

Myself `Have you approached any publisher or agent?'

I `Yes, three of them with my synopsis, one asked me to come with a manuscript'

ICON `One offered him a cheque for not writing and another offered him a published book for a cheque'

MECON `That is an indecent proposal'

Me `How will you make the book sell?'

I `Write well, use social media to promote the book, etc'

Me `No create some controversy about the book, like get some group to burn a copy of the book or somebody to tell it is a stolen idea'

ICON `Most buyers of the book will be burning it, so that is taken care off'

MYSELFCON `All said and done this book is an original scrap. Who else can write on such a weird concept?'

MECON `A better idea would be to release a pirated copy of the book even before the original is released'

Myself `How do you intend to price it?'

I `Very nominal, so that everybody can afford it'

ICON `Such a pricing will help him buy many copies on his own to ensure that it is a best seller'

MECON `and also to ensure that when sold they recover some value in the old paper mart'

Me `You never showed us the preface'

I `It is very unconventional and thought provoking. I will mail it to you guys''

ICON `It is written unconventionally because he does not have the knowledge to write classy'

MECON `Usually first time authors say this book is a part of me but in his case it is the only part'

I `Ok guys, we will leave now'

Me and Myself `All the best, we too hope to follow the suit'

As the three depart, ICON, MECON and MYSELFCON sing

I am gonna to write a book

Story which happens in every nook

Classy writing it's going to get a snook

My skills amongst the swans are just a rook

I'll make it a best seller by hook or crook.

Would you mind to have a look?

How Anna Hazare wants the lokpal draft to be accepted by the Government

Times of India, Bangalore vehicles parked in no parking zone

http://youtu.be/vgyOxVx2Cy8

I Me and Myself discuss Diwali, marriages, Ra One and F1

I, Me and Myself recently met up and discussed Diwali, Marriage season, Ra one and F1 race.  As always our consciences, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON joined us with their barbs.

I began by saying `I had so much fun, lots of marriages, Diwali, Ra One and F1'

Me `Don’t tell me Ra one was fun'

MECON `Ra one was fun, for those who saw only the trailer: p'

I `I don’t want to argue with you guys, Ra One was a spectacular film. It is going to change the way films are made in this country'

ICON `Means henceforth producers will use common sense while making films'

Me `OK, OK let us not fight over a film, how did you guys celebrate Diwali?'

Myself `I, like all other countrymen, celebrated Diwali in a grand way'

MYSELFCON `You mean to say as grand as the guy who earns Rs.32 per day'

I `I have been very busy attending marriages'

Me and Myself `we too'

Me `The best thing I like about marriages is the food'

MECON `ya, where else can the entire family have a grand dinner for a partly gift'

MYSELFCON `Oh that is the reason they always prefer to go to the reception and not the muhurath'

I `I don’t attend any marriage without a personal invitation'

ICON `Indians accept appointment letters, air tickets, lab reports by email but when it comes to marriage invitations … uff.'

Myself `I wonder how those in Tihar would have spent their Diwali'

Me `Obviously waiting for the bail rocket to fly them out of there'

I `Maybe even wishing that the case against them is a defective cracker'

ICON ` If luck deserts you, even a defective cracker can burst on your face'

Myself `They should remove the ban on high decibel crackers during Diwali, after all, what is Diwali without a lot of noise?'

I and Me `We support you'

MYSELFCON `No wonder this group idiolises reports with inflated figures and people claiming inflated bills: D'

ICON `Hollowness is thee salvation'

I `F1 was fantastic, what a proud moment for us!'

Myself `I love F1, I am obsessed with F1 and can't think of anything else except F1'

MYSELFCON `but for the F1 key, these guys cannot work on a computer: d'

ICON `In the toilet of a five star hotel, he was searching for the F1 key because there was no water'

Myself `Let us await the historic moment when Jan Lok Pal Bill is passed '.  

Me `Next year we will celebrate Diwali in a corruption free India, let us go for now'

MECON `Does that mean no more adulterated sweets, harmful crackers and bursting crackers well into midnight during Diwali?'

ICON `Amen'

        All of them leave in a very happy mood and ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON sing in the background

Eldorado, Eldorado we are coming for you Eldorado

Corruption you got to go

Eldorado, Eldorado

Hypocracy we can't let you go

Eldorado, Eldorado

Good wins over evil is what our mythologies show

Eldorado, Eldorado

Killing good for greed is what as a country we do.

Eldorado, Eldorado

On festivals, we indulge in pomp and show

Eldorado, Eldorado

In one house, dustbins with food overflow

Eldorado, Eldorado

In another, there is nothing but hunger to swallow

Eldorado, Eldorado, we are coming for you Eldorado.

Definite Don'ts for Metro Rail users in Bangalore

Metro Rail is going to roll out in Bangalore shortly. It is aptly named as Namma Metro (Our Metro). Given that Bangaloreans are very civil in their behavior, thought I could put out a list of Definite Don'ts in Namma Metro:

1.   You cannot take request stops in Namma Metro, unlike in the bus.
2.   You cannot get in and out of a running metro train. Also, you cannot travel hanging on the footboard.
3.    The trains will stop at each station for maximum of half a minute; hence please don’t block the entrance.
4.    Get off from the train only on the side which the door opens and please don’t bang on the doors to open them
5.    Ticketless travel is not possible in metro rail.
6.    Two wheelers, don’t try to climb on the metro tracks in case of traffic jam, first it is not practically not possible and most importantly, you maybe hit by an oncoming metro train, which cannot deviate from its  track, no matter how much you honk.
7.     There is no need to stop your vehicle when a metro train passes by because the trains don’t have a toilet and most importantly the tracks are concreted.

This list is not exhaustive. Have a happy, civil and safe Namma Metro usage.

I, Me and Myself hail Reality Shows

I, Me and Myself are great fans of reality shows. Some cynics call Anna Hazare's fasts as a reality show, especially due to some emotional acts on stage and also the precise timing at which the fast ended but we don’t mind it, since we believe this reality show can erect err. eradicate corruption in the country.

We were greatly excited by the fact that BIGBOSS has come back. We got together to discuss about reality shows. As it has become a norm, our conscience ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON were also present.

I began by saying `Yuppie, Big Boss is back'

ICON `Once again ogling will be the national pastime'

Myself `How much would I like to be a part of the Big Boss house and prove my worth?'

MYSELFCON ` Unable to tolerate you, either the other contestants will run out of the BIG BOSS house or entire country will come and physically evict you'

ICON `I was just wondering, what would happen if he was the target of Emotional Athyachar team'

Me `It is a pity that Sidhu Paaji is not a part of Big Boss'

MECON `If he was in the house, what will Big Boss talk? :P '

Myself `Why did they choose Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan as the anchors?'

MYSELFCON `Simple, because they know a thing or two about being in captivity and hence can empathise better with the participants'

ICON `If only some of the Tihar inmates had been on bail, they too would have been roped in as anchors'

MECON `I heard that anyone who refuses Tihar Food, goes back to have its food for a longer duration'

I `I would love to be on Moment of Truth'

ICON `At times you lie to me and get away, So, there is no way a machine can detect your lie, you are a sure winner'

MYSELFCON `Actually, they should put him in a reality show, with Planning Commission officials to survive 100 days at Rs.32 per day. Bet, he will give up within 3 hours'

MECON `Na, The Planning Commission Officials will withdraw within 5 minutes and he will win'

Me `It is sad that Weakest Link never worked out in India'

MECON `That’s because terrorists, from across the border, regularly prove, who the weakest link is? Hence, there is no charm for the audience in such a show'

ICON `If these three had played The Weakest Link, they would voted the Judge as the weakest link  :P'

MYSELFCON `If Poonam Pandey was a contestant, to help her win, they would have declared themselves as the Weakest Link’

Myself `All said and done, there is no reality show more realistic than Fear Factor'

MYSELFCON `Nowadays, whenever a plane lands in our airports, it seems to be a scene from Fear Factor'

ICON `Indian traffic sense has ensured Xtreme sports experience for all the users'

MECON ` and the language used in a traffic scuffle makes Roadies look like a satsang sabha'

I `Critics of reality show say that the results are fixed'

Me `Leave them alone, they would even say that Ramji fixed the fight between Vali and Sugreev. You should call these morons as Cynics not critics'

Myself `They would even say that entire Mahabharata was a reality show and Lord Krishna fixed it by creating an eclipse to kill Jayadratha'

I `Reality shows are the best way to unearth talents, the chicken hearted can stay away from it'

ICON `If that is the case, it would be better to select the Indian Team based on a reality show'

MECON `Better option would be to choose the selectors based on a reality show'

As the three of us left, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON for once had nothing to say.

I, Me and Myself discuss India V England Cricket Series

I, Me and Myself have never seen a more worse cricket series. Even King Bruce and his spider won’t be proud of the Indian Cricket Team’s effort in England.

We got together to discuss the tour and needless to say our conscience ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON were there and as always they made a lot of barbs in the conversation.

Myself `We hardly looked like the number 1 team in test matches’

MYSELFCON `Is it a coincidence, that Harry Potter, came to an end just before the England series?’

Me `What the hell did the Indian team think they were doing in England? ’

MECON `They were just boring the Englishmen to death for enslaving us for so long’

I ` What did the Indian achieve by playing so pathetically?’

ICON `They saved Poonam Pandey ki izzat’

Me ` I think the Indian players used the ambulance more than the team bus’

MECON `If only every player had gone to the ground with two body guards each, these many injuries would not have taken place’

MYSELFCON `I think Manish Tiwari’s head to toe analogy about Anna Hazare would have been more applicable to the injured Indian Cricket team’

I `We were the Indian lambs in an English summer’

ICON `The Englishmen showed their meanness by slaughtering and feasting on injured lambs’

MECON `Only the inflation rate exceeded the number of our injured cricketers’

ME `Dhoni, should have been more innovative and desperate to retain the number 1 ranking’

MECON `Yes, he should have gone on fast demanding the No.1 ranking’

Myself `We should appreciate Dhoni’s spirit of cricket, even in times of adversity, he called back Bell to bat’

MYSELFCON `If rules permitted, Dhoni would have called back the English team every time they declared’

I ` I don’t understand why Dhoni was subdued on the field?’

ICON `Possibly he too was worried about the increasing fuel prices’

Me `Only Dravid looked like batting for long hours’

MECON ` It is time somebody wrote a song ALL IS WALL’

I `I think IPL is the culprit for our below par performance’

ICON `It is one thing to swing the bat in a 20-20 match and another to play the swinging ball’

MYSELFCON `I think our batsman bat like they tweet, very short’

Myself  ` We did not cross 300 runs even in a single inning’

ICON `We did score more than 300 in the last one day match but that too made no difference’

MYSELFCON `Also true, not even one English batsman scored a triple century against us’

Me `There was no positives to carry for the team to carry from this series as far as batting is concerned’

MECON ` We can carry the positives in alkaline batteries used by the players’

MYSELFCON `You dummy these days they use Ipods and those don’t have alkaline batteries’

ICON `You both are dummies, we never batted long enough throughout the series for a battery to get exhausted’

Myself `They have a better bowling attack’

MYSELFCON `Thank God, they did not play Mr Onions, otherwise we would have cried on the pitch’

Me `Except Praveen Kumar, nobody looked like getting a wicket’

MECON `He got wickets mainly because English batsman got fed up of waiting for his balls to arrive’

ICON `Sreeshanth was well behaved and so were his balls, they never swung’

MECON `I hope you only meant the cricket balls he bowled'

MYSELFCON `Bhajji is not even a half spinner, he bowls right arm, very straight, short and slow’

I `Of all the bowlers, why did Dhoni ask for RP Singh as a replacement’

ICON `Because a friend in need is a friend indeed’

Me ` Why Ashwin never played in the test matches or Varun Aroon in one days? ‘

MECON `Only Wikileaks would know’

Myself `The Indian team was saved by Anna Hazare’

I and Me together `What are you saying?’

Myself `Otherwise, we would have burnt their effigies and written countless acerbic blogs against them’

I `Let us not confuse these jokers with the nation building task that Anna Hazare has taken upon himself’

ICON `The cricket team would like to see this national building task to continue till they return from Australia’

MECON `Kiran Bediji should do one more ghoonghat act lampooning the cricketers’

Myself `I vow that I will never ever see a cricket match again’

MYSELFCON `Yes, till, the butt swinging cheer leaders of Champions League come by’

As the three depart, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON jointly SCREAM

Cricket maybe your passion

for them it is a profession

for you defeat is a dreaded day

for them it is another day

you get excited seeing them win

they are worried about earning more for their kin

Is the Middle Class Draupadi or Menaka in the corruption drama?

The middle class (including traders), unfailingly portray themselves as Draupadi, when it comes to corruption. Don’t we, many a times, play Menaka in the corruption drama? Our reflex action is to break a rule and bribe when hauled up.

During the Anna Hazare show, a TV channel showed a hilarious video featuring, `a victim of corruption’ who had paid bribe for jumping a traffic signal. This lady had jumped a traffic signal, because nobody was around but was caught by a traffic cop, who was hiding behind a tree and she paid a bribe. Hello, Madam, the cop lost 2-1 to you on the dishonesty count. He took a bribe from you, no doubt, but you broke a traffic rule as well as paid a bribe, instead of a fine. This is Middle Class attitude towards corruption. If they break a rule, that is fine but if they pay a bribe to escape punishment on that account, it is corruption.

Our traders also agitated for a corruption free India.  In reality, they disregard civic, health, weights & measures, labour laws and tax norms but get away due to corruption.  Most traders in our cities consider footpath as an extension of their shop and pay a bribe to ensure continuance of the encroachment. Are they Menaka or Draupadi in the corruption saga?

 All the bloggers ranting for anti-corruption, kindly check if the software in your PC is a legal one. Are we not fueling corruption, when we buy pirated software, DVDs and books? How many of us have built their houses as per the approved plan? Don’t we bribe the municipal inspector who comes for inspection?  Why do we agree to pay/receive in black when we buy or sell a flat? Most parents in a benevolent mood allow their under aged children to drive bikes. When the kid commits an accident, don’t these parents run pillar to post, to ensure that a case is not registered? Are we a Draupadi or Menaka in these cases?

Do we have any idea about the manpower and resultant expenditure that will have to be incurred to have an effective Lokpal? The global average is 1 policeman for every 200 citizens. Even if it is implemented, only for central government servants, who total around 5 million, the strength of Lokpal will be almost 25,000 employees. Will the part time revolutionaries (especially the techies and MBAs) quit their high paying jobs and join Lokpal to ensure integrity at the working level? It is easy to scream `Inquilab Zindabad’ but difficult to be an instrument for change.

There is a demand, for a citizen charter setting time limits, for each work in a Government office. The Government offices, in turn, are going to come up with demands for additional manpower, to meet these schedules. How much of manpower is this going to add to the Government machinery? What about the expenditure on account of increased manpower? Does the civil society have an idea about this?

Adequately staffed government departments have its own perils for the citizens. Just take the case of Bangalore Traffic Police, as against an adequate manpower of 10,000, they have around 2,500. As a result, many of the traffic offences go unnoticed and even if noticed, not penalized. Guess what would happen, if traffic police gets fully staffed. What would happen if the municipal authorities get adequately staffed and adopt a Singaporean model for penalising civic transgressions? Given our penchant for breaking traffic/civic rules, they will become self financing within a year.

Corruption is not a disease in India; it is a way of life. If you want to change the way you live, you must change the way you think. We need smarter solutions, to reduce the need for public, to go to a Government office. Merely adding a few thousand policemen will not get rid of the problem, it will only add to the layers of Bureaucracy.

The Civil Society should demand, for, inclusion of a clause that post Lokpal, the bribe giver should also be punished? Post Lokpal, it becomes our moral obligation, to complain against a demand for bribe, rather than comply with it, even if we are at fault. We should walk the talk, shouldn’t we?