I am starting a restaurant with a new theme, any sponsors? Sarcasm Alert.

Theme based restaurants are running out of concepts. I have a novel idea named "Overnight Food."

The restaurant tag line can be:-

No fresh food available here

Food not older than two days is served here.

The old food is heated in the same vessel in which it was prepared. That will add authenticity to the overnight food served. The utensils will be shown on the payment of extra charges. 

One day old biryani will be at a premium. Two days old biryani will be served to the highest bidder. Similarly, uncovered overnight food and beverage also is the right of the highest bidder. 

To maintain hygiene, we clean the plates daily and the vessels on completion of the overnight food. However, the floors of the restaurant are wiped once in three days to maintain the aroma.

Please bring valid credit cards not elapsed ones. 

Drinking A Ray Of Hope

Who is more beautiful, asked a girl

Girl : Who is more beautiful, me or the full moon?

Boy: Definitely you my darling.

Girl : tell me the reason or I shall not be flattered

Boy: Ok, your face is more smoother than the moon' s surface

Moral : Dont search reason in a flaterring remark or you may be faultered.

Funny Poetry on Schools, Doctors, and Bengaluru Roads

Bengaluru Roads
A monument of potholes

Neither gold bar
Nor in them you can find tar

To lay them, they say we spend crores
But they crumble due to droppings of a few crows

Rain, Rain come any day
But don't wash our roads away

We don't want roads of Beverly hill
At least, not ones, which resemble a landfill.

Schools

Every kid needs education
Else how will schools charge donation

Schools charge high fees parents say
Along with Munni, parents get educated in doing projects, schools replay.

To teach sonny all the alphabet
Parents become school's puppet

Sometimes founders day, many a times this or that day
Through their noses, parents have to pay

Fees which put to shame sleaze
Kids who say Amma instead of Mummy, pay fine, please

Schools call themselves international
Just because their website is operational

Parents made it despite studying in normal schools.
What makes them sleep outside convent schools?

Is it an inferiority complex?
Or has education become complex.

The Journalist

He screams on behalf of the nation
I wonder who gave him the sanction

Is it news or noise hour
Nobody gets to speak during his yappy hour

As unbiased as the slope uphill
Logic matched only by a cycle downhill

Top of the TRP they show
Only because I don't switch off such bow, bow

I HAD A SNEEZE

I had a sneeze
Lasted long enough to scare my missez

Ordered me to go to a GP
Who first checked my BP

Neither, high nor low
At 40 plus, he wondered how

Due to the AC, I did shiver
He decided to check my liver
Said the report `Cactus Chutney' he can devour

The Doc was not yet done with my money
I laughed though it was not funny

Thus, started a cough
He said, after a laugh, it means your lungs are not good enough

Report came for the x-ray
His lungs are happy and gay

Next, he wanted to do a biopsy
And find why my skin is dark
I told my dog can bite off your chopsy
With and without a bark

I went to find reason for a virulent sneeze
The doctor with his bills was planning to take one of my kidneys

Getting Married

Amma said it's time you got married
Enough for you have I curried

I replied if cooking is the bother
Let me learn to handle the cooker

Fed up of you late night weekend
Only a shrewd girl can bring this to an end

If opening the door is the reason for this karaoke
50 Rupees, 50 Rupees, I reasoned, costs a duplicate key

There should be somebody to take care of you when old
Before that, she will demand from me a lot of gold

Mom used her trump card
Before I close my eyes, want to see your wedding card

For 15 years, I have been married.
Not hen-pecked but hen kicked.

Taming of the Fair Shrew

If the plight of an individual asked to blunt the thorns on a cactus plant seems absurd to you, how would you describe the plight of Robert Clive, a store manager at `Aristocracy’ who had been asked to supervise whitening the black granite flooring of his shop. He would have chucked his job but for the fact that his new owner Saravanan had doubled his salary a few hours ago.

                He could not fathom why his new owner targeting him because he had just finished whitening Saravanan’s mobile cover with correction fluid. Sarvanan was humiliating Robert Clive only to make him realize that color does not matter.

                It was yesterday that Saravanan’s dark skinned daughter Lakshmi stepped into `Arsitocracy’ to check out on the attitude of Robert Clive, the store manager. He could sell an Armani suit to a client who came to purchase a tie pin but at the same time he considered dark skinned and simple dressed customers as `Middle Class Window Shopping Pests’. He himself was British White thanks to one of his great great grand mothers working for his namesake from history. He even spoke his mother tounge Tamil with an angelical accent.

                Lakshmi, who the founder member of  SLHIT (Simple Living and High In Thoughts) group and disliked appearing in public like a fancy store on two legs.  Clad in a pair of old jeans; untied hair; without a trace of make-up and a Nokia 3100 in hand she had stepped into `Aristocracy’.

Robert Clive who always stood on the first floor overlooking the entrance, without a second thought rated her as a Middle Class Pest (MCP). He had a special drill to humiliate such intruders. On spotting such a customer making an entry, he would hum the song `Mera Jootha Hain Japani’  to indicate the perceived low class of the intruder. As a part of the drill, the sales personnel first would reluctantly answer the customer and if that did not succeed they would start saying `that’s too costly’ for any question the customer asked. At the peak, the customer would find everything he/ she touched being sprayed with room perfume. Lakshmi got the full course of treatment but left the store with calmness of a sage on her face.

As Robert Clive was supervising whitening the black granite flooring, in stepped Lakshmi, screaming `Hi, Appa’ and hugged Sarvanan. Robert Clive realized that his time was up and proceeded to walk out. Saravanan put his hands across Robert’s shoulder and said `No need to quit the job. It was just to make you realize the importance of individuals and non-importance of their color and dress. Remember, we are in business, if you disregard dark skinned customers, they will show you the fairest part of their body, bottom of their foot’. Thus, ends taming of the fair shrew.

N+ 1 important reasons with which parents compel their daughters to get married

Important reasons used by parents to coerce their daughters to get married:-

1.       The boy holds a US green card.

2.       This boy’s house is demanding ½ the dowry which the previous one asked for.

3.       The boy’s mother is dead and he has no sisters, things cannot get better for you.

4.       The boy’s father has a lot of property and he is the only son.

5.       I want to marry off, both you and your younger sister before I retire.

6.       If you wait any further, it will be difficult to find a groom.

7.       This is the right age for girls to get married.

8.       He is your uncle’s son; you are bound to marry him.

Reason 9 to N+1,  We can no longer put up with your tantrums and shopping bills, it is time somebody else took on your responsibility :P :D

Dummy's guide to staying single (Part II)

Here are the 13 myths you should overcome, if you want to remain single and happy:

1. Behind every successful man there is a woman
2. Face is the index of mind.
3. Marriage shall double my happiness.
4. She comes from a joint family so she will adjust with my parents and siblings.
5. The girl will come as beautifully dressed, be mild mannered and obedient as she appeared on the first day I saw her.
6. My mother likes her
7. The snacks served to me at her home were all made by her.
8. As a colleague, she always helped me in finishing my presentations.
9. The one day she came to my bachelor’s accommodation, she arranged all the mess.
10. As a girl friend, she laughs and smiles even at my failings.
11. My day turns out to be fabulous every time I see her in the morning.
12. With my positive attitude I will prove that the jokes on marriage are just that.
13. She is employed so she will be realistic in her expectations about her husband.

Dummy's guide to staying single (Part I)

Indian Bachelor's who want to stay happy can follow these to stay happy & be. These are 21 important reasons parents give their son's to get them married. If you can master responses to these you can stay single :-

1.       You are getting old, look at your friends they have school going children.

2.       Get married now, only than your children will be well settled by the time you retire.

3.       Get married so that there is somebody to cook for you when you become old.

4.       I am scared of the girls who are your friends on Facebook.

5.       Grandmother or grandfather is serious and would like to see you married before they die.

6.       I have promised your uncle to bring his daughter to this home as daughter in law.

7.       Your uncle has lot of property, all will be lost if somebody else marries his daughter.

8.       Everybody is asking me why your son is not interested in marriage, is he gay?

9.       I want to see my grandchildren before I die.

10.   That month is the best muhurtam you will get in 20 years.

11.   As per your horoscope, if you don’t get married this year, you can’t get married for the next 10 years.

12.   You require a wife to control your erratic behaviour.

13.   They have agreed to make your sister as their daughter in law if you marry their daughter.

14.   Getting married is the law of nature.

15.   Before you go abroad get married, I want a daughter in law only from our caste.

16.   Hotel food is not good for health.

17.   You are a doctor, she is also a doctor, and you both can start a clinic of your own.

18.   Your great grand uncle went bankrupt because he was unmarried.

19.   I have seen this girl, she suits for our family.

20.   You have a good salary, get married.

21.   I am fed up of taking care of the family, kitchen, etc., I want rest.

Bakrapur to UB City - The Legend of Urban Baba - Chapter 3

previous chapter
http://balu036.blogspot.in/2013/07/bakrapur-to-ub-city-legend-of-urban.html

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION, DON’T LOOK FOR FACTUAL ACCURACIES

Chapter 3The Slaying of AnAsura

When AnAsura heard about Sage Viparyasa’s vow, he laughed it off by saying `what sort of sage he is if continuance of his penance depends on a suraksha chakra? Let him execute his vow, I care a damn about it. I know my death is destined to be caused by the trick of the Devas but before that happens I will scare the shit out of them’.

Soon, a severe battle raged between the Devas and Asuras. This battle was fought in the now Bakrapur which always was a favorite hunting ground for the Asuras. It was a do or die battle for both and the Devas were loosing it badly. AnAsura was a brilliant strategist and he was in his elements during the battle. When at a particular point during the battle Devas were gaining the upper hand, AnAsura ordered his army to scatter and run towards summit of the mountain peak. Though initially puzzled, Devas thought that the Asuras were running for their life and went on a hot pursuit.

The Asura army ran with all its might and reached top of the peak, which was full of big boulders. AnAsura asked his men to push the boulders down with all their might towards the Devas. This gruesome tactic pulverized the Devas army and they had to run hither and thither.  AnAsura taking advantage of the fear that had crept in the enemy’s mind ordered his army to attack from all the four sides. The Devas suffered huge losses and had to beat a hasty retreat when the sun set. The next day the Devas army fought fiercely to keep the Asura army at bay.

While on war campaigns, AnAsura was an egalitarian, he slept and ate with his army. That day after the battle, he had dinner with his Army. It was that day of the week when AnAsura refrained from liquor and his army grudgingly though followed suit. Instead of liquor, at end of the dinner kher used to be served. Asuras were sensing victory and this reflected in the grandness of the dinner. There was a lot of good food; beef; goat and every other creature whose flesh could be eaten. There were a lot of women from, now Bakrapur to satisfy carnal pleasures of the Asura army. They were getting ready for the night ahead.

Dinner was served, it was time for the kher and as it was the norm, AnAsura never consumed a sweet dish before one of his soldiers did so and survived the mandatory time limit for a poison to take effect. The same was ensured on that day also before he and his army had kher. AnAsura was mightily pleased with the taste of kher.  Intentionally during battles, the worst cook was assigned with the task of preparing a sweet dish. AnAsura could not believe that his worst cook had conjured such a heavenly kher. AnAsura got a whiff of suspicion but he dismissed this thought because a solider had already tasted the kher and was still alive. He had one more serving of the Kher but was not satisfied and ordered for one more serving, as he lustily eyed the young girl he had chosen for the night. She looked like a doll that had been given life. AnAsura wondered how beautiful her mother, sisters and aunts would be. He decided that next day he would send a few soldiers and capture all the womenfolk of her family who were in the productive age and enjoy them one by one. As he raised the third bowl of offering to drink it, a strange fragrance spread in the air and a chilling stillness came into the life around him. Ignoring the signs, AnAsura happily thrust the third bowl of kher into his mouth and slowly began to drink it. He tried to lower the bowl from his mouth to catch some breath but it would not budge. It was impossible that a mere earthen bowl could become a burden for the mighty arms of AnAsura.  He let go off the bowl but it would not fall down as it was stuck deep into his mouth. The flow of kher was not stopping and as AnAsura saw from the corner of his eyes; his entire army was having the same problem. What began as a trickle soon became a gushing fountain with every drop getting directed into his mouth. AnAsura realized that he had been duped by the Devas. He was on the verge of collapsing whilst his men had already collapsed. As he was getting inundated with kher, he remembered the time when he meditated to Lord Shiva for immortality. He remembered the boon, the limitation and how all his plans to counter that had now came to a naught.

AnAsura was a great devotee of Lord Shiva. At a very early stage in his life, he realized that Devas were superior to Asuras when it came to deceit.  He decided that attaining immortality would be the only way to win Devas. Lord Shiva was the only god who was favourably disposed towards Asuras and AnAsura decided to seek the boon from him. He embarked upon a rigorous penance to please Lord Shiva.

The Devas did all that was possible to distract AnAsura from his penance. They used strong winds; heavy rains; raging fires; dangerous wild animals; poisonous reptiles; beautiful girls and even an offer of peaceful co-existence if he gave up his penance but nothing budged AnAsura from his penance. Lord Shiva knew what AnAsura would ask, hence, did not appear before him for many years but beyond a point he could not resist giving dharshan. He decided to test AnAsura’s much famed bravery before granting him a boon. Lord Shiva appeared before AnAsura, blessed him and said ` get up AnAsura, what is that you want from me to carry out your evil designs?’

AnAsura was not pleased with the words of Lord Shiva, yet he woke up with all the diligence and replied `God, you know what I want to ask, yet you want me to say that I want the boon of immorality’

`That is not possible, a boon of immortality to an Asura will result in destruction of the three worlds, ask something else’

`I have the army, strength and the riches; I don’t want any of them. I only want the boon of immortality’

` You cannot become immortal, you are born to die at the hands of a Deva, ask for something else’

`You may decide not to grant me the boon of immortality or even kill me at this very moment. If you go away without granting me the boon, I will reduce myself to ashes. The burden of my death will fall on your head. Either you give the boon or fight and kill me’

Shiva’s eyes became red and he stomped his Trishul. The entire surrondings began to shake; birds which had returned to their nests began to fly panic stricken; animals ran crazily; the reptiles went deeper into their holes and fruits began to vaporize but AnAsura stood still staring Lord Shiva eye to eye. The battle of the stares continued for a while and finally Shiva calmed down. He said `Dear child AnAsura, I was testing your bravery and you proved it. I am happy but I cannot give you the boon of immortality. However, I will give you a boon that you will die only during a battle but your death will not happen because of a weapon nor any living form but due to a sweet dish’

AnAsura too knew deep in his mind that it would be next to impossible to get the boon of immortality and this was the best he could get. Before he could agree, he wanted to weaken the possibilities of his death and said `Thank you, oh! Lord Shiva, thank you. I will accept your boon but with two conditions’

`Tell me, what are those conditions, I will grant them without any further ado’

`First, it is only after the third consecutive consumption of a sweet dish that I should die. When I die my soldiers will become orphans and will be tortured by the Devas. Hence, my army should die with me’

Lord Shiva impressed with him, said `so be it’ and disappeared.

AnAsura came back to his kingdom and started his conquest immediately. The Devas knew about the boon that Lord Shiva gave AnAsura and its limitation. They tried to kill AnAsura by poisoning his sweet dish but it did not go beyond the mandatory tasting by a random soldier. To add to their woes was the fact that the worst cook of AnAsura was assigned to cook sweet dishes.  His cooking was so bad that nobody could complete the first serving, leave alone going in for a third serving. Further, Devas could never plant a mole in the camp of AnAsura because the integrity of his men was impregnable.

The flow of kher had become a deluge and AnAsura was nearing his end. He could not even cry at his fate. The kher was overflowing from his body, first it poured out of his nose, then ears and finally through the eyes. The flow of kher kept on increasing and did not stop till his body split into four. AnAsura was killed by the Devas as was his army. The architect of this victory was Viparyasa.

The plan to eliminate AnAsura was hatched by Sage Viparyasa on previous evening of the infamous whacking that Devas got at the hands of AnAsura. Sage Viparyasa put forward his proposal that consisted of two stages to eliminate AnAsura. The first stage was invisible Deva cooks along with Sage Viparyasa would be present on the destined evening at the Asuras’ kitchen. They would add heavenly flavours and make the entire food delicious and intoxicating.  Considering the fact that, the particular Asura cook made very bad kher, it was decided that no purpose will be served by any value addition to it. Instead, the Devas cooks would replace the Asura sweet dish with a similar one made by them. Since, the dish did not contain any poison; it would pass `The Random Soldier Test’.  After the Asuras had the second successive serving, Sage Viparyasa would say a mantra and convert the kher bowls into Akshaya Patras. Next, he will release the `Lepa Astra’ into the air which will ensure that the bowls will get glued to the mouth of Asuras and subsequent deluge of Kher would choke them to death. The plan was dismissed since it was inhuman and impractical, especially Sage Viparyasa and the Deva cooks reaching the Asura kitchen in an invisible mode and  replacing the sweet dish made by Asuras with theirs. However, Sage Viparyasa decided to stay put keeping in mind the weak position in which the Devas were in.

After the whacking, elimination of AnAsura by the Devas became inevitable and it seemed that the only viable option to eliminate AnAsura was the plan offered by Sage Viparyasa. That night the plan was discussed intensely by Devas at a secret location.

One of the Devas said `do we have a better alternative than what Sage Viparyasa has proposed?’

Another replied `does that mean we should become heinous?’

The third one butted in by saying `rather than lose our humanity, we lose our head fighting’

The first one got back into the argument in a sharp and vitriolic way `Yes, we will only lose our heads fighting and tales of our powers, goodness, powers and morality will vanish. The Apsaras will become Asuras girlfriends and secrets of the Amrith will become known to them. Thanks to Lord Shiva, we cannot kill AnAsura on the battlefield and the only option available is to take chance with Sage Viparyasa’s plan’

The fourth supported him by saying ` we have a lot of precedence which suggest that if the interest of Devas (must be read as interest of humanity) is to be served, there is no harm in using foul means to kill an Asura’.

There was consensus about killing AnAsura through this method. The chosen time was the next day’s dinner because on that day of the week AnAsura refrained from having liquor and had a sweet dish at end of the dinner. All that was left now was, the question how to replace the sweet dish made by the Asura cook with the one made by the Devas? A few unimportant Apasaras did the job and the rest as they say is history.

A Suspicious Wife and The Ghost of Sunny Leone

Warning : Contains some inappropriate content. Righteous exit here itself

Velu and Selvi have been married for the past 10 years and are blessed with a 9 year old daughter named Sharanya. There is never a dull moment in their household; either there is bubbling happiness or Selvi’s stereophonic screams coming out of their home. Velu goes mute when Selvi tests out her vocal chords.

Their home, by the way, was a double storied structure. They stayed in the second floor and the other two floors were let out. The main villain in this story is the windowpane of arc shaped window in the hall. During the evenings, It seemed that his window pane has a naughty mind of its own and often created optical illusions to a person coming from outside. If Selvi was kneading batter for poori while watching TV, to the person outside it would look like she was strangulating someone.  If Velu was bending and picking up a glass on the floor to hand it to Selvi, it would look like he was touching her feet. They wanted to change the windowpane but could not get a carpenter to do this small work.

Velu worked somewhere; even I have no idea where he works. The most important thing is he made enough money to pay all his EMIs; pay for his daughter’s education, save money and of course could beat the inflation to eat, dress, commute and pay for Selvi’s mobile recharge.  Selvi was a homemaker. She watched TV, talked on her mobile and when she was bored of both, used to cook. All the other works at home were taken care of by Shantha, the 70 year old housemaid.

Theirs was an arranged marriage. Yes, Velu had agreed for his marriage to be arranged with Selvi, because his father had arranged to donate his property to an old age home, if Velu insisted on marrying Maria who was neither from their caste, religion, language, state or even country. Maria was a French girl.

Velu and Selvi got married and they had a kid within the statutory breeding period permissible for an Indian couple i.e. one year. Selvi was a Typical Tamil Ponnu (girl), she would insist on going to Murugan temple on a cold morning when Velu wanted to make love. You know; when it comes to such things wives always win.

Selvi knew of Velu’s past, in fact he himself had confessed of his relationship with Maria. Velu is one of those perfect MIS husbands. Velu could not keep any secret from his wife and that got him into marital trouble more often than not. Velu would inform his wife even if a good looking female bumped him into him in the office elevator. For the next few days, Selvi would keep looking for lipstick marks/hair strands/perfume fragrance on every portion of his covered body, which can be scanned by the naked eye. Velu despite all his perversions never cheated on his wife. Selvi knew this but always kept him on a tight leash.  However, the only woman whom Selvi could be sure of in Velu’s company was Shantha. Shantha in the past had busted a few husbands who were double timing their wife. She had great regards for Selvi because unlike other ladies in the street she did not wear jeans or bannian (that was what she felt of tops) but was always dressed like a Typical Tamil Ponnu.

It was in this scenario Poonam, a divorcee came to stay next door with her five year old daughter Prerana. Poonam was a fashion model and now an event coordinator. She had all the charm which would make even the most resolute man lose his peace every time he saw her and needless to say about Velu’s reaction, he was in awe of her.

Though Selvi liked Poonam, she was always suspicious of her husband’s intentions. Selvi hated the way Poonam ate any fruit especially a mango. She would wade into it and make sounds similar to Sunny Leone. Yeah, Selvi once in a while checked into Velu’s laptop to see what he was up to and once noticed it had a folder, Sunny’s Best. Presuming, it was about Sunny Gavaskar, the batsman, she opened the folder and needless to say she was not impressed with the skills of this Sunny. She did give Velu a mouthful about what she felt about his tastes. However, that did not deter him from regularly updating that folder.

Poonam thought very high of Velu as a person though she knew that he was a roving eye. After this admiration was expressed to Selvi, she became suspicious of the relationship between Velu and Poonam. She stopped going even to her native place. The best laid plans of mice and men (at times even women) go awry. Selvi’s grandmother who was vibrantly alive unknowingly stomped on a vibrant high tension wire and got electrocuted. Worried about leaving Velu alone with Poonam, Selvi rushed to her native place only when he agreed to accompany her. She also convinced him to stay back till the obsequies ceremony was over.

Within a period of 5 days, fate for the second time played spoilsport with Selvi’s marital security. On the fourth day night, Velu received an urgent call from his office and had to leave for Bangalore. Selvi was desperate to follow him but religious customs prevented her. She could not walk up to her parents and say `I am suspicious of your son-in-law’s relationship with that Chikni Chameli Poonam and can’t leave him alone in Bangalore’. This would cause a huge turmoil in the family which was already saddened by a death. Even before Velu could reach the village bus stop, she started getting images of Poonam romping with him in the bed.

The world seemed to be crashing on Selvi’s head but as they say nothing is impossible for an individual in danger. Remember Archimedes? Selvi knew that Velu had a stomach which was as solid as ice cream at 40 degrees Celsius and a week of hotel food would mean keeping the ice cream in a microwave oven at 250 degree Celsius for a week. The only thing he could cook was to boil water. Shantha cooked for her whenever she was ill. However since her house was far away, she insisted on staying back if she cooked dinner. Selvi had hatched a master plan and wanted to jump for joy but she controlled herself. She called up Shantha and on picking the phone Shantha in Tamil said `medem, I am sorry your grandmother died’

Selvi in a sobbing tone replied `Shantha, there is a bigger problem and only you can help me’

Shantha `aiyoo, why such big words?  Tell me ma, you are like my daughter’

Selvi `my husband is coming back to Bangalore because he has some important office work and you know he cannot eat hotel food. I want you to cook for him breakfast and dinner for a week. I will pay you how much ever you want’

Shantha `that’s all, I will do it but you know when I cook dinner I will stay back at your home’

Selvi gleefully `no problem…no problem… you can… you can’

Shantha `then don’t worry, I will stay at your home and take care of him for a week’

Selvi ended the call feeling as happy as a convict who gets Presidential pardon on the night before he is to be hanged. She knew with Shantha around, Velu and Poonam could not go ahead with their clandestine plans.

When Velu reached home, he was surprised to see Shantha at his door step. When he came to know of Selvi’s deal, he happily agreed and had no problem with Shantha staying back in his home for a week.

Selvi used to call up Shantha everyday just to ensure that her instructions of cooking breakfast and dinner for Velu were being complied with and most importantly the overnight stay. Finally, the obsequies ceremony was over and Selvi happily returned home by the Sunday morning bus. However, she did not inform Velu and wanted to surprise him. The bus reached Bangalore three hours late. They got down on main road and walked towards home. Two hundred yards away, she saw Shantha having tea at a nearby hotel.

Shantha came and voluntarily talked to her and said `Poonam madam had come home an hour back. Both of them were discussing about English movies. I was getting bored so came out’.

Selvi thought in her mind `could it be Sunny Leone movies?’. She asked Shantha `did she come home every night?’

Shantha `No ma, she is so busy, only today she came’

Selvi was definite about what would have happened after Shantha had left. She left Sharnaya in her friend’s house to ask for school notes, so that she does not see any thing ugly and rushed home. From a distance, she could see through the naughty hall windowpane, shadow of a woman bending down and a male shadow standing in front of the female shadow and frequently trying to put his head up and down. Selvi forget about the hazy shadows that the window gave, she could only remember Sunny Leone videos. Much more horrifying was the fact that the main door was open. How shameless both could get, she thought, what would have happened if Shantha came back? She wanted to catch them red handed so she croutched and slowly walked up the stairs. As she got near, she could hear Poonam saying “hmmm… tasty….wow….ahhhhh. I never had anything tasty like this in my life’. She could not take it any longer, took the broom in the balcony and rushed into the open door and the sight she got was shocking.  Prerana was playing on the floor with Sharanya’s dolls, Poonam having a mango in her own style and Velu uncorking a Dettol bottle.

Poonam saw Selvi and jokingly commented `what a sweeping entry’ Selvi embarrassed said `he, he, he you know I always want the house clean. By the by, what are you doing here?’

Poonam `This Dettol bottle was not opening. Velu has such a tight grip, so I thought I will take his help but he too is struggling. Meanwhile he offered me this really tasty mangoes and I was eating them’

Selvi sarcastically asked `will you never slice and have a mango?’

Poonam `No, I have slice only when it is not the mango season’

Selvi and Poonam laughed it off. Velu had understood what was going on in Selvi’s mind and he laughed the loudest.

 w

Indians are truly an affectionate lot

We Indians overwhelm our relatives and friends with affection. Being affectionate to our dear and near is as important as Elnino is to monsoon; as fast food is to health; as candle light marches are to affirmative action and as a bride is to the continuance of a joint family. There is no occasion in which we won’t go out of our way to indulge in PDA (no it is not Public Display of Affection but Pungent Display of Affection). Rules, common sense, aptness all these are passé when we want to indulge in PDA.

                Have you been to a diagnostic centre and found the place overflowing? If you decided to come later, you are a dummy to this PDA. Just wait and very soon you will find a battalion storming out of place and only one of them would have come for blood sugar test. We stretch this PDA beyond limits to the point where even a stone would seethe with anger, when one our loved ones by quirk of fate get into an ICU. More important than the patient getting well or other patients recovering, is our urge to show our faces to the relative in question (literally!!!), enquire his welfare and most importantly share with him/her our disastrous tidbits on his/her ailment.

                We love our children so much. We want them to enjoy all that we could not do so in our younger days and to ensure that we are ready to break any rule in the book. We want our children to mature fast, stand on their feet at the earliest and most importantly drive their own vehicles. We believe our under-aged son/daughter is very capable and the moron who fixed the minimum age limit for driving a vehicle had no idea of their capabilities. That explains why you find kids who have barely reached middle school driving a two wheeler? We don’t mind paying all the fees that is required to be paid, to make our kids an engineer or a doctor, never mind, even if he or she wants to be a priest or a chef. We love to adorn our daughters with jewels and let them walk on the street.

                We believe in all conceivable extensions of the adage `families that eat together, stay together’. This explains why dozen of family/friends walk together on the road in a horizontal line. After all, family/friends that walk together stay together. Another extension of this adage is that a family that never misses a call finds bliss. Now you know, why we answer a call wherever, whenever we receive it and hardly keep a phone on silent mode. We also believe in travelling without being separated which explains why five people travel on a two wheeler or ten in a four wheeler. In a queue, we cannot see any of our loved ones standing far behind us and we beckon them near us, unmindful of all the morons standing behind.

                When it comes to celebrations, we go out of way to display grandeur and make the guests most comfortable. We don’t mind pitching tents bang in middle of the road for days or for that matter playing music at cacophonic volumes during unearthly hours. We force food down the throat of a loved one in a function to prove our affection. We have to burst crackers for every celebration, never mind the chaos created.

                These are few of the PDA which I can think of. Sky is the limit when it comes to Indians and PDA.

The Three Gulibles And A Sermon On Marriage

Public Notice

No scissors/ gum sticks were used during the writing of this blog either physically or virtually.

Statutory Warning

You may forget to laugh at a joke after reading this piece of writing

Disclaimer (for the benefit of fundamentalists/secularists/right and left wing sympathizers of the institution called Marriage)

The writer of this blog has a successful and happy married life. He does not have anything against marriage and cracks jokes on marriage because only he can crack jokes only on marriage. This conversation with his friends is imaginary but not fictitious. I believe in the Tamil saying ` Yaam petra inbam peruga ivvaiyagam’ - Let this world bequeath the pearls of my wisdom and keep spreading my knowledge among eligible bachelors about the fun in marriage but none seems to listen. It’s with the intention of making understand would-be-grooms, this concept; I have documented this sermon of mine.

 Anybody who has known me for any length of time (exceeding three months)  either in real life or through social media (not including bus conductors, traffic cops, ATM security guards and a certain Mark Zuckerberg) would readily acknowledge that most of my jokes are based on wives/wife’s (I have only one and no more). I hardly used to crack a joke BM (before marriage) on marriage but AM (now don’t ask what AM means? If you do so this blog will become invisible) jokes come at a steady pace. As rightly said by me in one of my status updates “Every man should get married because only marriage can bring the philosopher or the joker out of him” and in my case it has been the joker, because the only philosophical thought I can conjure is, the sun that rises must set.

 I have been part of a wonderful book club for the past 2 years and they like everybody else have been the victims of my crass jokes on wives/wife’s. As always there’s no dearth of gulibles in the crowd, so was the case with this book club and I found three viz., Aram, the intellectual; Karthik, the elegant and Sukhdeep, the subtle. These guys were highly impressed by my gyan on marriage and wanted to know in detail about it. Well, if somebody offers you free snacks and tea in a trendy coffee shop, who would not agree and why would I not agree?

On a Saturday evening, we met up at a café for a sermon by me on marriage, to the “The Three Gullibles”. The café is part of a collectibles showroom and the stairs leading to it seem to be straight out of the den of a 1970’s Bollywood don. Before I could reach the café, Aram was already there. I got to sit on a tall uncomfortable chair. The lounge table was so low that had it been any lower, I would have removed it and asked the waiter to serve us on the floor itself. Possibly cafes have such furniture to create patients for orthopedicians or chase customers within a reasonable period of time. However, the youngsters who frequent such cafes seem to be hell bent upon making the orthopedician rich. I had neither of the ideas and hence shifted to a more comfortable chair. After exchanging pleasantries, we tried calling Karthik and Sukhdeep. I was rather flummoxed since Karthik stays a few yards away, how could he get late? The problem with staying near a venue is you have the license to get late. Soon Karthik came up the stairs flashing his million dollar smile and I wondered in my mind `Why do men with great smiles get married? Is it to turn grumpy and bald? ’

Karthik after settling down and ordering his quota of fill began by asking `Bala, I have heard that marriage is a lifelong bond and you crack so many jokes about this divine relationship, what is the truth?’

I, sipping the elaichi tea and munching away the French fries, replied with a dead pan expression `True, Karthik, Marriage is a lifelong bond but the definition has changed with times. Marriage has become a perpetual EMI; if you try to terminate it, your EMI increases and if your love bears fruit, the EMI again increases. It all boils down to whether you want to start the EMI or not?’

Aram asked me like a quiz master `what about the much famed romance in marriage?’

I was expecting this question but did not expect it to come so early. Men will be men, always fall prey to licensed carnal pleasure seeking. I could not control but smile sarcastically at Aram and reply `Romance in marriage is like salary from a job. You will get enough to survive but what you get lasts  only for a few days and after that you have to keep swiping your credit card till the next one’, winked at him and ended by saying `hope you can read between the lines’

Soon we were joined by Sukhdeep who had travelled quite a distance to reach the meet. He apoIogised for his delay and I welcomed him by saying `It is ok now but remember after marriage, only your wife has the right to get late’.

Sukhdeep joined the conversation by firing at me the question `After marriage, your relation base increases. Is that not a positive development?’

 Another compulsive trapping for a man to get married but it is only after a decade he realises that his own friends and relation base has shrunk like a deflated balloon. However, being a harried and harassed husband, I have the underlying responsibility to increase my club membership and hence kept back this secret from the Three Gulibiles and gave a scientific reply `most of them are related-ions and a majority of them are negative’

Aram screeched into the conversation, like a two wheeler would do in busy traffic and asked `is it for nothing our elders say that being a bachelor is living life on the edge?’.

 I was taken aback by this question. It is such questions which make me realise how entrenched is the need to get married in our society. Society has equated this ritual with air, water and food or possibly even bigger than the three of them. I cannot bite the dust in front of three guys who looked up to me or looked down on me (whatever as long they pay the café bill). I laughed shrilly more out of fear than contempt for his question, turned aside to hide my emotions and bingo the local authorities misdeed came to my rescue, a pit dug up for some work and left unclosed. If you think I decided to jump into it, you are wrong. I turned to Aram and said in a funny tone `Living in the edge is ok but how about living in a deep gorge. Getting off the edge is physically and mentally an easier task than getting out of a deep gorge’. They say in misadventures, the most unplanned action saves the day. Aram fell for this missive and hereafter it was all about how I am going to dominate him?

It was now Karthik’s turn to have an emotional go at me ` I stay alone in the city away from my family and nobody is there to take care of me. My family wants me to get married so that I have an emotional company and also the house becomes a home’.

I remembered the same dialogue was said to me by my mother 13 years ago, when I said I was not ready to get married. Till date, I have not seen one application form that asks for home address, all of them ask only for house address or residential address. Maybe there is something that the guys’ who frame application forms know that parents don’t know when they decide to push their children into marriage.

The problem of being a guru is you can’t writhe too much in your emotional flashbacks and hence I came back to the present and with a sigh replied `Karthik, do you keep your wifi connection open because you are feeling lonely or do you stick to the same job for years because you like the tea that is made in the cafeteria, obviously you don’t. The same is with getting married. You can make home out of your house by arranging your things or just by drawing a rangoli in front of it. If required, you can learn to cook by yourself, understand the best cook in our mythology is Bheema not Sita or Draupadi. Gandhiji cut his hairs by himself, emulate him and be free’

Karthik was still not convinced and asked `what about the fact that homemade food is the healthiest?’

 I asked `do you know the reason why homemade food is the healthiest?’

As the three gestured at my in anticipation, I replied `because you can never have too much of it’

All of us burst out laughing and now each one of them opened up their fears of getting married, Aram started by asking `I heard most women dominate their husbands, is it true?’

Now that I was in a dominant position, there was no need to give a detailed answer, I replied `Even Hitler knew this, that’s why he got married only two days before his death’

Sukhdeep `is it really difficult to understand a woman’s mind?’

I replied him, while updating on Facebook the answer I gave Aram `They have more moods than colors in a paint chart; more fluctuations in moods than the stock market; more emotional baggage than coaches in a long distance train; more fine print in emotions than in a discount sale advertisement and most importantly more bags than you can carry after their shopping trysts’.

Aram `one last question, are you a hen pecked husband?’

As they were sharing the bill, I got up to leave and said `I am a hen kicked husband and better reach home early so that my weekend is not lost in getting kicks’.

I presume I convinced them that marriage is an adventure worth pursuing. Hope soon the weeding cards will roll out and also an opportunity for me to savor a dinner at their cost, literally  :p.

A compliation of crass and pathetic 21/12/2012 jokes posted by me

Mayans had predicted end of the world on 21/12/2012. Obviously, it was a prank played by some cave guys on our generation. The amount of jokes it generated should make Mayans proud of their innocent prank. Well, there were a lot of good jokes on the apocalypse theory. Then there were my jokes, absolutely crass and pathetic posted on my Facebook Page Satire Sense . I have compiled them, but I am quite confident that at the end of reading this, you would feel that it would have been better if ,the world had come to  an end.

Will Apple maps work correctly atleast if Mayan Calendar comes true :-P

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Technical clarification from Mayans

Our calendar ends today destruction begins tommorow, TC :-P :-P

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A 21 gun salute to the Mayans who sold us the 21st December doomsday theoroy :-P :-P

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It will end... the rationalists can do nothing about it.
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I meant 2012 :-P

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Mayan's lacked finnese, otherwise their calendar would have ended on 20/12/2012 :-P

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Mayans must have been stody bosses, otherwise why would they end the world on a weekend :-P:-P

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Mayan's were the first fans of reality shows, otherwise they would never believed in this grand finale end :-P:-P:-P

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Those who have lots of money have to worry about the world ending, I have a lots of loans, so it might well end :p

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An optimistic superstitionist,is one who will search for one more calendar, post 21/12/2012, which predicts end of Earth:-P:-P:-P

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Weekend end

next weekend world end :-P:-P:-P

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Most likely status update by me on 21/12/2012 at 21:12:12 "Damn, it is better that world ends than driving on moon crater like Bangalore roads" :-P

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Most unlikely status update by me on 21/12/2012 "caught in a huge wave, it is about to splash me away" :p

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Guys and Gals, this is the last weekend you will be spending in prosperity, next weekend it is going to be 21/12/2012 :P

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All those who believe in the Mayan Calendar, please transfer the credit balance in your bank a/c to me on or before 20/12/2012. :-P:-P:-P

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21st December 2012 is a Friday, so the beginning of the end is going to begin on a weekend :P

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A dirty reminder 21/12/2012 is less than a month away :P

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How I got to comb like Shashi Kapoor?

As a young boy my father never let me grow long hairs. My father was quite certain that a youngster who has long hairs would never grow up to be a disciplined and intelligent person. Alas! He did not live long enough to see that I am neither despite having short hairs as an youngster. Thus, haircut was a monthly but disgusting exercise for me. The moment it would reach styling stage, I would be taken to a particular barber the very next Sunday and the undisciplined growth would be done away with.  I used to pray that the offending growth would start on a Monday so that atleast till Saturday I could continue styling my hair. I was in awe of the way Shashi Kapoor combed his hair. Alas! That never happened and maybe one of the first reasons why I got suspicious about the existence of God.

By the by, the saloon was named as`New Royal Hair Dressers’. There was nothing royal about that place, it had a few old wooden benches and an equally disgusting long table on which I was made to sit for a haircut. The barber himself was so old that I used to think he should have given Robert Clive’s army many a haircuts. Such a stooge he was, he would ensure that that the growth of hair was razed to the ground. No wonder! My father used to drag me and my brother to a hair cut only to him. The saloon was very close to the railway track and how many times I had hoped that a train would skip its track and run into the saloon when the barber was inside it.

I was the constant subject of ridicule amongst my classmates for the short hairs I had but none of those taunts passed through MIS (Mother Information Systems) to my father got me any relief. I was resigned to a life from a very young age of not disturbing the comb and now that I am forty plus, with hair disappearing rapidly, very soon the comb will take its final leave from me.

During winter seasons (Bangalore used to be cold at that time during winters), I was forced to wear monkey caps during night time to keep myself warm. (Now don’t ask me, was it called a monkey cap just because people like me wore it?). Wearing the monkey cap meant little strands of hairs used to be standing up in the morning when the cap was removed and flattening them was a next to impossible task. Not flattening them and going to school was never an option because it meant more taunts from my friends. I used to apply coconut oil, water to bring down the  `erection’. Even when the hairs were grown , they never used to sit consistently as it was combed. My obdurate Granny used to remark, this is a sure sign that he will never settle into a family life and here I am a very obedient husband. How wrong these superstitions are!

It was in such a scenario, when I was studying in 7^th standard my elder brother purchased an imported Hair Dryer. I had no idea what a hair dryer could do except overheard the fact that it can style hair. It was a Wednesday and my hairs had grown long enough to be razed down the coming Sunday. This was my best chance to go to school  with my favorite “Shashi Kapoor” style. I got up the next day, had a bath, went in front of the mirror, applied a lot of coconut oil and combed my hair in my favorite “Shashi Kapoor” style and asked my brother to put on the dryer, so that hair could set well. The entire household was laughing their guts out. Finally, my elder brother controlled his laughter and told me that a hair dryer can only dry little water on the hair and not oil. I was feeling abashed but my mother comforted me and asked me to skip school, have a head bath and stay at home. When my father came back from office, the incident was narrated, he too laughed it off and realizing the fact that  now I was an adolescent, let me grow my hairs for a longer period of time. The gap between two haircuts was increased to two months. Finally! I could comb my hair like `Shashi Kapoor’.

This blog is a part of the  Perfect Straight Hair by Lakme contest on  http://www.indiblogger.in