Mindless Satire

Saturday, 21 January 2017

Sunrise As Seen On A Flight From Delhi to Bengaluru

Handling The Stiffness - An erratic erotic poem

Handling the Stiffness

One day I woke with a stiff one

Walking around with it is no fun

I paid a guy who made his life handling such stiffness

He said you’re my lifetime customer, dear highness

I can only provide a few sessions of relief

You can with efforts provide self relief

Saying he called his assistant and appears a charismatic enchantress

Winking he said, this stiffness needs all your magic and shrewdness

The paid guy was an orthopedician

The lady was handling my physiotherapy sessions

Spondylosis was the referred stiffness

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Those Were The Days When A Couple Could Say In Public `We Love Doggies', And No One Would Bat An Eyelid

It was a mid-November morning in Bengaluru, I was traveling by Namma Metro, and a girl was seated in front of me. She was dressed to kill, and my glad eye could not keep from stealing a few glances of her. In the next station, a friend of hers boarded, and greeting the `Miss Dressed to Kill' said `Babe, you're looking hot". I have an open mind but this compliment was new to me. When I was in college, guys complimented a girl as `a hottie' in her absence. When I started working, it was said to the girl herself. Later this compliment was seen on social media, and now a girl is calling another girl hot, that too in public. Just an observation on changing times rather than a moral rant, since I myself am not sure of my own morals.

What times have come to? Talking of its homophone `cum', when I was a kid, it used to be `Sofa cum bed', or `Bathroom cum Toilet'. Needless to say, these are great places to come and cum or just cum. Back in those days, it was easier for couples to say `We love doggies' or for a husband to remark, `your pussy is causing havoc all over the colony'.

It was common back then for a male to go down on his knees, and propose to the girl, these days girls who go down on their knees are preferred. `It sucks' still, evokes disgust but `she sucks' evokes ecstasy.

Correct me if I'm wrong, the primary association of the word `hump' many summers ago was with a camel, and later speed breakers on roads. Laptops were those female secretaries who sat more on their bosses lap, than at their desk.

People these days are worried about the battery life of their mobiles. Instead of tying their life to a mobile, why don't they get mobile, and get a life? They can charge themselves through physical activity, and hope for better discharges. Instead, they are worried about the battery life and charge it the moment it is below acceptable limits. In the good old days, Charge usually meant a fare or a fee. These days we have a recharge, surge-charge, and the one that facilitates all these, a mobile charger.

In my times, you were told to learn, how to read someone's face like a book, so that you can understand the person. Nowadays, that purpose is served by reading their Facebook wall. There was a lot of data collected about cloud those days. We've not stopped collecting them but these days clouds also have our data. Python in my days was feared but now it has to be learned by a coder

Virtual, a couple of decades ago meant not real, but these days, virtual is virtually preferred more than the real. We trust our virtual friends more than the real ones. Our parents used to borrow from the moneylender but we use the credit cards. The Government says it is good for the country if we use virtual money. Virtual is the new age sacred ritual.

I hope to rewrite this blog one day in the future, with what has happened to terms like blanket, backpack, apps, portal, upgrade, blog, handle, etc.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

A Few Funny Boards From Dehradun

In the first pic, only the owner has to explain what he means by

Prompt & Most Efficient Service Under Experienced

The second pic is of a " Dear Park"

Saturday, 7 January 2017

For a few lip locks more

If your wife throws kisses
Instead of rolling pins
Go cardless, blame the bankers
Forget the ATM pins, blame the hackers

Pretend neck & limb injury
Ignore my advisory
Get more bags to carry

Kisses you may get on the way
Bills you will get to pay

Earn more, go cashless
Yearn for a smooch, less

Think again, think again
Is there any gain

For a few lock of lips.
Don't exhaust your credit limits

Turn over a new leaf

Turn over a new leaf
If you see me eating beef
Don't get into grief
Instead smile with relief
It's beef not your mid reef

Turn over a new leaf
Get rid of the belief
That your belief
is the superior belief
It's a belief
neither the coral reef
nor the Burj Khaleef

Fairness is just a skin colour

To say only being fair is beautiful
is being unfair to beauty

Do you believe dark skin needs to be treated
Do you believe dark skin needs to be treated
If yes, you need to be quarantined

Fair skin does not make one confident
Talent and attitude are neither fair nor dark
Yet they alone can ensure your ascent
Let the fairness cream ads take a walk

Fairness is just a skin colour
It never made anyone wiser or smarter

Sunday, 10 July 2016

The Best Contraceptive

School and College fees receipts, more importantly what is paid without receipt should be used as contraceptives. #educationinindia #schoolfees #collegefees. Is it fees or fleece?

Black money in India will never end till education, health care and dwelling construction is there.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

If You Can Endure A Certain Loud Mouthed Journalist

If you can endure the loud mouthed journalist, self appointed questioner on behalf of the nation and be mentally healthy, the are more chances that you can:-

a. endure super sonic sounds.
b. Make sense of any argument in life.
c. don't require meditation classes
d. skip cardiac tests.
e. find NGC programs humorous
f. find the proverbial needle in a haystack.
g. count stars in the sky.
h. know answer why kitappa killed bahubali.
i. give better advice than Jeeves.
j. understand everything from Nuclear science to rocket launching to economic theories to recipes.
k. understand what is Bermuda triangle.
l. drive on Indian roads without stress.
m. find the real value of π.
n. appreciate music of sound.

Thursday, 7 July 2016

Why Home Made Food Is So Good?

Is your nose delicious?

Won't eat what you preach is good

Will eat what displeases your mood

If you want, eat shoots and roots

My taste buds want flesh and bones

What you eat doesn't make you any good

Demonising food isn't how you please any god.

Don't poke your nose into my food

If I find it delicious, it may end up as my food.

Home Made Food

For valid reasons, Home made food is healthy

For obvious reasons, it is stomach friendly

For unnamed reasons, it does not make you bulky

All three reasons are one and the same, I know it silly

They say child is god and never says a lie

At the sight of home-made food, he or she does always cry

Contential, Punjabi or Chinese, a new recipe every time

Hazarding a guess what it is, is my predicament every time

Get critical and you will find rice become paste

Spice in sambar will make your rectum precipitate

A married man learns it the hard way

To say, honey, have to go to office early today

When he sees, Kesari Bath coming his way

Home Made Mysore Paks are the hardest known substances

Needless to say, Gulab Jamoons are their nearest cousins.

Stand up in respect for

Milkmaid which has saved many a homemade khers

Chilly sauces which have helped upma disappear from plates

Food ordering apps which prevent cooking disasters on special days

Sigh in disgust at

The individual who said `the way to a man's heart is his stomach'

He sure left a bad taste in every man's mouth and a weak stomach.

Sigh in disgust

At the countless cookery programs and their recipes

Which has converted kitchens into laboratories

That sarcastic man when he says his wife's cooking is inspiring

Actually meant it keeps his sarcasm going.

Sunday, 3 July 2016

The Problem With Religion

The problem with religion is it does not have reason
The problem with reason is it does not have faith
The problem with faith is it excepts you to be the same every season
The problem with season is, it's never straight
The problem with being straight, religion wants you be only in sex and not in life.
The problem with life is it started before religion
The problem with religion is lack of reason that has made difficult life.

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Ecstasy and Gravity, The Two Sides Of Life

Ecstasy v Gravity

Life is all about ecstasy and gravity

Ecstasy is getting your salary

Gravity is EMI taking your last penny

No one feels ecstatic, paying service tax for dinning

Everyone will feel gravity more, when it’s for valet parking

Ecstasy is making fun about religion, society and yourself

Gravity is realizing you can joke only about yourself

Ecstasy is about a dream of having good days in every aspect

Gravity is about realizing good day is a brand of biscuit

Settling down in life after all the struggle in life is ecstasy.

Marrying to make it better, is the conspiracy of gravity.

Ecstasy is marriage doubling your relations

Gravity is relations troubling your marriage.

Ecstasy is always reaching office on time

Gravity is boss never being on time

Ecstasy is boy proposing to the girl he desires

Gravity is the girl saying `wait till he abdicates’

Ecstasy is a crying kid going to play home

Gravity is a weeping parent going to old age home.

Ecstasy is when weekend arrives

Gravity is when Monday strikes

Ecstasy is buying an imported luxury car

Graving is driving it on a road without Tar

To get drenched in Bengaluru rain is ecstasy

To not notice an open drain is enticing gravity.

Monday, 23 May 2016

Global Warming and Traffic Sense

I’m Hot

I’m hot said the sun

I replied, a cheeky pun

It sighed and said `you skewed nature’

I’ll make you feel a barbecued creature

I reasoned `I can’t eat or have fun’

Soon, like Christ, I’ll have to bear a fan.

It thundered, you cut the trees, occupied the lakes and chased the birds

I’ll make your skin dark, throats quack and bowels crack.

I pleaded it was my forefathers

It said, natures graves are your homes.

When you can inherit their properties

Pay for their follies

It’s my power play

Lets play, I’m hot and you’re my prey

Traffic Sense

Traffic Sense

What nonsense?

They make their road

Save thy throat

respecting signals is insulting

to their buffalo skin coating

Quick passage is their birth right

Giving way is your birth right.

Making way for ambulance is prude

Zigzag driving makes them dude

One day with broken bones

A miserable few realize traffic rules

Are not made for fools

Blessed few, being human, powerful

After mowing, human handful

Get sympathy, bail and not guilty paper

Easier than Candy, e-mail and hot jalebi platter

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

The Horlicks Immunity Indiblogger Meet in Bengaluru on May 8, 2016

A blogger meet. A blogger meet on a Sunday evening on Mother’s Day. A blogger meet on a Sunday evening at Taj Vivanta, the premium five star hotel of Bengaluru. A blogger meet on a Sunday evening at Taj Vivanta organized by Horlicks wherein you’re allowed to bring your kid along. I did not require a better invitation to attend the meet. With my niece Navya in stride, we drove to the meet and were welcomed warmly by the indiblogger team. The new indipass shows how technologically farsighted the indiblogger team is and how technologically handicapped I’m, because I had quite a problem in locating my indipass in my email.

We were welcomed with juice and beverages. While I decided to have some juice, Navya decided to down a cup of Horlicks, being her favourite drink.

The meet started with the usual introductions by Zoombie and being Women’s Day the entire session was reserved for ladies. Next was the session by Jill Castle. It was not just a presentation on growth, it was a master class. Some of the aspects of dieting she spoke were not just for children but even grown ups. She eloquently spoke about the problems with nutrition in India. Then she suggested the ways and means to overcome nutrition problems. If there is anything which can overcome her talk in its wholesomeness, it is only Horlicks.

Then there was a product presentation which I had to skip due to an urgent call and also most part of the panel discussion. I did catch a glimpse of the panel discussion wherein the lady spoke about the wholesomeness of Indian diets. How much we have moved away from our roots and searching for solace in other thought process which are so alien to us?

Then there was a small quiz and I happened to be part of the winning team. The team members had carefully taken pics of some presentations and also google came in handy to answer a few questions. All the team members received, hefty gift vouchers from Flipkart. I gave my share to Navya as her birthday gift, which is coming up shortly.

We had our dinner, collected the Horlicks goodies and headed home as clouds were pouring and cooling an otherwise hot Bengaluru. During the meet, got to make some new friends and renew a few old collections.

Monday, 14 March 2016

Happy Birthday Aamir Khan

Today I attempted waking up 25 times, trying to get up at exact 75°. Then I exhausted my new toothpaste tube trying to squeeze out 5gms of toothpaste exactly. Then I spent 2 litres of petrol trying to start the car with the apt cranking sound. Why was I obsessed with this perfection, then I realised it was Aamir Khan's birthday

Thursday, 10 March 2016

A Mistaken Collection Of Funny Poems

What Was A Mistake?

It was a mistake to assume

At 15, grades meant knowledge.

At 20, a good job meant life.

At 25, marriage meant bliss.

At 30, a pledged home meant asset.

At 35, driving a car meant pride

At 40 plus, my poetries amuse people

What is a Mistake?

Be bothered about the glass than quench your thirst.

To say err is human and worry about six sigma

To assume grass is greener on the other side, standing in a desert.

Get married and accept that it takes two for an argument

Queue up for a free offer and say there are no free lunches in the world

Reluctantly leave office in the wee hours and claim there is no place like home.

Wax about the early bird that catches the prey and claim better late than never

Entrust your future to an orator and understand that empty vessels make more sound

To say democracy is by the people and quell & sedate dissent.

Was it a Mistake?

My Friends said propose to your girl on the banks of a body of water

With a card, words of love and a bunch of flower.

God only knows, when I did, why she reacted like an angry clover

I gave her my ration card, a cauliflower and in front of a gutter

With romantic words, if not interested, give it to your sister.

It Was A Mistake

Instead of the brake, to press the accelerator

To believe, right turn becomes left, in reverse gear.

Insist on checking air pressure, in the steering wheel.

To confess to my wife, that she is the better driver.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Funny Poetries On `Who Am I"?

They said the theme is `Who am I?’

I thought about it, till my grey cells went dry

Inside my soul everything is grey, sleazy and full of greed

I said to myself, if I have to say, WTF – What to Fake.

I said to myself, WTF – Why Try and Fail

I decided to describe myself, front to hind.

I shall exercise discretion

So here goes the description

Scalp sparsely populated, the few available strands coloured.

Inside the scalp near vacuum

Eyes which never lie but full of sty

Ears which welcome complimentary stuff, to taunts they turn deaf.

Face Oily, Nose twiddly and Tongue loves it spicy

Neck lengthy, spondylosis its best buddy

Spine twisted, never in the presence of boss it is straightened.

Heart, full of sleaze, greed, and treachery.

Stomach ever ready, to devour a biryani.

Here, I shall exercise my discretion

Knees which are weak, creak and tweak in motion.

Feets which are very fleet, to run across the street, when wife comes to beat.

My inside story is mediocre

I’m hollow at the core

No six pack to make me a cynosure

You can now wake up from your snore

*******************************************

Whom Am I?

One Question which will never get an honest answer

Never a question pleases anyone

Definitely not this one

Breathtaking it would be, if a pilot asked it mid-air.

Heart stopping it would be, if a surgeon asked it after opening a patient’s skull.

Refreshing it would be, if elected representatives asked themselves.

Soul slapping it would be, if freedom of speech walked up and asked those who get offended with it.

Fitting it would be, if calf asked the self appointed sons and daughters of `Gau Mata’.

Catastrophic it would be, Catastrophic it would be

If a husband angrily asked at the end of his wife’s shopping voyage.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

A Compilation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives That Nobody Will Laugh (Part III)

After marriage, a girl from being a Miss becomes a Mrs.

Boy from Dude to Dud..

You cheat God thousands of times.

But God is so kind,
He doesn't punish you everytime..

He just gets you MARRIED.

Marriage, Marriage, the longest surviving mirage.
Nowdays it begins as garden of urge, later becomes a ring of umbrage
Having babies is the default result
Rearing them is the life long effect.
Remaining committed is the vow
Doing so in devil’s paradise is the woe.
Like my relatives and unlike yours is a couple’s mantra
Commenting adversely on them is the agenda
Mutual distrust is what they share
Ego massaging is what they care
Marriage, Marriage, the long surviving mirage
Arranged or love, without emotional bondage
It turns an emotional sacrilege

My wife is a strong believer of Vastu Shastra.
Whenever we have a fight,
she lifts any "Vastu" and
uses it as a "Shastra"...

All you need is love and a good fat income to keep the love going.

Girl : Who is more beautiful, me or the full moon?

Boy: Definitely you my darling.

Girl : tell me the reason or I shall not be flattered

Boy: Ok, your face is more smoother than the moon' s surface

Moral : Dont search reason in a flaterring remark or you may be faultered.

.A key to a successful married is both husband and wife should be patient, if either one of them is impatient.....

the husband lands up an in-patient .

LG to make smart fridges which will detect stale food. Husbands will finally get to eat fresh food.

When you fall in love, dont worry about failure, because you cant fail any further.

Facebook is a female, that is why it has provision only for likes.

Having an ex-flame is ok, as long as you have doused the fire properly.

Friday, 15 January 2016

A Compliation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives Nobody Will Laugh At (Part II)

If my love is a lemon, you're the greased dish

Nothing can make a husband sleep immediately

than the words "i want to talk to you"

Husbands are not disappointed with flipkart sale, they are used to it.

A husband trying to make his wife see reason is as impossible as trying to throw a stone into the sky, if anything it comes back, it’s to hit him hard.

Married men are not cartoons, they are puppets.