What Married Men Mean When They Ask?

A Compilation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives That Nobody Will Laugh (Part III)

After marriage, a girl from being a Miss becomes a Mrs.

Boy from Dude to Dud..

You cheat God thousands of times.

But God is so kind, 
He doesn't punish you everytime..

He just gets you MARRIED.

Marriage, Marriage, the longest surviving mirage.
Nowdays it begins as garden of urge, later becomes a ring of umbrage
Having babies is the default result
Rearing them is the life long effect.
Remaining committed is the vow
Doing so in devil’s paradise is the woe.
Like my relatives and unlike yours is a couple’s mantra
Commenting adversely on them is the agenda
Mutual distrust is what they share
Ego massaging is what they care
Marriage, Marriage, the long surviving mirage
Arranged or love, without emotional bondage
It turns an emotional sacrilege

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My wife is a strong believer of Vastu Shastra.
Whenever we have a fight,
she lifts any "Vastu" and
uses it as a "Shastra"...

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All you need is love and a good fat income to keep the love going.

Girl : Who is more beautiful, me or the full moon?

Boy: Definitely you my darling.

Girl : tell me the reason or I shall not be flattered

Boy: Ok, your face is more smoother than the moon' s surface

Moral : Dont search reason in a flaterring remark or you may be faultered.

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.A key to a successful married is both husband and wife should be patient, if either one of them is impatient.....

the husband lands up an in-patient .

LG to make smart fridges which will detect stale food. Husbands will finally get to eat fresh food.

When you fall in love, dont worry about failure, because you cant fail any further.

Facebook is a female, that is why it has provision only for likes.

 Having an ex-flame is ok, as long as you have doused the fire properly.

A Compliation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives Nobody Will Laugh At (Part II)

If my love is a lemon, you're the greased dish

Nothing can make a husband sleep immediately

than the words "i want to talk to you"

Husbands are not disappointed with flipkart sale, they are used to it.

A husband trying to make his wife see reason is as impossible as trying to throw a stone into the sky, if anything it comes back, it’s to hit him hard.

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Married men are not cartoons, they are puppets.

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Bachelors have break-ups once a while
Married men don't have broken bones once a while.

The flip side of being a humorist is after a length of time even your typos seem to people as a joke. Guess same thing happens in marriages too, after a few years even a romantic look seems to be an angry stare

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It’s easy to spot a married man at the store alone. He’s the one with a look of terror in his eyes that he’ll pick the glue stick instead of yoghurt.

A real man is one who has complete freedom in his home
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to hide anywhere when his wife is looking for him..

Husbands are much like Wallmart customers, they accept what is dished out to them.

The guy who coined the phrase "and they lived happily thereafter" was never married. .

SMILE after marriage means Simply Making It Look Exciting..

Drone technology should be used very carefully, least some wife uses it to punch her husband having a drink with his friends..

Food in a flight is like sex in marriage, never enough but no other option‪..

Every couple should grandly celebrate their wedding anniversaries, otherwise you know what we do the remaining 364 days..

Practice makes a man perfect

So what about women.
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The guy who said this was a married guy who once asked his wife to improve her cooking and realised the consequences. .

South Indian marriages are as exciting as a slow motion scene which lasts for 2 hours…

All those couples who got married or will get married on April 1 have a great sense of humour.

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A woman on a shopping spree is the biggest oxymoron, it should be shopping evolution.

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A Compilation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives That Nobody Will Laugh (Part I)

All these Jokes are mine. The very fact that you will laugh at none of them proves it.

Male Spouse is the Mouse.

It's time someone put in their wedding card, all kinds of Dal in quantities of 5 kg or more welcome as a gift

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Study revealed,that if women keep Maun varat instead of Karva Chauth varat,men surely will have long life.

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Home made food is healthy because you can never have too much of it. 

A married man should learn to agree, or over his injuries will he have to grieve.

My advice to bachelors

Marriage is not to be feared. Nothing like that, get married only then you will appreciate your parents, teachers, boss, government and even Aliens

Marriages are made in heaven

Thanks! for the warning, next time I'll depart from hell

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Married men fear two things, one their mother in law coming in for a long stay and two, the lady of the house asking for their credit card

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Married & lived happily forever-hahahaha, that's definitely an oxymoron.

They say don't laugh at your wife's choice, you're one of them.

My reply, I've a sense of humour to laugh at myself.

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Don't get married because friends of your age are married

Don't get married because your families want you to

Don't get married because you want company

Don't get married because you want to take care of your biological needs

So why should you get married?
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Get married only because you're feeling jealous at your own happiness. 

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All those who don't get pranked today are already married.

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Advice, on Valentine day hug safe, else learn to change Huggies in a wafe way.

February 13 is kiss day 
This year it's on Friday the 13th, how apt?

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If my love is a novel
You're the printer's devil

Love never changes as they say

When in love

I'm madly in love with you

After marriage

I was mad to fall in love with you

Love must be blind otherwise why would lovers grope each other in the dark

The moon outside is so beautiful, I was standing in the balcony and admiring her.
My wife could not tolerate to see my happy face `What's it you're admiring?"

I said `Poornima' and then flew the missiles from inside

When a Husband gives money to his wife, what do we call it??

The title is demeaning. Before feminists friends jump at me, I would like to request them to read this piece of writing till the end. There’s some fun but nothing which is disrespectful of women.

I recently received this whatsapp message and thought it would be fitting to answer it in my own sarcastic way.

ANSWER THIS ONE?:

Money has different names !!! In church it’s called (offering), in school it’s (fee), in marriage it's called (dowry), in divorce (alimony), when u owe someone it’s (debt ), when you pay the government (tax), in court (fines), civil servant retirees (pension) boss to workers (salary), master to subordinates (wages), when you borrow from bank (loan), when you offer after a service (tip), to kidnappers (ransom), illegally received in the name of service (bribe).
The question is "when a Husband gives it to his Wife what do we call it??

Is it a fee?

Yes, a wife thinks that before marriage her husband did not know how to eat, talk, dress, save, and what not. She is the angel who made him a creature acceptable in civilization and hence it is a fee.

Is it alimony?

There goes an old joke; you don’t know the value of your wife until a judge fixes it.

Is it a tax?

It is when you take them for shopping and you also pay tax to the government when they shop. This the most stringent form of double taxation.

Is it a ransom?

Dear Husbands, don’t you pay up a ransom whenever your cylindrical case of skin is at its full glory and wifey is not interested in deflating it.

Is it a fine?

Yes, when you have had the drunken revelries with friends or want to watch that football or cricket match, you do pay a fine.

Is it a bribe?

When you want your parents to stay with you or want to pay for your sibling’s education or even want to treat your relatives at home, better learn to bribe.

Don’t even think of using terms like wages, salary, tip, etc., unless you don’t want to see your wife for a substantial period of time due to eye injury caused by her punches.

Jokes apart, a wife does make her husband. I attribute a lot of my progress to my wonderful wife. I’m able to crack relentless jokes on the relationship between a husband and wife only because I have an understanding wife at home.

If a mother dies leaving behind young children their future usually goes haywire but if a father dies, more often than not, the kids reach pinnacle of success. The mental and physical strength of a woman cannot be matched by a man.

So, is it necessary for me to say that the money paid by a husband to his wife is an offering?