21 T-Shirt Slogan Ideas for Bangaloreans

1.       My friend trusted the road on a drizzling day and got drowned in a pothole

2.       Even my shadow has learned to `Adjust Madi’.

3.       Drive on the wrong side to reach a place early.

4.       Bangalore has atleast one pub per pothole

5.       I carry a backpack full of coins while travelling by a BMTC bus

6.       I wish the country progressed at the rate a Bangalore auto meter  ticks

7.       Namma Metro will grow by itself.

8.       Potholes are the new lakes of Bangalore.

9.       Roof over the head is passé, aim for an exclusive parking place.

10.   We are proud of our garbage.

11.   Bangalore weather and girls are subject to change without notice

12.   Deadend in Bangalore does not mean end of road.

13.   Footpaths are not for pedestrians.

14.   Driving and talking is the best neck exercise.

15.   You cannot avoid death and traffic jams.

16.   Atleast 4 localities have the same name.

17.   Bonded labour is illegal but tenants are no better.

18.   Terms like stone throw distance and affordable prices are best ignored.

19.   KFC is a bus stop.

20.   Only cattle and dogs  give way to ambulances.

21.   BESCOM brightens your  day by keeping the streetlights on.

Bangalore for Women - A Times of India/ Indiblogger meet

Recently I attended a meet organized by Indiblogger and The Times of India on the topic `Bangalore for Women’. I have attended four meets organized by Indiblogger and this was the best, only for the opinions that came out. More than a few expressed their opinions about safety of women in Bangalore and one of them made me ashamed of Bangalore. The Bangalore, which I was brought up in, had immense respect for women. House owners always preferred girl tenants because unlike boys they don’t create any problems for the neighbours, and in this case this girl was evicted in the middle of a night, just because she dared to complain against a psycho who stalking her. What sort of heartless person is that owner? He is a bigger criminal in this issue than the psycho who was stalking her. I can only bow my head in shame before this young girl, for the hurt and anguish caused to her by a few insensitive citizens of my city.

Once Bangalore was a sleepy city and there used to be hardly any movement of people after 9 pm. I still recall once when I had to pay fees for ICWAI course in N.R. Colony, Basavanagudi and missed the last bus. I decided to walk back home which was 25 kms away. I did narrate this incident in the meet and you can read all about this here. Ever since the IT/BT story came to Bangalore, the city never sleeps. You can always see a young girl waiting in the middle of the night for her office cab or returning home at an early hour. Everything seemed fine until Pratibha Murthy, a BPO employee was raped and murdered by her taxi driver. A huge hue and cry was raised about protection of working women, especially those who have to travel late nights or early morning. As is the case with all hypes, this too died down. Still I see on my morning walk, girls returning alone in a cab. Nobody takes the responsibility; neither the always dormant Government; nor the software bosses who always have comments on functioning of the Government but never realise that charity and clarity begins at home; nor the Press which when such an incident happens highlights the issue to hilt and later puts it to rest when another issue becomes the burning topic. The rapist and killer of Pratibha Murthy meanwhile has got away with a life punishment. CALL ME BARBARIC, ANYBODY WHO RAPES AND KILLS A WOMAN HAS TO BE HANGED AND THIS HAS TO TAKE PLACE WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF SUCH AN INCIDENT. THE ONLY EVIDENCE IN A RAPE CASE SHOULD BE THE DNA TEST AND NOTHING BEYOND THAT. THERE SHOULD BE NO PROVISION FOR A MERCY PETITION FOR SUCH AN ANIMAL. AS FAR AS A RAPIST WHO DOES NOT KILL, HE MUST BE GIVEN LIFE IMPRISONMENT WITH SOLITARY CONFINEMENT AND SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO MEET HIS FAMILY OR ANYBODY. THERE SHOULD BE NO HUMAN RIGHTS FOR A RAPIST.

Yet another lady had complained about ladies seat being occupied by men. Sorry girls, this is not an ideal world, raise your voice, rankle a few guys and the change will set in. I have seen ladies from lower strata of the society fight for their seat in a public bus but not the educated ones. If what is rightfully yours is not given to you, learn to snatch it. Why not start a campaign on the social media `Get you’re a*** out of my seat’? Good news for girls travelling in buses, BMTC has recently lodged a campaign to book men who sit in seats reserved for women. The BMTC has an excellent complaint mechanism and you should lodge your complaints to ensure that this campaign is continued.

There was also a lady who narrated how she dealt with sexual harassment at work place. Take a bow Madamji, we require more ladies like you at work place. The best punishment for a guy who indulges in sexual harassment at work place would be to conduct the inquiry in presence of his family members. Inclusion of such a provision itself would put off many an office swine.

Trafficking of women was one topic which was never discussed in the meet. Here, I would like to point out that the print media carries classified advertisements about seedy massage parlours; friendship clubs and at time escort services. Will any newspaper’s finances crumble, if they stop carrying these advertisements?

I am appalled at the fact that after speaking so much about respect for women in the society, I enjoy item songs; dance to their beats and call up radio stations to play them. Do you also indulge in such hypocracy? I hope not.

A girls dress cannot be blamed for a rape. If dress is the reason for a rape, why do Dalit women who go fetch water, covered from head to toe get gang raped? The blame and shame for a rape or sexual harassment or trafficking or eve teasing is not on the girl but only on the man who indulges in such acts.

One last piece of advice for the girls at the risk of being called a MCP please be aware of the city you are staying; safe hours to move around; safe modes of transport and most importantly the unsafe spots. This is not to curb your freedom but please understand that your family and the society depend on you for its progress. There is no point in your precious life being lost to the designs of a barbaric just because you were not a little more aware.

Bangalore Autorickshaws Principles of Movement

Bangalore Autorickshaw principles of movement or Autocracy

People criticise Auto drivers in Bangalore. All these are false and baseless. You have to just understand the Autorichsaw principles of motion and once you understand that, COMMUTING in Bangalore with the HELP of Autorickshaws is the HEALTHIEST. Here are the principles of Autocracy:-

a. This principle applies for a distance of 3 kms. If you want to travel more than 3 kms, reapply the principles from point b or concur with points at e and f.

b. Walk a distance from your house to the main road because Autorickshaws’ don’t come to inner roads. The chances of finding an auto is 0.5% and the chances of him wanting to go in the opposite direction of your destination is 75%.

c. Skip the autos in the stand; you should understand it is a STAND  not GO. There are 95% chances that the Auto Pilot will give you a nasty stare for disturbing his intellectual conversation with co-pilots.

d. Walk further, if you find an auto standing for no reason, don’t disturb him, either he is having a nap after a day of hardly any work or chatting on the mobile. There are 87%  chances that he won’t even stare at you.

e. Walk along, if you find any auto just meandering along, put your hand out and gesture him to stop. There are 56% chances he will agree to come to your destination but the chance of him demanding 3 times the fare is 99%.

f. Walk further, you will find an auto driver ready to come to any destination you ask him to. There are 78% chances that his auto meter will outdo Ussain Bolt.

g. Ignoring him move further and you will find an auto driver who is polite, honest and service oriented, the chances of which are 3% but he will be of no use to you since you have already walked 3 kms.

If you skip point e and f subject to the condition that point g does not happen, you will be the most healthiest individual around.

A sarcastic poem on the Bangalore Auto Driver

Bangalore auto driver moves like king of streets

In the middle of the road, abruptly he turns

To find an elusive passenger, blocking traffic he glides

Listening to his favorite music he swirls across the road like pikes

For many it is not about the passenger

It is not about the fare

It is not reaching someone somewhere

It is all about chatting with friends without a care

Request, plead or urge him to come there

With disdain looks like a maharaja of the yore

He will with his eyes suggest what  a sore

And continue with his snore

There are a obliging few

Their fare meters are as honest and resolute as the morning dew

There is no rhyme or rhythm in its upward move

Before you realise you have pledged a fortune.

The facilities he expects from the Goverment are royal

The language he uses is diabolical

Honk your way  is his moral.

When he hits your vehicle, it is normal

When you hit his vehicle, his tribe, surrounds you like a mongrel

Somebody stop this three wheeled malice

Metro, mono or an improved BMTC will suffice 

Horror-scope for Bangaloreans

I tried blogging to supplement my income but is not working. My Google Adsense account has been banned thanks to an overzealous friend. To ensure earnings from blogs, I have decided to write horror-scopes for various categories of people. Charity begins at home, so does experiment and keeping in tune with this sentiment, I am starting out with writing horror-scope for Bangalore citizens.

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – You will find your parking space occupied by garbage because garabage generated by you does not have a parking space.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – Today if it rains heavily you will find that Bangalore has replaced Udaipur as city of lakes because you will find a lake in every road of Bangalore on your drive back home.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Today you will start believing that Bangalore roads are the arena for xtreme sports.

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – Your harassed psyche   will start suspecting that Curosity pictures are from some landfill for Bangalore garbage.

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – You would want to go on a hunger strike until footpath is renamed as lootpath.

Virgo (August 23 − September 22) – You would want to go on knees and prostrate before the CAG if they can tell you how many lakhs of crores Bangaloreans have lost due to a non - existent infrastructure.

Libra (September 23 − October 22) – You will believe that you are driving on American roads not because of the quality of roads but because most two wheelers are driving on wrong side of the road and the traffic cops are doing nothing about it.

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – You would want to know from the athletics federation why Bangalore pedestrians are not allowed to compete in the Olympics. Even Usain Bolt can’t cross a speeding vehicle more quickly.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – You would want to scream at Mallya `If you had run KFA with purely profit only model like BMTC buses, your model airhostess would have still been employed’

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – Your poor mathematics skills will suggest that going to Mars is cheaper than buying a house in Bangalore.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – You would want the IIMs to include a chapter in their syllabus on `How to convince Bangalore autowallas to go where you want to?’

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – You would want to know from BESCOM why power supply quality is as unstable as the ministry in power.

For  tomorrow’s forecast please interchange with the sun sign of your liking and if on any day, you have all the 12 experiences, please contact  here for  further  assistance.