Statutory Warning: This piece of writing is a poor and feeble attempt to write like P G Wodehouse but not even 0.01% funny as the master’s works.
In
the last few years, I have noticed an increasing number of Indians in my
neighbourhood. Nice folks, love their food, especially a special dish they
prepare combining lamb meat and rice with a lot of spices, and they call it
mutton biryani. A friend of mine lives so that he can eat them, capital guy.
Indians are the cleanest chaps you can
find. I always find most of them clean shaven, with a red dot or ash strips on
their foreheads. Once I asked Jeeves, the relevance and he explained the red
vermilion on female heads improves their fertility, and the sacred ash on the
male head keeps them away from distractions. This combination is such an oxymoron,
given the population in India.
Today was different most Indians were
looking like they just had a dip in the stuff that Empress usually dwells in. I
wished a few in the morning from my balcony and all were in pristine white but
after a few hours are looking like multi-colored mannequins on the move.
I
beckoned Jeeves `What’s up with this lot, they look messed’
`Sir,
it’s only for today, they are celebrating Holi’
`I
thought Indians were very religious guys and you say only today they celebrate
being holy’
Usually
it’s difficult to evoke an emotion from Jeeves but today I could find both his
eyebrows raised so much so that he resembled Leonard Nimoy. Wish I could sneak
into the Junior Ganymede Diary, to find what he has written about my
intelligence levels, but guess it cannot be very charitable.
`Sir, it’s spelt as H-O-L-I’
`Jeeves,
you need not howl HOLI so loudly’
`Sir,
I just tried to make it clear so that you don’t again misconstrue it as a
similar sounding word which starts with HO and indicates sexual excitement’
`I
am neither so dumb nor drunk’
`Sir,
on the point being drunk, I should tell you that during Holi, Indians have a
drink called Bhang and consumption of this preparation does evoke sexual
excitement’
`Oh!
I should try it out today’
`Sir,
I shall make it, but heard that Madeline Basset will be calling upon your
lordship today evening’
`In
that case, make me a drink of Tulasi’
`Very
well, sir’
`Jeeves,
you have not explained what actually is Holi?’
`Sir,
as per Hindu mythology it is the day after a demon brother and sister were
killed. It’s also the end of winter in India’
`But
why Indians look multi-coloured on this day?’
`Sir,
they spray each other with colours to celebrate the colours of spring’
`Why
does the other festival Rakhi rhyme with Holi?’
`Maybe
in syllabi, sir, but not in the execution’
`Meaning?’
`Sir,
on Holi, girls try to run away from boys, and on Rakhi boys try to run away
from the girls’
`Why
would boys run away from girls?’
`Sir,
because if a girl ties the sacred thread to a boy’s wrist, he becomes her brother’
`Jeeves,
keep a note, this time when Rakhi is around the corner, we’ll go on that Royal
Caribbean Cruise you have been suggesting for long. Dash it! I can’t be a
brother to any of those dusky Indian beauties.’
`As
you wish, sir’
In
the background, the song `Rang Barse’ is heard and Bertie asks Jeeves
`Whose
voice is that, Jeeves? It sounds so manly and deep.’
`Sir,
the owner of that voice is Mr Amitabh Bachan, the Bollywood superstar’
`You
mean the one who did the Indian version of the game show, who wants to be a
millionaire?’
`Yes,
sir’
`Jeeves,
I fancy having a beard like him’
`Sir,
it would not look appropriate on you sir, you would look like a goat with a lot
of facial hair’
Bertie
squirming `Jeeeeves, talking of goats, please prepare mutton biryani for the
night’
`Don’t
tell me sir that your friend from Bangalore is going to hang out here again’
`Jeeves,
he is my honoured and valuable guest’
`Sir,
he loses his honour on seeing a mutton biryani and leaves behind only a few
valuable morsels, better this time, I make double the quantity and hid half of
it in your car’
`Happy
Holi, Jeeves’
`Same
to you sir’
