Indiblogger

Saturday, 22 December 2012

A compliation of crass and pathetic 21/12/2012 jokes posted by me


Mayans had predicted end of the world on 21/12/2012. Obviously, it was a prank played by some cave guys on our generation. The amount of jokes it generated should make Mayans proud of their innocent prank. Well, there were a lot of good jokes on the apocalypse theory. Then there were my jokes, absolutely crass and pathetic posted on my Facebook Page Satire Sense . I have compiled them, but I am quite confident that at the end of reading this, you would feel that it would have been better if ,the world had come to  an end.

Will Apple maps work correctly atleast if Mayan Calendar comes true :-P
****

Technical clarification from Mayans


Our calendar ends today destruction begins tommorow, TC :-P :-P
****


A 21 gun salute to the Mayans who sold us the 21st December doomsday theoroy :-P :-P
Top of Form

****

It will end... the rationalists can do nothing about it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I meant 2012 :-P
Top of Form

****

Mayan's lacked finnese, otherwise their calendar would have ended on 20/12/2012 :-P
Top of Form

****

Mayans must have been stody bosses, otherwise why would they end the world on a weekend :-P:-P
****

Mayan's were the first fans of reality shows, otherwise they would never believed in this grand finale end :-P:-P:-P
Top of Form

****

Those who have lots of money have to worry about the world ending, I have a lots of loans, so it might well end :p
Top of Form

****

An optimistic superstitionist,is one who will search for one more calendar, post 21/12/2012, which predicts end of Earth:-P:-P:-P
****
Top of Form

Weekend end

next weekend world end :-P:-P:-P
Top of Form

****

Most likely status update by me on 21/12/2012 at 21:12:12 "Damn, it is better that world ends than driving on moon crater like Bangalore roads" :-P
****

Most unlikely status update by me on 21/12/2012 "caught in a huge wave, it is about to splash me away" :p
Top of Form

****

Guys and Gals, this is the last weekend you will be spending in prosperity, next weekend it is going to be 21/12/2012 :P
****
Top of Form

All those who believe in the Mayan Calendar, please transfer the credit balance in your bank a/c to me on or before 20/12/2012. :-P:-P:-P
****



21st December 2012 is a Friday, so the beginning of the end is going to begin on a weekend :P

****

A dirty reminder 21/12/2012 is less than a month away :P
****

Monday, 10 December 2012

How I got to comb like Shashi Kapoor?


As a young boy my father never let me grow long hairs. My father was quite certain that a youngster who has long hairs would never grow up to be a disciplined and intelligent person. Alas! He did not live long enough to see that I am neither despite having short hairs as an youngster. Thus, haircut was a monthly but disgusting exercise for me. The moment it would reach styling stage, I would be taken to a particular barber the very next Sunday and the undisciplined growth would be done away with.  I used to pray that the offending growth would start on a Monday so that atleast till Saturday I could continue styling my hair. I was in awe of the way Shashi Kapoor combed his hair. Alas! That never happened and maybe one of the first reasons why I got suspicious about the existence of God.
By the by, the saloon was named as`New Royal Hair Dressers’. There was nothing royal about that place, it had a few old wooden benches and an equally disgusting long table on which I was made to sit for a haircut. The barber himself was so old that I used to think he should have given Robert Clive’s army many a haircuts. Such a stooge he was, he would ensure that that the growth of hair was razed to the ground. No wonder! My father used to drag me and my brother to a hair cut only to him. The saloon was very close to the railway track and how many times I had hoped that a train would skip its track and run into the saloon when the barber was inside it.
I was the constant subject of ridicule amongst my classmates for the short hairs I had but none of those taunts passed through MIS (Mother Information Systems) to my father got me any relief. I was resigned to a life from a very young age of not disturbing the comb and now that I am forty plus, with hair disappearing rapidly, very soon the comb will take its final leave from me.

During winter seasons (Bangalore used to be cold at that time during winters), I was forced to wear monkey caps during night time to keep myself warm. (Now don’t ask me, was it called a monkey cap just because people like me wore it?). Wearing the monkey cap meant little strands of hairs used to be standing up in the morning when the cap was removed and flattening them was a next to impossible task. Not flattening them and going to school was never an option because it meant more taunts from my friends. I used to apply coconut oil, water to bring down the  `erection’. Even when the hairs were grown , they never used to sit consistently as it was combed. My obdurate Granny used to remark, this is a sure sign that he will never settle into a family life and here I am a very obedient husband. How wrong these superstitions are!

It was in such a scenario, when I was studying in 7th standard my elder brother purchased an imported Hair Dryer. I had no idea what a hair dryer could do except overheard the fact that it can style hair. It was a Wednesday and my hairs had grown long enough to be razed down the coming Sunday. This was my best chance to go to school  with my favorite “Shashi Kapoor” style. I got up the next day, had a bath, went in front of the mirror, applied a lot of coconut oil and combed my hair in my favorite “Shashi Kapoor” style and asked my brother to put on the dryer, so that hair could set well. The entire household was laughing their guts out. Finally, my elder brother controlled his laughter and told me that a hair dryer can only dry little water on the hair and not oil. I was feeling abashed but my mother comforted me and asked me to skip school, have a head bath and stay at home. When my father came back from office, the incident was narrated, he too laughed it off and realizing the fact that  now I was an adolescent, let me grow my hairs for a longer period of time. The gap between two haircuts was increased to two months. Finally! I could comb my hair like `Shashi Kapoor’.

This blog is a part of the  Perfect Straight Hair by Lakme contest on  http://www.indiblogger.in






Sunday, 2 December 2012

A sarcastic poem on the Bangalore Auto Driver


Bangalore auto driver moves like king of streets
In the middle of the road, abruptly he turns
To find an elusive passenger, blocking traffic he glides
Listening to his favorite music he swirls across the road like pikes

For many it is not about the passenger
It is not about the fare
It is not reaching someone somewhere
It is all about chatting with friends without a care

Request, plead or urge him to come there
With disdain looks like a maharaja of the yore
He will with his eyes suggest what  a sore
And continue with his snore

There are a obliging few
Their fare meters are as honest and resolute as the morning dew
There is no rhyme or rhythm in its upward move
Before you realise you have pledged a fortune.

The facilities he expects from the Goverment are royal
The language he uses is diabolical
Honk your way  is his moral.
When he hits your vehicle, it is normal
When you hit his vehicle, his tribe, surrounds you like a mongrel

Somebody stop this three wheeled malice
Metro, mono or an improved BMTC will suffice 

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

I Me and Myself discuss arranged marriage vs love marriage



I, Me and Myself recently met up to discuss Arranged Marriage vs Love Marriage. Whenever we start our discussions, our consciences join and expose our hypocrisies. They are aptly named as ICON (I’s conscience), MECON (ME’s conscience) and MYSELFCON (MY’s conscience).
I had a love marriage in his immediate family, other than it was an inter sex marriage, there was nothing common about the marriage.
Me supports love marriage. Me was lovelorn throughout his college days, before he could propose to the girl, either she came with a wedding card or found in other guy’s arms.
Myself is against the institution of marriage, he believes either in arranged love or love but no marriage.

 I `can’t digest this, love marriages are becoming a trend in our society’
Me `what is your problem in a boy and girl liking each other and getting married?’
I ` what will happen to our culture?’
Me `you mean the culture of asking a boy and girl to ogle at each other in front of their parents’
MECON `and you don’t mind ogling even in front of god’
Myself `marriage is nothing but a planned disaster in which souls are supposed to come together and a bodily union takes place, after sometime the souls become disheartened and bodies disgusted with each other’
MYSELFCON `if you can understand this at first read, you can explain the origin of God particle’
I ` cut your crap, without the institution of marriage, society will become a jungle and each one of us hunters’
ICON `and you secretly want that to happen’
Myself `Marriage is the perfect example of  how Pavlov’s effect works?’
I `Marriage ensures that you run for only one bell that rings’
ICON `more often than not you run even without the bell ringing’
Me `a love marriage ensures that the bell rings with joy’
I `arranged marriage ensures that the bell rings for life long’
Myself `either case, if you don’t want to hear it, you have to pay for a lifetime’
I `arranged marriage ensures that your relation base becomes bigger’
Me `and life becomes a drive in a velodrome maintaining those relationships’
MECON `and a guy can never pedal for his relations  :p’
Myself `happiness and independence becomes victim of the theory of relativity after marriage’
MYSELFCON `I think the apple that fell on Newton’s head has affected his brain’
I `love marriages end up in divorces’
Me `arranged marriages result in squabbling couples living together due to family pressure’
Myself `why divorce when you don’t have to marry? Happily married couples, can there be a better oxymoron?’
MYSELFCON `can there be a better moron than him?’
I `the way lovers indulge in PDA is barbaric’
Me `flirting with fiancé is the in-thing’
ICON `fiancé is a common noun, any guy under the helmet or any girl under the dupatta is a fiancee’
Myself `man woman relationships are based on material expectations and marriage is only an institution to sustain it for long enough so that one another have no hope except each other’
MYSELFCON `Simply put in a marriage, you have to swipe the credit card for the same person for a boring number of years and the only bonus you get is kids’
ICON `who after a particular age will meet you only on fathers/ mother’s day’
MECON `you guys mean to say true love starts in an old age home’
MYSELFCON `he… he…when your eyes can’t distinguish between a broken teeth and a smiling one’
I `there is nothing like an arranged marriage function, so much of relatives, happiness and feasting’
ICON `he is only concerned about missing out on a feast if there is a love marriage’
Me `a love marriage is full of unadulterated fun with full of friends’
MECON `no matter how many love marriages he attends, no girl will be impressed by him’
Myself `entertaining guests at such huge costs and ruining your finances is the best example for Newton’s second law of motion’
MYSELFCON `even Faraday’s law cannot explain how ideas are generated in his brain or bran :p :p’

As the three leave, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON scream together.
Marriage, Marriage, the longest surviving mirage.
Nowdays it begins as garden of urge, later becomes a ring of umbrage
Having babies is the default result
Rearing them is the life long effect.
Remaining committed is the vow
Doing so in devil’s paradise is the woe.
Like my relatives and unlike yours is a couple’s mantra
Commenting adversely on them is the agenda
Mutual distrust is what they share
Ego massaging is what they care
Marriage, Marriage, the long surviving mirage
Arranged or love, without emotional bondage
It turns an emotional sacrilege  

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Satire Facebook status updates by me on Marriage and Love


A compilation of status updates on Facebook posted by me about marriage and love. This is what you do when you run out blog ideas. Anyhow enjoy it if you have taken the trouble to read this blog.


Friend 1 : There is total consensus in every decision made at my home.
Friend 2: Great, your wife is such a nice lady
Friend1: No, she always makes the decision and I have to always give the consent :p :p :p"

****

If there were no memories, there would be no poems, novels, pshycatrists and
most importantly Mr. Mallya will be in serious financial trouble :p"

****


"Everytime I see a guy getting married, I am happy that there will be one more pleasantly tortured guy on the streets :p"

****
"How to understand a woman?

That book is written in 800 words

The book first asks you what language you know and becomes legible in the language you have no idea about

Eg for a chinese in telugu :-P"

****

"If in a jewellery/garment shop, you find a guy in casuals, staring at nothing,
you can take it for granted that he is married and patiently waiting for his wife
 to make her choice :-P:-P:-P"

***
"What sort of husband a girl hopes for?

An Idol like behaved guy but who is not Idle and earns more than an Ideal income has lot of idle time to
 idolise her attitudes. now tommorrow no Idlis for me If my wife sees this :p"

***

Guys, your wife may not know Karate or Judo but sure she knows how to aim the rolling pin at you :-P:-P:-P"
***


"If your dreams dont motivate you, let your nightmare do that and if both dont, get married.:-P:-P"

***


The guy who said "All good things have to come to an end " obviously had his bachelorhood in mind :-P:-P:-P"
***


"Dont laugh at your wife's choice because one of them is you,
ofcourse you can get angry at her :p"
***

"Home made food is healthy because you can’t have too much of it:-P:-P:-P:-P"
***


"An intelligent husband is one who knows to say "No"
 when his wife says "you like it". : :p

***
 
 
"I don't know how men forget their anniversaries, how can you forget the day when you became a willing victim :p :p :p :p"
 
***
 
Every man should get married, only marriage can get the philosopher or humourist
 out of you :-P:-P:-P"
***
 
"Marriage is the perfect example for how Pavlov's effect works :P"
***

"Boy "I love you more than my life"

Girl "Ok, how much are you insured for?""
***


"love is the biggest blunder one can commit."

***

All woman hate make up, dieting, so how come cosmetic companies, dieticians are growing ? :-P"
 
My facebook profile is https://www.facebook.com/balu.a.m

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Once upon a timeline ..... childhood stories re-written


Times have changed, chatting with friends on Facebook, rather than face-to-face, is the in-thing. It is not far off, when stories will start with “once upon a timeline”. Here, a list of childhood stories re-written for the once upon a timeline generation.

The Thirsty Crow
Once upon a timeline, there lived a crow. One day he was thirsty, he saw a pot full of water in a friend's friend’s profile. However, he could not drink it because the images were protected. So the crow went ahead and liked all the post on the friend's friend’s timeline and later messaged him for water, the friend's friend shared it with the crow.
Moral: If anybody holds your lifeline, like all that is there in their Facebook timeline :p

Hare and Tortoise
Once upon a timeline, a tortoise and rabbit had a race on whose page will have maximum likes one year later. After one year, the tortoise had more likes on his page, because the rabbits mating season lasts nine months.
Moral: If you are busy ******* around, it does not matter whether you are Mallya or a rabbit, you are bound to lose :p.

The Cap Seller and The Monkeys
Once upon a time line, a businessman had a problem of lot of monkey’s posting spam on his page. He could not get rid of them. Then he remembered the trick of the cap seller dropping his hat. He copied the same idea and un-liked his own page, the moneys were smarter, they took over the page and blocked him out.
Moral: Just because someone is monkeying around, it does not mean that they don’t upgrade their knowledge :p



The Shepherd Who Cried Wolf Wolf
Once upon a timeline, there was a guy who had a laptop with dongle. He used to upload a lot of pictures on his Facebook account and annoyingly tag all his friends. One day, after having lunch at a restaurant, he realized that he had lost his wallet. Immediately, he tagged his picture with a request to help him out. All his friends thought it was a usual tag and ignored it. He had to pledge his valuables and pay the bill.
Moral:- Don’t tag anybody without a reason because when you tag with one people will ignore it.

if you want anymore of childhood stories to be re-written with such obnoxious morals, feel free to contact me :p

Happy Navarathri

Friday, 12 October 2012

If the apple that fell on Newton's head...........


What would have happened if the apple that fell on Newton’s head had fallen on the following  heads

Myself – I would have thanked my stars for a free apple.

Arvind Kejriwal – he would have investigated to which politician the orchard belonged to.

Silent Man of India – He would not open his mouth even to eat the apple leave alone comment or think on it or even if he opens his mouth he would say he never noticed it falling on his head.

Anti Left Lady from the East of India – She will say the apple is a leftist which wanted to hurt her intellect.

Chetan Bhagath – He will write a book `a day in the apple orchard’.

Ravi Shastri – it came like a tracer bullet.

Khap Panchayat Leader – they should not allow the apples to ripen.

Apple  – That apple may fall but not this APPLE unless the mango people don’t become jackfruits

Confused Accounting Gentelman of India – This has caused 196 followed by as many no of zeros you want loss to the exchequer

India TV reporter – this is the handiwork of a creature from Mars whom we just saw

Vijay Mallya – this will be the dress code for the models in my next calendar

Arnab Goswami – The nation demands an answer how the apple could fall exactly on my head when I was sitting under it. Don’t go away we will back in a couple of minutes on Newshour.

MS Dhoni – well, you know, the apple, you know, did not know that we carry the weight of a billion people on our shoulders and we cannot carry a bulb on our head

George Bush – This Apple is a part of Saddam’s WMD and we should bomb Iraq once again, somewhere he is hiding

Sreedevi – Apple Gipple falling gilling on gone my hi head shed

IIPM Scholar – think beyond  gravity.

Tamil Nadu leader – The water used for growing this apple could have been given to us.


…………. I have run out of imagination and hence the end.


Saturday, 6 October 2012

I Me and Myself define who the COMMON MAN is


I, Me and Myself met up to discuss the adverse impact of Government’s reform measures on the COMMON MAN at this restaurant which is not common either in terms of menu or the price tag
I believes that even a guy who owns a successful   .com is a common man and entitled to all the benefits a guy in a house big as this is entitled to.
Me believes I.
Myself believes that anybody who daily earns  less  than   X + (X-5)*X/27 - 4% VAT IS A COMMON MAN   where X is the famous figure available in the link in the equation.
As always our consciences ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON accompanied us.
I started by saying `inflation is unbearable and now this increase in price of diesel and limitation of subsidized gas cylinders, we the common man are doomed’
ICON `possibly government wants our savings to have a size zero look’
Me `the running cost of my diesel car will increase. This is anti-common man’
Myself `when did car become a common man’s vehicle?’
I `because he drives it by himself’
ICON `thank god, he did not tell because he drives it without the A/C on’
Me `how to manage our budget with 6 subsidised gas cylinders’
MECON `certainly big worry for a guy who has an Italian kitchen with state of art cooking systems’
ICON `the problem is six subsidised gas cylinders will not be enough even to fuel his delivery vans for a month’’
Myself `if we are a common man, than what do you call the guy who earns Rs.35 a day?’
ICON `man in coma because only he can earn such ridiculously low amounts’
I `let him name himself whatever he wants, we have taken over common man space’
Me `and we are entitled to it, we pay the taxes, the toll charges, what he does do except feed off the Government’
MECON `Wonder who takes the tax deductions, fuel subsidies, subsidised IIT seats, etc’
Myself `why should an individual with a good five figure monthly salary require subsidised gas cylinders?’
ICON`this common man loves only free hits when it comes to subsidies’
I `let them give six subsidised gas cylinders but either double its size or increase its fuel efficiency’
ICON ` here afterwards even the gas delivery boy will not be spared of this question
Me `we end up paying huge sums for the education of our children, over and above this increase in fuel and cooking gas cost’’
MECON` government should come up with a proposal - free fuel and domestic gas to all those parents who send their children to government schools’
ICON ` instead the common man will prefer to eat uncooked food :p’
Myself `common man wants world class infrastructure but not pay for it’
I `money does not grow on the tree even for us’
ICON `as it is we have cut all the trees’
Me `let the government introduce FDI in retail and whatever sector they want, we welcome it’
I `let them abolish the subsidies to poor which is making them lazy’
Myself `so you both don’t mind the small retailer going out of business or the poor dying out of hunger’
I `why should we, after all we will get cheaper products, more jobs and cheaper fuels if such reforms are implemented’
Myself `you can’t see behind your immediate needs, I am quitting this argument, let’s talk something else’
MYSELFCON `you should not only quit this argument but quilt these guys together’

As the three switch topics, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON indulge in singing
Common ,Common, Common Man
He can never think behind his clan
Hates to sacrifice even the pie in his chart
Desire to feed on the system makes him feel smart
Government to him is like the bell in Pavlov’s effect

Common, Common, Common Man
He can never think behind his clan
He doesn’t mind to pay for a luxury
But cribs to pay for a necessity
Government he feels is the almighty
Which should build a strong and efficient country
While subsidizing his kitty to make it a bounty

Common, Common Common Man
He can never think behind his clan
If only he can


Monday, 24 September 2012

Horrorscope for fashionists




This is the horror-scope for fashionists this week

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – Due to the entry of Saturn into Venus, your attempts at wardrobe malfunction will flop very badly.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – The struggle between Saturn and Pluto over entry into Venus will ensure that your ramp shoes turn into skates.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Due to Jupiter’s attraction to Moon, you will find that your body odor sinks your deodrant but you say to the world it is the latest biogas variant from France.

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – Due to water dispute between Moon and Mars, you wearing soiled clothes to parties will become the environment friendly trend of the fortnight.

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – Due to bandh in Mercury, you will be unable to upload on FB the latest leather accessories you have brought.


Virgo (August 23 − September 22) – Due to Uranus ire about diesel price rise, your waist belt will crack on the ramp and vastness of size zero waist will get revealed.


Libra (September 23 − October 22) – Due to presence of Curosity on Mars, all silicon will vanish from Earth and you will find only these models are available

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – Due to friction between Earth and Moon, your vanity bag will malfunction on the ramp and all your unpaid bills will lie scattered for public viewing.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – Fed up with struggle between Saturn and Pluto, Venus flirts with Uranus and as a result of this your planned wardrobe malfunction in the portico goes unnoticed.

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – Due to peace between Saturn and Pluto, your controversial statement about sexual preferences is welcomed by the moral police.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – Due to Venus break up with Uranus, this becomes the show stealer for you on the ramp

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – Due to new found friendship of Saturn and Mars, combined with your waning popularity, you come up with weird idea of walking the ramp on this vehicle (you tube video).

If you don’t think you will experience any of these conditions during the week, you have wasted your precious time reading this blog, shame on you.

About Me

My photo
Banglaore, Karnataka, India