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Wednesday, 4 July 2012

How they spent almost Rs.35 lakhs while renovating a toilet?


                The title is a figment of imagination of its author and does not have any resemblance to any `plan’ned toilet which might have been renovated a cost of Rs.35 lakhs or above.
This is the story of SIM, RIM, AIM, DIM, HIM AND CIM.
                SIM is the most important character in this drama.
                The principal character of this story is RIM viz., Regular Indian Male but at times Rationally Impaired Man (whenever this imparity happened his vision would dim).
 One day he was watching an IPL match when a Gayle six cleared the stadium, the cheerleaders were busy swinging their b**s err poms and RIM decided it was time to clear his fully loaded bladder. By the time he could return strategic break had started and a sanitaryware ad was on with a popular item girl. She was swooning on the western commode and coyly saying `you’d love to sit-on-it without a reason’. RIM’s vision began to dim and he decided to change the WC in his toilet and he called out his wife AIM (Average Indian Mother).
She was watching the ad from the corner of the kitchen and asked “So now you want to change the WC, ok go ahead, there is an offer from Home Down, if you buy the same brand of WC which she is endorsing, you get the image of snoring buffalo free which is good omen if you hang it opposite to the WC”
RIM `How can a snoring buffalo in a toilet ensure a good day?’
AIM `Don’t question, it is as per Uzbekistan Vastu’ saying so she showed the snoring buffalo image on her new smart phone.
RIM and AIM went for a spot verification of the toilet and agreed that the WC had  gone bad and that it had to be changed.
AIM opened her mouth `You remember when we built this house, this was outskirts of the city and to ensure that your two wheeler does not get stolen, you had left space behind the bathroom and used to chain your vehicle in the backyard. Now this has become a part of the city and you no longer use a two wheeler, why don’t we extend the bathroom and go in for a bath tub’. Saying so she gave him a romantic look and RIM vision started dimming. Smacking his tongue he said `yeah, yeah, we should…we should’ and both giggled.
As soon as they came out, they heard a familiar persistent ring on the door. This ring was known to them for the past two decades and it was their best friend HIM (Highly Informed Man, at times, M would stand for a Migraine]. All the same, he always stood by RIM and AIM when they feasted or fasted. 
Both AIM and RIM said `Think of the……..’, HIM interrupted and said `Think of the devil and desire is there’ . AIM `oh! come on We are planning to change our WC and expand our bathroom, what you say’
HIM `and did somebody say India is going through economic down turn. That guy is not worth getting even 35 marks in his economics paper’
RIM `and were buying it from Home Down, they have a special offer of a free Snooring Buffalo from Uzbekistan which if kept opposite the WC ensures you a good day’
HIM a rationalist said `Ya, I agree, the buffalo looks so ferocious that if you see it while sitting on a WC, your stomach would automatically empty itself and you will have a good day. Ha, ha, ha’
AIM gave him a cold stare as she went in the kitchen to make a coffee. HIM after listening to both of them said “If you are going for so much change, you should change the shade of your rest room to a more pastel one and also change the tiles to a more contemporary one which gives a beach look’
RIM `Aree yaar, this budget is going beyond my means, let us drop this idea, I don’t mind that old WC, I am dropping this idea’
AIM `What are you going to do with all that money, by the next time we renovate our bathroom, we will be only in a position to get a sponge bath, come on let’s do it now’
HIM ` remember it will not be a model who will be giving you that bath but an old nurse :p’
RIM `OK, OK, but no more additions’
HIM finishing his cup of coffee said `ok, then tomorrow I will send the mason to your house’
AIM `How would the mason know our house?’
HIM, as he was leaving said `Never mind I will tell him, that house in 5th cross, the guy who struggles to reverse his car, everybody in the locality knows your house, ha, ha’
AIM gave a disgusting look at RIM as she walked into the bedroom, RIM unmindful of it continued watching the cheerleaders err. IPL.
Next day at around 11am, the mason came, his name was CIM  (Cunning Intelligent Mason) and belled at the door and on AIM opening it, opened his mouthful of betelnut, smiled and said `Madam, HIM saar sent me, it seems you want to renovate your bathroom’. AIM let him in and he worked out the estimates and came up with a figure of Rs.3.5 lakhs. He said a lot of design change, new wall construction, some demolition, etc, etc are involved, so this amount was reasonable. After a lot of negotiation, the revised figure stood at Rs.3.33 lakhs.

As they were discussing, the daughter DIM (Daughter Imitating Mother) came back from a college trip. She asked `what is going on?’
RIM `We are planning to renovate our bathroom, have a bath tub, give it a type of beach look’
DIM `Hello, uncle, aunty, at this age, you want beach look in your bathroom, ever thought of your growing daughter. I want my room to be renovated with a triangular window and Barbie tiles on the floor, baby pink shade on the walls, etc., etc., ’
AIM `Come on DIM, baby pink would be available only in clothes not in paints and changing your room window means we have to redesign all the windows, that would mean additional expenditure’
DIM `I don’t mind, you and papa had promised me that if I get 90 plus percent in my 10th standard, you will give me whatever I want, I have got 90 plus 5 percent, now it is your turn to honour your promise’
RIM thought to himself `Is DIM a rebirth of Kaikeyi?’
CIM hearing all the arguments was feeling delighted but maintained a calm face.
DIM was beginning to cry, RIM loved her so much and his vision started dimming………
Finally, the renovation started but it got viral.  First the living room tiles were changed, then the bed room ones, later new shades for the interiors and exteriors, subsequently the frontage of house got tiles, unwittingly a library got built for all three to accommodate their books and finally an Italian modular kitchen were added.
The final budget was Rs.34,99,999/-. At the end of it all, they felt like all required a Bata product on their faces but they did not show it. They were part of the middle class which will spend money it does not have to buy things it does not want to impress people they don’t like and put up a smile which it cannot afford. The only person who laughed his way to the bank was CIM. The banker was already at the bank waiting, wanting and willing to loan voluntary bakras like RIM.
That was the story of SIM, RIM, AIM, DIM, HIM and CIM spending Rs.35 by renovating a toilet.

These stunts are performed by experts and can be attempted by any tom, dick, hary, monty, mani and anybody. All that you need to do is flush your brain down the drain before you embark on such a journey.
Ever wondered who SIM in this story is, it is the author Silly Irritating Meddler.







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Banglaore, Karnataka, India