Saturday, 7 December 2013

N+ 1 important reasons with which parents compel their daughters to get married

Important reasons used by parents to coerce their daughters to get married:-

1.       The boy holds a US green card.
2.       This boy’s house is demanding ½ the dowry which the previous one asked for.
3.       The boy’s mother is dead and he has no sisters, things cannot get better for you.
4.       The boy’s father has a lot of property and he is the only son.
5.       I want to marry off, both you and your younger sister before I retire.
6.       If you wait any further, it will be difficult to find a groom.
7.       This is the right age for girls to get married.
8.       He is your uncle’s son; you are bound to marry him.

Reason 9 to N+1,  We can no longer put up with your tantrums and shopping bills, it is time somebody else took on your responsibility :P :D

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Dummy's guide to staying single (Part II)

Here are the 13 myths you should overcome, if you want to remain single and happy:

  1. Behind every successful man there is a woman
  2. Face is the index of mind.
  3. Marriage shall double my happiness.
  4. She comes from a joint family so she will adjust with my parents and siblings.
  5. The girl will come as beautifully dressed, be mild mannered and obedient as she appeared on the first day I saw her.
  6. My mother likes her
  7. The snacks served to me at her home were all made by her.
  8. As a colleague, she always helped me in finishing my presentations.
  9. The one day she came to my bachelor’s accommodation, she arranged all the mess.
  10. As a girl friend, she laughs and smiles even at my failings.
  11. My day turns out to be fabulous every time I see her in the morning.
  12. With my positive attitude I will prove that the jokes on marriage are just that.
  13. She is employed so she will be realistic in her expectations about her husband.

Dummy's guide to staying single (Part I)

Indian Bachelor's who want to stay happy can follow these to stay happy & be. These are 21 important reasons parents give their son's to get them married. If you can master responses to these you can stay single :-

1.       You are getting old, look at your friends they have school going children.
2.       Get married now, only than your children will be well settled by the time you retire.
3.       Get married so that there is somebody to cook for you when you become old.
4.       I am scared of the girls who are your friends on Facebook.
5.       Grandmother or grandfather is serious and would like to see you married before they die.
6.       I have promised your uncle to bring his daughter to this home as daughter in law.
7.       Your uncle has lot of property, all will be lost if somebody else marries his daughter.
8.       Everybody is asking me why your son is not interested in marriage, is he gay?
9.       I want to see my grandchildren before I die.
10.   That month is the best muhurtam you will get in 20 years.
11.   As per your horoscope, if you don’t get married this year, you can’t get married for the next 10 years.
12.   You require a wife to control your erratic behaviour.
13.   They have agreed to make your sister as their daughter in law if you marry their daughter.
14.   Getting married is the law of nature.
15.   Before you go abroad get married, I want a daughter in law only from our caste.
16.   Hotel food is not good for health.
17.   You are a doctor, she is also a doctor, and you both can start a clinic of your own.
18.   Your great grand uncle went bankrupt because he was unmarried.
19.   I have seen this girl, she suits for our family.
20.   You have a good salary, get married.
21.   I am fed up of taking care of the family, kitchen, etc., I want rest.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Superstitious Subbu

This is the story of Subramaniam aka Subbu, a devout Hindu. His wife is Mrs. Subramaniam.  More than being a Hindu, he is a superstitionist.  If everybody has superstitions in life, his life is built around superstitions. He has a superstition for every conceivable aspect of life. His knowledge of superstitions encompassed all religions and civilizations.
His strong belief in superstitions came from the fact that his father was a rationalist who consistently defied superstitions. A young Subbu had seen his father suffering huge losses in business.  Young Subbu attributed this to him being rational. The truth was his father had made some bad business decisions. His wife was an antidote for his superstition. However, she could not match Subbu’s passion for superstitions.
After a lot of struggle, Subbu had reached a respectable position in life. He was the converse of what his father was except when it came to literature. He loved to read books and also wrote a lot. Other than superstitions, he strongly believed that individuals should be trim. His parameter of fitness was an old book shelf belonging to his father. As a kid he could completely hid behind the book shelf; now in his middle age he wanted it to be visible when he stands in front of it. To achieve this, he worked out regularly. During his academic days, he had excelled in athletics especially in Javelin and Discuss throw. Other than that, Subbu was like any other average Indian male. Though his wife was beautiful, he could not stop ogling at other females. His present favorite was Kajal Shetty, the actress.
Subbu wrote a lot especially propagating the importance of superstitions.  He had his own blog page and one of the humourus short stories he wrote was titled `Fall of a Rationalist’. It was all about how events of a day change a rationalist to a superstitionst. This was his most popular blog till date inviting a lot of ridicule from rationalists. However, this story impressed a publisher who himself was the epitome of superstition. The publisher also wanted to exploit the controversial publicity that the blog had received.
The publisher wanted to meet Subbu and had fixed 11am on Sunday on 9th of the month. The timing and date on which he had fixed added up to 9. Subbu was highly impressed and agreed to land at the perfect timing. The previous night Subbu had planned his movement to the resort. As suggested by his trusted astrological website, he decided to wear an orange color shirt and a blue pant. Before going to sleep, he set his alarm to 07:02:09 hours.
He woke up at the first ring. The first thing he wanted to see was God’s photo, so he closed his eyes and walked towards the pooja room but skid on the plastic cover and instead crashed against the living room window. He opened his eyes to check what had happened and through the window saw Sweety the street dog standing in all her glory and as usual flanked by a couple of male dogs. Subbu, with a red nose and in despair shouted `bloody dog’. His wife who was a dog lover shot back `This is what happens if you try to follow any faith blindly. For your information, Sweety is the heart beat of all the male dogs in this area and she is not like your Kajal Shetty who is propped up by plastic’. He prayed to God and had a cup of coffee. He went to have a bath and by mistake opened only the hot water outlet in the shower and screamed out ‘aaaaaaaaah’ His wife sniped back `this is what will happen if you start dreaming of a date with Kajal Shetty even before your book is accepted for publication’.
One of the lucky colors told on the website was white, so he decided to have idlis with coconut chutney in a white plate and since the table was brown, he covered it with a white cloth. As he stepped out of the house, he sees a cat crossing his path and whines but remembers his father’s words `The cat is confident that despite seeing you it will get its food. Now it is your turn to show the same courage’. Hesitantly, Subbu stepped forward and took out his car. Since he had enough of mishaps already, he decided that he would not see his inauspicious faced relative, Mr. Mani. So he drove in the opposite direction though it meant an additional 5 kilometers to touch the ring road.
The series of inauspicious omens had put off Subbu but he remembered that this particular publisher never meet a budding writer unless he wants to publish him. He decided to drive towards the target no matter what bad omen came across and entered the ring road.
This ring road was out of the world. A major portion of one side of the road was under control of the army. Their campus had a lot of trees, a picturesque golf course and an enchanting lake. On the other side was a reserve forest which the land sharks were yet to lay their hands upon. It was a sort of road on which you switch of the car a/c; get down the window panes, put on the music and drive soaking in the atmosphere around you.
The road led to the famous `Green Hills’ and NH 756. Subbu was to meet this publisher at a resort just off the road after `Green Hills’. It was just about 10:00 am and only a distance of 10 kilometers had to be covered, so Subbu was taking it easy and gliding along when all of a sudden one after another two SUVs went past him from the right side dangerously close to his vehicle. He turned his steering wheel sharply towards the left in an attempt to avoid hitting the second SUV, lost his balance and hit kerb of the road damaging his vehicle. His attempts to call a tow away vehicle proved futile as mobile signals were not available.
It was already 10:15 and Subbu was getting desperate. Vehicles were fizzing past him but none stopped. Like a ray of hope, a school bus came trundling along. It was an unusual school bus on a trip because the windows were shut from inside and the students did not make any noise. On top of it was a shabbily fixed DTH antenna. Before he could wave his hand, the vehicle stopped a few yards before from him and a bearded, short and lame guy came towards him. He asked Subbu direction to `Green Hills’. A brilliant idea stuck Subbu, he said `I will show you the way, only if you agree to take me along’. The guy went back to the bus spoke to another guy in a strange language and beckoned to Subbu to get in. Subbu happily locked his car and ran towards the bus. At a fair distance was a tv channel SUV stationed.

As soon as he got in, the doors were shut with a thud. The children and three beautiful teachers were looking like frozen food. Subbu had a look at the rear side of the bus where he saw two guys, hands and legs tied. He turned to the guy who let him in and asked `what is this all about?’. The guy laughed menacingly and said `We are Always Fayada terrorists, we have hijacked the bus and now you too are our hostage’ Subbu grinning nervously looked at the TV and breaking news  on `End TV’ channel was `School Bus hijacked bus, heading towards Green Hills’. `END TV’ even showed live visuals of the probable spot where the bus would head to. The spot was carefully chosen with a difficult to motor road and a suicide point behind it. Subbu then remembered it was this channel’s vehicles that had overtaken him hurriedly and caused the accident. What baffled him was how a channel could guess where a terrorist vehicle was headed to.
There were three terrorists and all three had an AK 56 in their possession. The first was at the door with an AK56 in one hand and TV remote in the other (As of now he was only using the hand with TV remote in it). The second one was busy rendering prayers (Subbu wondered why he was saying his prayers when his hostages had to be doing it). The third was looking at the beautiful teachers through the rear mirror or turning his head and looking at them and in midst of all this, he was driving the vehicle. These guys were thrilled at the coverage their cowardice act was getting. They were jumping with joy every time their photos were flashed on various TV Channels. To Subbu, they looked like characters from a poorly made reality show in the neighbouring country rather than menacing terrorists.

Then something bizzard happened, the channel `News Now and Then’ played a video of Subbu running and getting into the bus. They termed him also to be a part of terrorist gang. Next, `Husband & Wife News’ had traced his house and playing it out. The worst came on `Timed Out’ news channel, when its theatric chief news anchor, thrust a mike in front of Subbu’s wife and asked her `The nation wants to know, why your husband, grandson of a freedom fighter, would do such a heinous and humongous act of joining the ALWAYS FAYADA terrorists.’ Even before she could reply, the host shouted her down by saying `Mrs. Subbu, you can say 1000 things but the truth is, when it comes to terrorism, your husband is a terrorist unless and until he is proved innocent, which according to our sources is unlikely’. Mrs. Subbu was left wondering why all men were not like her husband who always allowed her to have the first and last say. The `Headless Everday’ news anchor got on Subbu’s mobile and gave him a mouthful.

The coverage Subbu got did not please the terrorists. The first one threatened to kill Subbu but the second one desisted him on the grounds that they had not yet reached their planned destination and susceptible to attack by Commandos if Subbu was killed.

No sooner did the bus reach its destination, a swarm of TV cameras with correspondents propped up from nowhere but there was no sight of the police. The terrorists made the children kneel down at one end; the three teachers on a raised platform and Subbu with his back towards the suicide point. They were very rough with Subbu beating him with the butt of their guns. These pictures were telecast live and finally, the nation came to know that Subbu was not a terrorist but an innocent guy who unwittingly got onto the bus. Mrs. Subbu was crying at the way her husband was being treated. She told to her neighbours, who by now had become sympathetic to Subbu, `even I don’t beat him so badly’
The terrorists beckoned  one of the correspondents and announced that `We want three of our associates jailed in India to be released, a billion dollars in cash and an aircraft to fly to our land’ The third butted in and said `I want to take these three teachers along with me’. The other two terrorists shouted him down by saying it was not part of their religion to steal woman who used artificial aids to look beautiful. Subbu wanted to ask them if it was permissible in their religion to kidnap a woman who did not use artificial aids to look beautiful. However, taking into account his own welfare he kept quiet.
The Government was in no hurry to take an immediate decision and still deliberating how to negotiate with the terrorists. Meanwhile, the cops with the Commandos arrived. Subbu’s appointment time was gone. The publisher who had seen Subbu’s fate, called him on his mobile and said `All the best, don’t worry if you become a martyr, the book will become the best seller India has ever seen’.
Meanwhile, it was getting to evening. The children were getting restless. The third terrorist was getting over flirty with the three teachers.  The Government which was under attack from its rival party for being soft with terrorists decided not to agree to any of their demands. The TV channels announced it to the terrorists. The three terrorists got into a huddle. First they thought of killing Subbu, but later decided against it because he would end up getting more publicity than them. The first one suggested killing a kid but the second terrorist who was always praying ruled that god would punish them when they appear before him for justice. The third broke out and announced that he is going to rape one of the teachers in front of the TV cameras to teach the Government a lesson. He dragged a teacher to middle of the raised platform and started molesting her.  The patriot in Subbu was awoken and he took a log nearby, aimed the back of terrorist’s skull and threw it with all his might. The log landed bang on target and the terrorist collapsed instantly. The second one enraged by this, instead of shooting down Subbu, started chasing him with the log in his hand. Subbu ran towards the drop point and realised that the ground was very slippery. At the right time, he changed tracks. The terrorist madly ran in the original direction of Subbu’s path, skid and fell down the valley. The first was overpowered by the school kids. Soon everybody was liberated and Subbu became an instant hero. Timed Out channel played its headlines `Unlikely entry, Timely Bravery’.
On being questioned by the TV channels, Subbu related his story how he had a lot of bad omens on that day and still he met with success. He confessed before TV that he would never believe in superstitions. As a result, the original publisher backed out because he could never support rationalism. However, film maker Damu announced his plans to make a movie on this incident. To be realistic, he would cast Subbu as the hero; Kajal Shetty, being the latest romantic interest of Damu, would play Subbu’s wife and the three teachers would play their roles. Subbu was so happy that he was laughing till his wife shook him violently. He woke up to see his wife standing with a cup of coffee in her hand. The dream had ended.

The alarm rang 7:02:09. Subsequently, the sequence of bad omens happened in the same order as in the dream. Subbu did not mind taking on terrorist in real life, given how the dream ended. He was driving down the ring road and in the far horizon could see two SUVs hurtling down the road at monstrous speeds. He was still a superstitionst but one who saw something good will happen at the end of all the bad omens.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Bakrapur to UB City - The Legend of Urban Baba - Chapter 3

previous chapter


Chapter 3The Slaying of AnAsura

When AnAsura heard about Sage Viparyasa’s vow, he laughed it off by saying `what sort of sage he is if continuance of his penance depends on a suraksha chakra? Let him execute his vow, I care a damn about it. I know my death is destined to be caused by the trick of the Devas but before that happens I will scare the shit out of them’.
Soon, a severe battle raged between the Devas and Asuras. This battle was fought in the now Bakrapur which always was a favorite hunting ground for the Asuras. It was a do or die battle for both and the Devas were loosing it badly. AnAsura was a brilliant strategist and he was in his elements during the battle. When at a particular point during the battle Devas were gaining the upper hand, AnAsura ordered his army to scatter and run towards summit of the mountain peak. Though initially puzzled, Devas thought that the Asuras were running for their life and went on a hot pursuit.

The Asura army ran with all its might and reached top of the peak, which was full of big boulders. AnAsura asked his men to push the boulders down with all their might towards the Devas. This gruesome tactic pulverized the Devas army and they had to run hither and thither.  AnAsura taking advantage of the fear that had crept in the enemy’s mind ordered his army to attack from all the four sides. The Devas suffered huge losses and had to beat a hasty retreat when the sun set. The next day the Devas army fought fiercely to keep the Asura army at bay.

While on war campaigns, AnAsura was an egalitarian, he slept and ate with his army. That day after the battle, he had dinner with his Army. It was that day of the week when AnAsura refrained from liquor and his army grudgingly though followed suit. Instead of liquor, at end of the dinner kher used to be served. Asuras were sensing victory and this reflected in the grandness of the dinner. There was a lot of good food; beef; goat and every other creature whose flesh could be eaten. There were a lot of women from, now Bakrapur to satisfy carnal pleasures of the Asura army. They were getting ready for the night ahead.

Dinner was served, it was time for the kher and as it was the norm, AnAsura never consumed a sweet dish before one of his soldiers did so and survived the mandatory time limit for a poison to take effect. The same was ensured on that day also before he and his army had kher. AnAsura was mightily pleased with the taste of kher.  Intentionally during battles, the worst cook was assigned with the task of preparing a sweet dish. AnAsura could not believe that his worst cook had conjured such a heavenly kher. AnAsura got a whiff of suspicion but he dismissed this thought because a solider had already tasted the kher and was still alive. He had one more serving of the Kher but was not satisfied and ordered for one more serving, as he lustily eyed the young girl he had chosen for the night. She looked like a doll that had been given life. AnAsura wondered how beautiful her mother, sisters and aunts would be. He decided that next day he would send a few soldiers and capture all the womenfolk of her family who were in the productive age and enjoy them one by one. As he raised the third bowl of offering to drink it, a strange fragrance spread in the air and a chilling stillness came into the life around him. Ignoring the signs, AnAsura happily thrust the third bowl of kher into his mouth and slowly began to drink it. He tried to lower the bowl from his mouth to catch some breath but it would not budge. It was impossible that a mere earthen bowl could become a burden for the mighty arms of AnAsura.  He let go off the bowl but it would not fall down as it was stuck deep into his mouth. The flow of kher was not stopping and as AnAsura saw from the corner of his eyes; his entire army was having the same problem. What began as a trickle soon became a gushing fountain with every drop getting directed into his mouth. AnAsura realized that he had been duped by the Devas. He was on the verge of collapsing whilst his men had already collapsed. As he was getting inundated with kher, he remembered the time when he meditated to Lord Shiva for immortality. He remembered the boon, the limitation and how all his plans to counter that had now came to a naught.
AnAsura was a great devotee of Lord Shiva. At a very early stage in his life, he realized that Devas were superior to Asuras when it came to deceit.  He decided that attaining immortality would be the only way to win Devas. Lord Shiva was the only god who was favourably disposed towards Asuras and AnAsura decided to seek the boon from him. He embarked upon a rigorous penance to please Lord Shiva.

The Devas did all that was possible to distract AnAsura from his penance. They used strong winds; heavy rains; raging fires; dangerous wild animals; poisonous reptiles; beautiful girls and even an offer of peaceful co-existence if he gave up his penance but nothing budged AnAsura from his penance. Lord Shiva knew what AnAsura would ask, hence, did not appear before him for many years but beyond a point he could not resist giving dharshan. He decided to test AnAsura’s much famed bravery before granting him a boon. Lord Shiva appeared before AnAsura, blessed him and said ` get up AnAsura, what is that you want from me to carry out your evil designs?’

AnAsura was not pleased with the words of Lord Shiva, yet he woke up with all the diligence and replied `God, you know what I want to ask, yet you want me to say that I want the boon of immorality’
`That is not possible, a boon of immortality to an Asura will result in destruction of the three worlds, ask something else’
`I have the army, strength and the riches; I don’t want any of them. I only want the boon of immortality’
` You cannot become immortal, you are born to die at the hands of a Deva, ask for something else’
`You may decide not to grant me the boon of immortality or even kill me at this very moment. If you go away without granting me the boon, I will reduce myself to ashes. The burden of my death will fall on your head. Either you give the boon or fight and kill me’

Shiva’s eyes became red and he stomped his Trishul. The entire surrondings began to shake; birds which had returned to their nests began to fly panic stricken; animals ran crazily; the reptiles went deeper into their holes and fruits began to vaporize but AnAsura stood still staring Lord Shiva eye to eye. The battle of the stares continued for a while and finally Shiva calmed down. He said `Dear child AnAsura, I was testing your bravery and you proved it. I am happy but I cannot give you the boon of immortality. However, I will give you a boon that you will die only during a battle but your death will not happen because of a weapon nor any living form but due to a sweet dish’

AnAsura too knew deep in his mind that it would be next to impossible to get the boon of immortality and this was the best he could get. Before he could agree, he wanted to weaken the possibilities of his death and said `Thank you, oh! Lord Shiva, thank you. I will accept your boon but with two conditions’

`Tell me, what are those conditions, I will grant them without any further ado’
`First, it is only after the third consecutive consumption of a sweet dish that I should die. When I die my soldiers will become orphans and will be tortured by the Devas. Hence, my army should die with me’
Lord Shiva impressed with him, said `so be it’ and disappeared.
AnAsura came back to his kingdom and started his conquest immediately. The Devas knew about the boon that Lord Shiva gave AnAsura and its limitation. They tried to kill AnAsura by poisoning his sweet dish but it did not go beyond the mandatory tasting by a random soldier. To add to their woes was the fact that the worst cook of AnAsura was assigned to cook sweet dishes.  His cooking was so bad that nobody could complete the first serving, leave alone going in for a third serving. Further, Devas could never plant a mole in the camp of AnAsura because the integrity of his men was impregnable.

The flow of kher had become a deluge and AnAsura was nearing his end. He could not even cry at his fate. The kher was overflowing from his body, first it poured out of his nose, then ears and finally through the eyes. The flow of kher kept on increasing and did not stop till his body split into four. AnAsura was killed by the Devas as was his army. The architect of this victory was Viparyasa.

The plan to eliminate AnAsura was hatched by Sage Viparyasa on previous evening of the infamous whacking that Devas got at the hands of AnAsura. Sage Viparyasa put forward his proposal that consisted of two stages to eliminate AnAsura. The first stage was invisible Deva cooks along with Sage Viparyasa would be present on the destined evening at the Asuras’ kitchen. They would add heavenly flavours and make the entire food delicious and intoxicating.  Considering the fact that, the particular Asura cook made very bad kher, it was decided that no purpose will be served by any value addition to it. Instead, the Devas cooks would replace the Asura sweet dish with a similar one made by them. Since, the dish did not contain any poison; it would pass `The Random Soldier Test’.  After the Asuras had the second successive serving, Sage Viparyasa would say a mantra and convert the kher bowls into Akshaya Patras. Next, he will release the `Lepa Astra’ into the air which will ensure that the bowls will get glued to the mouth of Asuras and subsequent deluge of Kher would choke them to death. The plan was dismissed since it was inhuman and impractical, especially Sage Viparyasa and the Deva cooks reaching the Asura kitchen in an invisible mode and  replacing the sweet dish made by Asuras with theirs. However, Sage Viparyasa decided to stay put keeping in mind the weak position in which the Devas were in.

After the whacking, elimination of AnAsura by the Devas became inevitable and it seemed that the only viable option to eliminate AnAsura was the plan offered by Sage Viparyasa. That night the plan was discussed intensely by Devas at a secret location.

One of the Devas said `do we have a better alternative than what Sage Viparyasa has proposed?’
Another replied `does that mean we should become heinous?’
The third one butted in by saying `rather than lose our humanity, we lose our head fighting’
The first one got back into the argument in a sharp and vitriolic way `Yes, we will only lose our heads fighting and tales of our powers, goodness, powers and morality will vanish. The Apsaras will become Asuras girlfriends and secrets of the Amrith will become known to them. Thanks to Lord Shiva, we cannot kill AnAsura on the battlefield and the only option available is to take chance with Sage Viparyasa’s plan’
The fourth supported him by saying ` we have a lot of precedence which suggest that if the interest of Devas (must be read as interest of humanity) is to be served, there is no harm in using foul means to kill an Asura’.

There was consensus about killing AnAsura through this method. The chosen time was the next day’s dinner because on that day of the week AnAsura refrained from having liquor and had a sweet dish at end of the dinner. All that was left now was, the question how to replace the sweet dish made by the Asura cook with the one made by the Devas? A few unimportant Apasaras did the job and the rest as they say is history.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Bakrapur to UB City - The legend of Urban Baba - Chapter 2

Chapter 2
The Times of Sage Viparyasa.

Sage Viparyasa was a genius among saints. His knowledge of the scriptures was unparalleled among contemporaries.  He had a lot of divine powers except that of creating other forms of life. When it came to creating a human life, he was eager and very competent at that. He could never resist the temptation of an attractive woman’s body. He was considered a vagabond amongst sages because of this weakness. Quite a few of his penances were broken with the help of sensuous women cavorting in his presence. He went to the extent of bedding women devotees who came to seek his blessings. However, none of the affected woman complained because they felt that being seduced by him was a blessing.  It actually proved to be a curse for many of them because they were disowned when their families came to know of it. These families were not broad minded like a mythical dynasty that was ready to accept several kids born through blessed acts of gods and sages but normal families with all their honour and ego intact.

The Devas did not take serious notice of the misdemeanours of Sage Viparyasa since he did not swipe into any of their girls. They did use girls to break the penances of Sage Viparyasa, but those were other girls not their girls. Though the sages cribbed about his sexual excesses, they too did not act on it because he never ventured into their territory, means never touched their girls.

Other than being prone to the pleasure of flesh, Sage Viparyasa had a strange habit of picking enemies for no fault of theirs. How `AnAsura’ became the sworn enemy of the sage is not only crucial to the storyline but also throws light into the mindset of the sage in picking enemies without rhyme or reason. Sage Viparyasa was susceptible in his foot and it was destined that he would die as a result of a bite in his feet by a snake couple. The sage knew it was inevitable but still embarked on a penance to overcome the susceptibility. The penance lasted for years and had reached its culmination stage. Sage Viparyasa had encircled himself in a Suraksha Chakra. The Suraksha Chakra was so powerful that anybody who sat amidst it would be insulated from all sound, sight and destruction around him. Floods, earthquakes, fires, ferocious winds, volcanos, reptiles, etc could not breach it. However, it was not immune to the hooting of horses, for four hours after sunrise on the next day of Amavasya. Once breached the Suraksha Chakra would vanish in the next 3 days.

The Devas were a worried lot because Sage Viparyasa would become immortal and added to that, what if he joined the Asuras?   The second proposition was likely given Viparyasa liking for women and frightening the Devas.The Sage’s penance had to be broken and the only weapon they conculded would be through an attractive girl. The Devas this time around did not send one of their girls but created a perfect prototype to breach the penance of Sage Viparyasa. She was tall enough to make any man desperate to stand on her toes; face which all the apsaras would envy; hairs thick, dark and long enough to cover her arse; skin fairer than a dove; eyes which could put a deer to shame; bosoms which would provoke the libido of even half a man; hips as attractive as a red apple and legs as shapely the tusks of an elephant. She was named `Swarg Sundari’.

As planned, Swarg Sundari appeared before Sage Viparyasa on an Amavasya day. The Devas hid the stars to ensure that her beauty glowed in the night. She descended to chiming by heavenly musicians. The music was so pleasant that even the sleeping cuckoos woke up.  On descending, Swarg Sundari walked with a sway that put the waves to shame. Her body had the fragrance of a thousand attractive flowers and the bees started buzzing around her. The Devas had to come and physically chase them off. She called out Sage Viparyasa’s name but it had no effect. She tried displaying her body but the sage who was in the Suraksha Chakra was unmoved.  Swarg Sundari had no other option but to begin her erotic dance. She danced so erotically that the entire jungle started mating but Sage Viparyasa was not aroused. The Devas on their part created all elements to entice the sage but were of no avail. They had hoped against hope that Sage Viparyasa would get distracted despite the Suraksha Chakra, but their plan was as successful as attempts of the morning dew to survive the rising sun. Things got worse when Swarg Sundari got aroused by the sage. She could not resist the tall and masculine looks of Sage Viparyasa. She wanted to disturb his chest hairs with her kisses. She yearned for his arms all over her body. When lust takes over any soul, intelligence and logic become mere guides to attain the desired. Though she was warned, Swapna Sundari’s lust had overtaken her and she with all her eroticism moved forward to embrace Sage Viparyasa who was in the Suraksha Chakra.  If anybody tried to breach it, they would get reduced to ashes and so did Swarg Sundari. 

The foolishness of Swarg Sundari had put the Devas in a quandary. If Sage Viparyasa’s penance continued for another 3 days uninterrupted, he would attain immortality. They urgently assembled and discussed on the issue. There could notice no chink in Sage Viparyasa’s armour other than his weakness for attractive women. It was yet again decided to attack Sage Viparyasa with a woman but this time with a more intelligent one.

The Devas knew about the amavasya chink in the Suraksha Chakra. As the good luck of Devas would have it, on the day when Swarg Sundari V2 was supposed to disturb the sage, it was the next day after Amavasya and `AnAsura’ was passing through the jungle with his army. The Devas with aid of forces of nature diverted his army in the range of Suraksha Chakra in which Sage Viparyasa was doing his penance. Armies being what they are can never move without making noise. There was the usual beating of drums; hooting of the horses; orders of the generals; noisy soldiers; etc. The hooting of the horses dented the Suraksha Chakra. Sage Viparyasa knew that the Suraksha Chakra would last only for 3 more days and he may have to complete his penance without it. He was furious at `AnAsura’ for breaching his Suraksha Chakra.

 It was in these circumstances, Swarg Sundari V2 landed near the river bank where the sage was doing his penance. She had the voice of a temptress. She took bath in the river and with wet clothes exposing most of her body; she meditated at a safe distance from Sage Viparyasa. She had the voice of a temptress and her chanting of hymns was arousing all the sensory organs of Sage Viparyasa. He could see through the Suraksha Chakra, a beautiful looking girl, drenched to the core revealing her bare body, sitting and chanting hymns. She was looking so tempting that Sage Viparyasa forgot his penance and wanted to impregnate her with his seeds of love. He got out of the Suraksha Chakra and proceeded to attain her. His penance was broken and the mission of Devas was finally successful. They were angry with the sage for having burnt down Swarg Sundari V1 and extracted revenge by burning down Swarg Sundari V2 as he was about to pounce on her. The Devas did a heavenly hifi amongst themselves after seeing `snatched at the last minute’ expression on his face. Sage Viparyasa’s second weakness of picking enemies without reason came to the fore. He blamed AnAsura for weakening his Suraksha Chakra, unmindful of the treachery of Devas. He vowed to destroy AnAsura with his powers. 

Monday, 15 July 2013

I Will Be Back

Once, the mention of my name brought a lot of despair in most households, especially if heard during late nights and early mornings. However, the mood turned joyous if I was asked to convey a birth in the household. By now you would have guessed, Yes, I am the telegram and have made my exit today. I have become outdated thanks to email, SMS, Whatsapp and god knows what and all. Earlier I did wade of a stiff challenge from the Page but now I have lost the war.  Nobody uses me any longer and I am being terminated because I have become uneconomical to maintain. My glorious journey of 160 plus years has come to an end.

How times change? Until the start of this millennium, I had a special place of pride. Every Government office and reputed company had a grams id. I was the fastest means of communication available in the good old days, when even a landline connection at home, was a rarity. I was used to communicate deaths, births, arrival, departure, job interviews, etc. Government offices also used me to communicate unauthorized absence to their erring employees. I was even admitted as a proof in the court of law. Those were the days, when a special wire connection called the telegram cable used to run across length and breadth of the country. Unlike the cheap SMSes or the free for all messenger services of these days, I was pricey. Each time somebody used my service, they had to pay. I had a minimum charge for a certain number of words and beyond that each word was charged. Many a prospective secretaries’ English knowledge was tested by asking them to frame a telegram with the use of least words but conveying the entire message.

I was an honest servant. I never conveyed anything other than what was written. I am of course not responsible for typos like when somebody wrote `Seth Ajmer gaya’ and the Tamilian clerk typed it as `Seth Aaj Mar gaya’

I am proof of national integration in this country. Sample this, once David sent a telegram to his Brother in Law Abdul, that Saraswati, his wife, gave birth to a baby boy.

Thank you!!! Mr. Morse and Au revoir citizens! I am going but remember the words of the Terminator “I will be back”. If life is a wheel, I will be back and who knows you maybe desperate to have me back

Friday, 12 July 2013

Bakrapur to UB City - The legend of Urban Baba

Chapter 1

Welcome to Bakrapur

Welcome to Bakrapur. The residents abhor it being called so.  It was previously called Barakapur, which meant a blessed place, but thanks to an insensitive English surveyor it became Bakrapur. In mythology, it was called Asuradhama later named as Barakapur by invaders from Arab.   These days most urbanites call it the Urban Baba’s City (UB City). The rationalists jeer by saying `it is more sensible to have an UB product, than to believe in Urban Baba’. Bakrapur is located on the seaside and is connected by NH 333. A few years back it was a god forsaken place but a beautiful one, surrounded by hills; lots of greenery and seashore making it a peninsula. Unpolluted air; a clear water lake; loud chirping of the birds; spectacular visions of sunrise and sunset were once part of Bakrapur. Now, it is a concrete jungle with most of its natural beauty torn apart.

In the folklore of Bakrapur, the place and hills were cursed. The hills are called `Asura Parvath’. The Asura King `AnAsura’ won many wars against the Devas. He usually camped on these mountains. As always, in the end, the Devas vanquished him.  One of the gods cursed the hills as well as Bakrapur with famine and obscurity.  On pleading, he blessed the village with greenery and water.  However, he said that the curse of obscurity will go only when the hills are brought down. The hills were in no hurry to disappear and to save themselves, gave shelter to a lot of wild animals; poisonous reptiles and even evil spirits of the Asuras. To save villagers from dangers of the hills, Sage Viparasya created a lake with mystic powers, as a barrier.  The villagers never crossed the lake and they believed that occupants of the hills could never get into the village because of its mystic powers.  As always with beliefs, don’t question the fact that the village is infested with snakes and various other reptiles. To add mystery to the myth, it was rumoured that a few British Botanists did cross the lake but never returned.

Bakrapur is a sort of place where but for the sun; day and night meant the same. If anybody died in his sleep, people would not come to know of it until the corpse started stinking. The major occupation was farming. Very few middlemen brought anything from there, thanks to it being cursed by the gods. Most of the food produced was consumed by the villagers themselves. A few enterprising locals sold the produce on the highway, to unsuspecting travelers.

Bakrapur had its customary temple, blacksmith, carpenter and a goldsmith too!!! There was a village of fishermen near the seashore, who were perceived descendants of the Asuras and they made good money. Obviously, nobody had problem devouring delicacies fished out by the descendants of Asuras. To complicate matters, a few of them had converted to other religions. Hence, they were outcasts and never figured in maters of Bakrapur. Bakrapurians were always thirsting for the fishermen’s blood. The place was cursed with obscurity but its citizens were neither immune to the national craze for gold nor society’s obsession with caste and religion.
In pre UB days, an evening in Bakrapur was an arithmetician’s delight because he could count every nano-second of it. The children, heaped mud, built make believe mountains and later demolished them. The elders engaged themselves in listless stories about the legend of Bakrapur. The women gossiped endlessly about the joy and gaiety in other villages. Once the village slept, it resembled an uninhabited planet.

Thanks to the powers of Urban Baba, The `Asura Pravath’ of today is all but gone. What once looked like a buxom South Indian heroine, today, resembles a size zero model in Paris.  There are few animals and reptiles left in the hills. The evil spirits of the Asuras have been replaced with the mining mafia. The lake is full of slush and rock. Bakrapur now is a buzzing mining city. The residents were happy that the curse of obscurity on their place was finally negated. They were happier about the fact that they made double the money by selling their lands, than all their forefathers put together had made by toiling on them. Urban Baba in the eyes of Bakrapurians is a notch above god.

Mining means money, it also means hogging the core of nature.  Mining increased bank balances of the residents but reduced size of the hills. Mangroves along the seashore were replaced with beach resorts and consequently increased spread of the nearby sea. Even a strong tidal wave meant flooding in the fishermen villages. However, they being perceived descendents of the Asuras had to live with it. When mining mafia wanted to besiege Bakrapur, the first thing UB did was to fuel the hatred Bakrapurians had for the fishermen and incite communal riots. Massive clashes broke out and the fishermen were massacred like wild elephants would trample a banana plantation. Men were slaughtered ruthlessly; women raped brutally and children orphaned. The dissenting voices were effectively silenced and the remaining minority, for fear of their lives and honour, heaped praises on UB. UB and his supporters showcased with a lot of pride praise given by the pulverized fisherman community.

You have heard about many Babas’ but Urban Baba (UB) is unique. For someone who came to Bakrapur in an onion lorry, having a fleet of red Ferrari’s parked outside his Enlightenment Terminal (Ashram in normal words) was a huge achievement. UB was not just about the Ferrari cars parked outside his Enlightenment Terminal (ET). He did not perform any of those routine miracles babas’ did yet the blind faith people had in Urban Baba (UB) justified the English surveyor’s foresight in naming the place as Bakrapur. He could entice the gullible; enable the well connected and embalm err even out his rivals. Numerous videos of him taking bribes on behalf of politicians; plotting murders; fixing cricket matches and in compromising positions with females were played on prominent television channels. He was even arrested a couple of times but these slurs only increased the profile of politicians, businessmen and most importantly celebrity females coming into his fold.

What did he do to get to this position? Was he a business man? Yes, he did business of faith. Exploiting others? Yes, exploiting their lack of self confidence. Misleading people? Yes, misleading those who cannot lead themselves. In this country, even the most educated will believe that human shit, if properly used, can generate 1, 00,000 MWs of power every year. All that you require is pungent oratory skills; an aggressive body language; a few boot licking industrialists to finance your campaign and a media which thrives on sponsored news. UB had all these requirements in abundance. He could get away with killing hundreds of fishermen who protested taking over of their land for crony industrialists on the grounds of religion. Any attempts to question such acts were countered ferociously, both online and offline by his bakths across the globe. He would pay a flying visit to a flood ravaged or famine ridden area and his bakths would go hyper, both online and offline, with absurd claims of UB’s benevolence. UB on his part would neither deny nor accept the claims.

This is Bakrapur Today, where what matters hardly meets the eye and even moonlight has a very loud presence. 

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Banglaore, Karnataka, India