Hows news channels would have reported history - A Satire - Part II

News channels have mushroomed over the years. Very few provide news and most of them dish out biased views. Journalists who are twenty something armed with a degree in mass communication presume themselves to be next to the almighty in knowledge. The tendency to jump the gun has become a norm of the day. Discrediting a person, event or idea for them is like turning over the palm. Here I have made an attempt on how these channels would have reported certain well known events in history:

Headline
Eccentric Mathematician runs naked down the streets of Syraccus
Newscaster : Hold on, we have breaking news of a man running naked down the streets of syraccues, we will join our reporter who is at the spot.

Reporter: Yeah, there is a man running naked down the streets of Syraccus shouting expletives which are not very audible. Our sources say that this person is a mathematician who was given an assignment by the king but was unable to complete. Obviously, he has lost his head fearing the consequences of not completing his work. To throw light on the subject we have a psychologist………

Event
Archimedes runs down the streets of Syraccus shouting "Eureka, Eureka" after discovering the Archimedes principle.







Headline
Prince unable to handle pressure abandons family and kingdom

Newscaster : We have a breaking news of the princes missing from his Palace since last night. Let us join our reporter for the latest.
Reporter: Yes that is true. The prince is missing from yesterday. From our sources we understand that recently he had been on a tour of his kingdom and seen the effects of his misrule. As you know this kingdom has widespread poverty and this prince was not having any idea how to go about solving this problem. Our sources say that he has escaped from the kingdom unable to take the building pressure on him.

Event
Prince Siddhartha renounces worldly pleasures, his kingdom, later attains nirvana and becomes Gautam Buddha.

Headline
Tax Payers money goes down the drain, criminal negligence leads to discovery of a God forsaken land.

Newscaster: In another instance of gross negligence by a Government servant, carelessness and lack of knowledge has ensured loss of crores of tax payers money and discovery of a god forsaken land which will not be of any use to the country. We will join our reporter who is at the Government headquarters and has more details.

Reporter: Yeah, this is a serious case of negligence. Lack of planning and non involvement of experts has resulted in this huge land. This senior government officer was sent to discover the land of opportunities but due to his negligence have landed up at a god forsaken place which will be of no use to anybody for the next 1000 years also. The Government has to streamline the working of its employees on whom it has no control over. It may be noted that it was only recently a hefty pay hike was announced for the Government servants. blah…. blah….blah….blah.

Event
Christopher Columbus sets out to discover India but lands up in America.

Headline
Killer King turns Saint.

Newscaster: In a bizarre turn of events, a king who was responsible for killing of thousands of soldiers turns saint, let us join our reporter who has been at the spot ever since the battle began. Is it possible that the king is putting on a sorry figure to escape war crimes?

Reporter: Yeah, what you said is very true, it is a bizarre turn of events. Until yesterday this king was relishing killing people and all of a sudden he is turning a saint. As rightly pointed by you, he maybe trying to avoid war crime charges. Also reliable sources have informed us that the King has shifted most of his family and wealth abroad and may escape anytime to avoid war crime charges.

Event
Ashoka disgusted by the sufferings of Kalinga War turns to Buddhism

This is just a poke at the Media for sensationalizing for every event that takes place. There will be many more events reported in my blog until I get a weird new idea for writing or the Media corrects itself, whichever is later.

Part I of this satire will follow…………