Thursday, 18 November 2010

How News Channels would have reported history (Part I) - A Satire

Continued from Part II

We start with a play review (remember those days there were no films)

This week we have a boring play which is just run of the mill stuff with an unimaginable, impracticable and hackneyed storyline laced with a lot of melodrama and sleaze. This is the story of a guy from a royal family who goes on an hunt, meets a girl, love at first sight, secret marriage, departs back home, leaves behind the girl with a ring and a kid, girl lost in thoughts, cursed by an angry sadhu, memory loss for hero, girl loses ring, hero fails to recognise girl when she turns up at his place and later seeing the ring in a fish stomach remembers everything and they live happily thereafter.

Being very generous, I give this play "one star out of five".

Infact, for the past 3 days we conducted an opinion poll and gave people two options, option a, they wont remember this play six months from now and option b, they will remember this play for their lifetimes. We have an astonishing 100% result for option (A). Here is the ticker. The result has a slight dip and now it is 50%, no, 33% for option A, it is 25% for A, 20% for A, sorry, that’s all we have time today…." By the time the ticker is taken of air, it is 1% for option A.

By the by the play we are talking about is Kalidasa's "Shakuntala" and since Kalidasa did not believe in PR exercise, his play had to get this review.

A controversial but good at public relations Roman Emperor commits suicide.

Anchor with white dyed hairs which give him a mature soberly yells out the beginning "This is the saddest day of my life. The dearest Emperor of Rome has committed suicide unable to bear rebellion. He was a great constructor, reformer in his own right, sports lover in fact participated in an Olympic game, lover of fine arts and always had a kind heart for us press guys. We are here to discuss the possible fall out of his death. In our panel are some distinguished persons, Mr. Success Obsessed Bull (SOB); Publically Important and Manipulating Person and Socialite-I (PIMaPaS) and Corn-y Journalist (CJ), lets start with you Mr.PIMaPaS, tell us about the emperor".

PIMaPaS "Oh, yeah, he appreciated all the delicate things in life. He loved family a lot which can be seen from the fact that he married thrice. Also he was in constant touch with me err. for organizing performances in the numerous theatres, dance stages he had built. The parties he threw were fabulous and I grew as a person thanks to the contacts developed in his parties. Truly, it is a great loss to Roman Culture, families values and fine hearts"

Anchor `Now we go in for a short break and will be back. All the Ads in this break reflect the great values the emperor stood for"

In the Ad break, Ads relating to Resorts, Liquor companies, condoms, villas are played.

Back from the break, the Anchor with a teary eye" Welcome back after the break, now Mr. SoB will share his memories of the Emperor"

SoB-I `Yes, he was the darling of the markets. Each of his actions contributed to improving private wealth. Just look at the number of constructions for fine arts, athletics, etc. All these led to huge value for the construction industry and people who traded in their shares. One more thing, the tax break he gave for food imports benefited the traders a lot because he never insisted that they be passed on to the citizens'

Anchor `Ok, now Mr. CJ you tell us your experience, what sort of great ruler he was?"

CJ `You can identify his integrity by the fact that he executed his stepbrother, mother and first wife to save his seat………oops… I mean to uphold the law of the land. He was so much worried about law and order that he reduced the bail amount and fines. He wanted to discover the origin of Nile. However there are some unsubstantiated allegations that he was fiddling with his piano when the city was burning. Let me tell you it was only a lyre and not a piano. There was this great concert organised by the King and fireworks were arranged around the city and some of them went wrong. Only three of the fourteen districts were burnt to ashes. The Emperor after the concert organised relief for the citizens. As a remembrance of the dead, the Emperor built a new palace for himself in an area cleared by the fire. So as you can see he was above slur and beyond the understanding of common man"

Anchor `Ok, the general consensus is that he was a great human being and able administrator, we all mourn his death"

In case you have still not guessed who the Emperor is, It is Nero I. Nero focused much on diplomacy, trade and increasing the cultural capital of the empire. Despite his antics during the great Roman fire, some historians of that time have painted him in favorable light highlighting the fact that he maintained good relations with the press of those days. Is somebody in a big corruption mess, listening, if only you had done your PR, who knows?

Thuglaq shifts capital from Delhi to Devagiri

Thuglaq is immortalized for his misrule. It is surprising that some historians of that time have labeled him as a wise king. Obviously, Thugulaq knew a thing or two about PR. Here is a panel discussion on Thuqlaq move to shift the capital from Delhi to Devagiri. In the panel are SOB XVI, PIaMPaS XVII and Common Man (CM) discussing the shifting of the capital by Emperor Thugulaq (ET) with a prominent woman journalist who just imposes herself on a discussion and never allows any dissent.

Anchor : We are here to discuss the pathbreaking move of ET to shift the Capital from Delhi to Devagiri, first you Mr SoB, tell us how this move will be good for the country"

SOB XVI : He is best emperor for construction since Nero. Just imagine the number of buildings, roads and other infrastructure that will be built in the new capital. A good Government should spend like this and not on subsidies for the poor guys who anyway will die hungry. In addition, ET has ordered transportation of men, wonen and capital, this is again good news for shares of logistics companies. I put a strong buy on construction, logistics shares and a double thumbs up for the Government"

CM tries to talk, only to be cut by the Anchor "We will come back after a break and you can say whatever you want in whatever time we allow"

In the break, advertisements of construction companies, mineral water manufacturers, logistics companies are played. The programme time of 30 minutes is consumed 18 minutes by Ads.

Anchor "Ok, Mr PIaMPaS XVII, tell us how this capital shift will promote your national building activities?

PIaMPaS "I am very grateful to ET. There will be a party before shifting, en route and after shifting. Many foreign dignatories, rich businessmen will come and my business errr…. cultural exchange will increase and that is a good news for socialites like me"

CM again tries to talk but is again interrupted by the Anchor "I know you have been patiently waiting but Mr. SOB XVI has something important to say about a proposed currency change, let us listen to him. (holds CM shoulder) and says "promise you will get your time" in a very deep passionate voice.

SOB XVI " Yeah, ET has plans to change the currency metal from gold to brass or copper. This will increase the gold reserves and create new opportunities for minting by private parties"

CM snatches the mike and screams "that would mean forged currency". SOB XVI winks at him but the camera intentionally avoids this wink. CM is still talking but his mike is switched off.

Meanwhile, Anchor "Mr CM you have had your say, I guess we have to end it here, at the end of the day, it is a great move by the ET, there will always be dissenting voices but the wheels of progress have to move, Good Night" and the music rolls, the anchor gets into a conversation with PIaMPaS.

To be continued in some randomly numbered part.

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