A Dummies Guide To Excelling in WhatsApp University - Part I

Everything about WhatsApp university is gross and random. Why should a guide on how to excel in this institute of eggs-silence be any different! Thus, we will have in the First Part, the crucial lessons.

He who controls the past controls the future said, George Orwell. He was a visionary, and possibly had the WhatsApp University in mind when he wrote those lines. To control the past, you don’t require a time machine. All that you need are a smartphone, data connection, WhatsApp installed, a fertile imagination, and friends/families who are on a high without IQ. 

You can alter history by glorifying the obscure. Let’s assume your country in the past has got freedom from foreign rule. A lot of people would have laid their lives fighting them. Some of them would have played the role of leaders. Pick and glorify to the hilt, a guy who was on the sidelines, or even prostrated before the invaders. Use chest-thumping phrases and anagrams, to edify him. If it is the first copy, make a suggestion that the country would have never been freed but for his bravery. In subsequent versions, change the tone from suggestive to assertive. 

You could also try your hand at glorifying a tyrant king, who belongs to your religion/region or language, by attributing various welfare measures that were done by kings, 500 years before or after him. Here patriotic phrases alone will not work, but you need to add liberal portions of abuse and ridiculing of all those historians who presented the correct picture of this tyrant after due research. 

If your cardboard character has to be looked upon to, the genuine leader has to be obfuscated and ridiculed. It is tough for a novice to undo the achievements of an authentic leader. That will be taken care of by the Deans and Professors of the University backed by fertile research cells, with a big budget. 

However, this does not mean you can do nothing about it. When in despair, remember `Every man or woman has a dark or grey side of himself/herself’. The best of follies to highlight is the active libido of a genuine leader. Pick that one and link it to all the mistakes he or she did as a leader. 

Next, you can build conspiracy theories. This is the easiest and examples are a dime a dozen in any country’s history.

The most exciting part of being a part of WhatsApp University is when you understand how to modify mythology into history, and later conclude it as science or social structure of your country. 

It is mentioned in Nordic Mythology that Asgard had 540 halls. Further, it also talks about Rainbow as being a bridge between Earth to Heaven. If you are a Nordic person, you can use this to showcase the development of civil engineering in your country during the pre-historic times, and claim that all the civil engineering concepts were already known to your ancestors. Further, Skíðblaðnir is a fabulous ship that always moves in the right direction, and its carrying capacity was humongous. It could change shape and size. Using this myth, you can claim that your culture had knowledge of GPS, mega-ships, and even submarine technology.

If you are coming from a Greek or Egyptian background, you can have a whale of a time in apportioning everything in modern science to your culture.

If anyone questions the scientific basis of these claims, you can quote from your holy scriptures. It is always easy to strangulate the dissenter if he/she is from within your country because you can question the patriotism of the person who is being sceptic of the claim. If the laws of your nation permit, you can get the individual punished for destabilising the country.

These are broad case studies. The scope for a WhatsApp University citizen is unlimited. You can create content on nuclear science, space technology, economics, severe ailments, etc. However, to be successful at WhatsApp University, you have to follow specific basic commandments. Those are given below:-

• Reason is thy enemy. To do so is the equivalent of eating the forbidden fruit.
• Thou shall forward every public interest message that thou gets on your WhatsApp.
• Thou shall accept the fact that, if your herd believes it to be accurate, it is the truth.
• Thou shall lie, rant, and abuse to assert your country’s culture/ religion’s/ language’s glorious and ancient past.
• The ideology and its leaders that thou believe in are spotless and pristine.
• Thou shall stoop to any level to defame the ideology and leaders thou doesn’t agree with.

 You are now ready to Fart err Forward the unholy child of your imagination into the atmosphere of WhatsApp University. You will get better at your art with time. May the Fakes be with you. If you are in a hurry to be on my blocked list, forward your learnings from the WhatApp University. 

A Dummies Guide To Excelling in WhatsApp University - Part II

Credit must be given where it is due. The impact that WhatsApp University has had on the knowledge base is unquantifiable. Is there any aspect of life on which the institution has had no effect. It is the true definition of an open university, there are no students nor teachers nor a campus, yet it has impacted our life beyond comprehension. The other day, I received a message from one of the WhatsApp university students about sunrise. I had to scurry to check on the fact whether the sun does rise in the east or not. To begin with, I had to decipher whether is it the sun which is sustaining life on Earth or life here is illuminating the sun. 

Students/Faculty/Professors and Doyens of all universities would have knowledge in limited areas.  It is the students/teachers of this renowned university who have expertise in all the fields. In all other universities, the syllabus is based on certain validated studies. In WhatsApp university, the sky is the limit, and sensibility is what it demits.

WhatsApp University offers a unique opportunity for students not only to learn but also create their own knowledge. However, as in every other sphere of excellence, content creation has its own rules and methodology. I am unfortunately too sceptic to become a part of the WhatsApp University. However, there is no shortage of students from this e-light university in my friends and family circle. Based on this understanding, I have come up with a dummies guide to being an expert participant in WhatsApp University. This is, in fact, the second part of the guide.

You should begin with generating quotes because this is the easiest thing to do. One of the safest methods to do is attribute it to Albert Einstein, who is long dead and cannot refute any of them. Further, his image is such that no one would question your quote. The important aspect is you have to garnish your random thoughts to make it look like it has been said by this noble soul. To do so, you should have reasonable language skills. It is not a problem, you can watch a few videos of Shashi Tharoor, and this problem would be solved. You can even attribute to the People’s President DR APJ Abdul Kalam. In his case, the language can be understandable but soft, keeping in tune with his nature. If you want to attribute the quote to someone like Alexander the Great, it has to be ferocious.

Next, you can upgrade your to content generation on the image front. To begin with, you should acquire some necessary photo-shopping skills. You should have an idea what to modify because if you try to modify the content, to mock those who are modifying the truth, you are bound to get invective reactions. It is essential to earn the peer respect of the `MAJORITY.’

To begin with, you can replace in a historical photograph or a picture from an iconic moment of another world leader with your favourite leader. To increase your wares amongst your `MAJORITY’ peers, you can superimpose the face of a leader who is hated by them, in a scandalous situation or place. Use some photo-shopping skills to make it look authentic.

The senior level in this field would be to morph the image of your religious artefacts, on the monument of another religion.  Then you can begin a rant and claim that location as yours. Do it at an obscure portion of the memorial from an obtuse angle. The `MAJORITY’ gang will take care of the rest even if the job is half well done. Add a few quotes from some unheard of scripture to claim authenticity. Never mind the mayhem it will create.

If you want to excel at Medicine in WhatsApp University, Corona Virus era is the best. You can cook up any remedy, attribute it to a doctor from China or a World Bank Economist or a character from science fiction to give it credibility. To make it unquestionable, assign it to your country’s cave age medical system. You have to add a few exotic concoctions, and a simple process to arrive at the medicine. To make it look authentic, just mention so and so native medicine expert has offered a price of Rs.50,000 to anyone who can disprove this theory. Don’t mention this expert's contact details anywhere in your material. The incorrigible rationalist's head will go for a spin, searching in google for this expert. 

With this ends, Part-II of the guide.  In the next blog, we will see the Part-I of this guide.