Sunday, 19 July 2020

A Dummies Guide To Excelling in WhatsApp University - Part I


Everything about WhatsApp university is gross and random. Why should a guide on how to excel in this institute of eggs-silence be any different! Thus, we will have in the First Part, the crucial lessons.

He who controls the past controls the future said, George Orwell. He was a visionary, and possibly had the WhatsApp University in mind when he wrote those lines. To control the past, you don’t require a time machine. All that you need are a smartphone, data connection, WhatsApp installed, a fertile imagination, and friends/families who are on a high without IQ. 

You can alter history by glorifying the obscure. Let’s assume your country in the past has got freedom from foreign rule. A lot of people would have laid their lives fighting them. Some of them would have played the role of leaders. Pick and glorify to the hilt, a guy who was on the sidelines, or even prostrated before the invaders. Use chest-thumping phrases and anagrams, to edify him. If it is the first copy, make a suggestion that the country would have never been freed but for his bravery. In subsequent versions, change the tone from suggestive to assertive. 

You could also try your hand at glorifying a tyrant king, who belongs to your religion/region or language, by attributing various welfare measures that were done by kings, 500 years before or after him. Here patriotic phrases alone will not work, but you need to add liberal portions of abuse and ridiculing of all those historians who presented the correct picture of this tyrant after due research. 

If your cardboard character has to be looked upon to, the genuine leader has to be obfuscated and ridiculed. It is tough for a novice to undo the achievements of an authentic leader. That will be taken care of by the Deans and Professors of the University backed by fertile research cells, with a big budget. 

However, this does not mean you can do nothing about it. When in despair, remember `Every man or woman has a dark or grey side of himself/herself’. The best of follies to highlight is the active libido of a genuine leader. Pick that one and link it to all the mistakes he or she did as a leader. 

Next, you can build conspiracy theories. This is the easiest and examples are a dime a dozen in any country’s history.

The most exciting part of being a part of WhatsApp University is when you understand how to modify mythology into history, and later conclude it as science or social structure of your country. 

It is mentioned in Nordic Mythology that Asgard had 540 halls. Further, it also talks about Rainbow as being a bridge between Earth to Heaven. If you are a Nordic person, you can use this to showcase the development of civil engineering in your country during the pre-historic times, and claim that all the civil engineering concepts were already known to your ancestors. Further, Skíðblaðnir is a fabulous ship that always moves in the right direction, and its carrying capacity was humongous. It could change shape and size. Using this myth, you can claim that your culture had knowledge of GPS, mega-ships, and even submarine technology.

If you are coming from a Greek or Egyptian background, you can have a whale of a time in apportioning everything in modern science to your culture.

If anyone questions the scientific basis of these claims, you can quote from your holy scriptures. It is always easy to strangulate the dissenter if he/she is from within your country because you can question the patriotism of the person who is being sceptic of the claim. If the laws of your nation permit, you can get the individual punished for destabilising the country.

These are broad case studies. The scope for a WhatsApp University citizen is unlimited. You can create content on nuclear science, space technology, economics, severe ailments, etc. However, to be successful at WhatsApp University, you have to follow specific basic commandments. Those are given below:-

  • Reason is thy enemy. To do so is the equivalent of eating the forbidden fruit.
  • Thou shall forward every public interest message that thou gets on your WhatsApp.
  • Thou shall accept the fact that, if your herd believes it to be accurate, it is the truth.
  • Thou shall lie, rant, and abuse to assert your country’s culture/ religion’s/ language’s glorious and ancient past.
  • The ideology and its leaders that thou believe in are spotless and pristine.
  • Thou shall stoop to any level to defame the ideology and leaders thou doesn’t agree with.

 You are now ready to Fart err Forward the unholy child of your imagination into the atmosphere of WhatsApp University. You will get better at your art with time. May the Fakes be with you. If you are in a hurry to be on my blocked list, forward your learnings from the WhatApp University. 

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