My own wardrobe malfunction

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Right from 1st standard, I was always awe-stuck with my brother making speeches on Independence Day and other competitions in schools. So when I got promoted to sixth standard (the cut-off for a student to be allowed in these competitions), I readily gave my name when it was called for. The first assignment was to speak on Independence Day about Lal Bahadur Sastriji. With active assistance of my father and the Panasonic two-in-one we had at our home, I practiced the speech over and again. Three days before the event, Dcuna Madam who was in charge of the culturals decided that all the participants will wear a dhoti and make the speech. I never took it seriously and continued preparing my speech.

The D-day came and all the “freedom fighters” were made to wear dhoti and come to the stage. First it was “Gandhiji”, next “Panditji” followed by “Patelji” and then came my turn “Sastriji”. I stood up to see nearly 900 students in front of me. I immediately realized that public speaking was more than reproducing a prepared speech. All the lessons my father gave on the etiquettes of public speaking vaporized from my mind. I was shivering, mumbling when the audience burst out laughing. My dhothi was on the floor. Obviously, the tension within my body had resulted in this scandalous wardrobe malfunction. Thankfully, I had worn inside the customary half-white pant for Saturday class and any further embarrassment was prevented. I could see my brother feeling for me but I did not want to give up speaking. Despite all the jeers, I continued speaking. To my surprise fear had evaporated and I was able to speak freely. Though I did not win any prize, I did get a special mention from the principal for courageously standing on to speak despite the mishap.

Thankfully, there were no moral police around those days or else a campaign would have been started against me for an intentional wardrobe malfunction, that too in a boy’s school.

Dont abbreviate KISS

Acronyms have made our lives so convenient. Emails, ATM, etc are used by us subconsciously. Some use acronyms without knowing their expansion and quite often, situations in life throw their own new meanings for existing acronyms.

Disclaimer: Most of the acronyms used here have been received by me through emails/SMS.

I understand that a distant country named Ediot Who-swallowed-it-ya have had its own sub-crime crisis. Any royalty accrued from this blog will be donated towards SCREW (Sub Crime Relief for Ediot Who-swallowed-itya) since the acronyms used here are not my original creation.

ABCD is American Born Confused Desi, what would be A to Z, here it goes, American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeps Lotsa Models (what’s that?) Named Omkarnath Patel Quietly Reached Success Through Underhand Vicious Ways Xenophobic Yet Zealous.

Talking of NRI’s, one of the funny expansions is Not Reliable Indian which I don’t find funny because many of them do a good work. However if the depression in West prolongs, it will become Not Required Indians because who would want a NRI without money. NRI could also mean Not Responsible Indians which most of us are given our civic senses. Talking of uninvited guests, when they leave we say in our minds GRBR (Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish)

When our mobile does not connect, we are forced to yell Mera Telephone Nahin Lagtha or our broadband acts like a junkband we feel it is a Very Slow Network Limited.

There is no transparency in our official dealings despite the RTI act, so we could call all the RTI activists as Confused Indian Citizenry (not to be confused with CIC appointed to monitor the RTI Act). RTI Act the way it is being implemented in India would mean Right to Trample Information Act by the implementers.

Television is called as the Idiot Box (not to be wrongly read as IB). The national channel puts up lousy programmes and right called as the DD (read Drowsy Darshan). Usually when people ask me “Are you born and brought up in India?” . I reply by saying “BBC in Bangalore” which means Born Brought-up and Corrupted in Bangalore. On the last count 11,235 people have stopped to talking to me because of this stupid joke.

ICU in ICU would not be the ideal send-off message you would like to give a friend because it would read I Cee U in Intensive Care Unit. Talking of people, we should never become a Vicious Vacillating Insensitive Person. If we complicate our thinking process, we will become a Person In Maximum Problems. So Keep It Simple Stupid.

Implants are the in-thing

The mention of the word implants no longer rings the moral bell in anybody’s ears, that situation was years ago. Implants are the in-thing. If you see at the end of the day, there is nobody free from the need for an implant.

It is a known secret that every female celebrity who want increased ba… err eyeballs has to go in for an implant  .

Given the number of heroes who take off their shirt and what not, there is a distinct possibility that some of them may have had implants.

Recently global economies had an implant in the form of a bailout package.

Indian cricket team for the past decade or so has been having an implant of foreign coaches.

Lyrics writers devoid of ideas have an implant of remixes.

Politicians devoid of issues have an implant of regional/religious passions. They further require an implant of bogus votes to win elections.

Broadcasters devoid of programmes have an implant of reality shows.

Reality shows require implant of controversies to sustain TRPs

Reality show contestants in turn require implant of viewer votes to win.

Laziness within an organisation/country leads to the implant of outsourcing.

News channels have regular implants of breaking news.

Movies devoid of content have an implant of censor cuts, protests, etc.

We have a protruding implant of a hands-free to answer calls.

People with weak hearts have an implant of pacemakers sadly there is nothing for the brains

Our roads have had an implant of plastic waste but sadly there has been no improvement.

Last but not the least, Earth requires an implant of greenery to save it from global warming.

This thread of implant does not end here and will be updated as and when I have an implant of haywire brainwaves.