Things I Would Do If I Was A Fascist or A Dictator (Part II)

                I am a great believer in democracy. This piece of writing is just a bad attempt (Part-II) at satire on what I will do if I am a Fascist or a dictator:-

1.            People who use Y, U, C, K, S instead of why, you, see, okay, and yes in their messages should develop similar shortcuts for the entire Oxford dictionary. Those who use hmmm will be asked to decipher all the radio signals received from outer space.

2.            People calling each other as `Bae’ should write 1 lakh times the meaning of Bae.

3.            Those wearing pants below their butt cracks should prove why they need pants in the first place or below the first place, whatever it is.

4.            There will be 2000% GST on all vegetarian preparations prefixed or suffixed with Biryani or Kabbab

5.            Citizens who just read the best selling Indian Author on Amazon, and call themselves `Voracious Readers’ will have to write the synonym for `Farrago’ in 6000 languages of the world.

6.            Companies which put out deodorant ads of women swooning over men who use their deodorants will be required to provide the women, if usage of their product does not result in such situations.

7.            Companies selling dental products will be required to medically justify why dentists appearing in their ads are appearing with a stethoscope.

8.            Those who cannot understand humour just because it does not contain a smiley will be  demojified.

9.            Nobody will be allowed to make their faces look better by using dog filters.

10.          People who wear coat suit in humid conditions will be made to do a trapeze over a furnace in formal clothes.

11.          People who sleep with their smartphones next to them will be asked to charge their phones using their body energy. The charging point will be their convenience.

12.          People who question others nationality will be sent to jungle for conducting DNA tests for the wild animals.

14.         Nobody will question why a serial number is missing and also why the font size of this point is so small, if they do so, they will be forced to write their entire family Aadhar card details on a grain of rice

15.          People displaying western table manners while eating Indian food will be asked to extract sugarcane juice without sugar.

16.          People posting mirror images of taking selfies with their I-phone shall be sent for denarcissification.

17.          People who drink mineral water in a dhabba shall not be given extra pani while having chaat.

18.          People who come in luxury cars and talk about environment will be made to pound hundred kilograms of rice using a hockey stick.

19.  People who talk about security of the country but desist it in shopping malls, airports or their own organisations will be forced to wear a board indicating their salary account login name, and password.

20.          Organisations that have separate rest-rooms for VIPs shall be asked to conduct a test on the nutrient present in the output collected in normal and VIP rooms.

21.          People running on escalators will be asked to manually put back the toothpaste into its tube.

22.          People trying to rush out of a just landed aircraft will next time be made to travel on wings of the plane.

23.          People who expect a gourmet meal in an aircraft will be forced to find humour in Russian literature.

24.          People who comment on the couple or food after attending a marriage will be made to run on the treadmill, till the treadmill breaks down.

25.          Photographers who take snaps of guests having their meals in a wedding hall shall be served meals for rest of their life in a mortuary.

26.          Schools that provide books, uniform, stationery, etc after charging huge fees but not good education shall be compelled to provide free housing for the parents.

27.          TV news shall scroll the message `Our news is based on fiction and bears no resemblance to anyone living or dead’.

28.          People who buy sport shoes but don’t use it will be made to walk backwards while climbing stairs.

29.          Dieticians shall be specifically asked to mention whether, the diets prescribed by them, has to be taken before or after a meal. If they prescribe it as a meal, they will be tried for attempted homicide.

30.          Treatments that don’t make a patient bankrupt shall be treated as a placebo effect, and the entire fees refunded to the patient.

Here is the first part

Part I

I, Me and Myself discusss politics, egypt and budget

http://leadcap.org/

I, Me and Myself met up again to discuss forming the BLOOP party. Unfortunately this time also, ICON, MY CON AND MYSELF CON accompanied us to the meeting.

Me: Myself, have you finalized our party goals?

MECON: and what were you doing, finding fault with the BCCI cricket team?

Myself: Let us put the goals on the backburner, they are so much in conflict with national interest

MYSELFCON: you mean your interests?

I: Let us sleep over it, something better will come out in the morning.

ICON: Hope it is not SHIT, I meant Senseless Hollow i-talk.

Me: But then how do we publicise our party?

I: Corruption has gone beyond the limits. We should instigate an Egypt here. That would be a great publicity for our party.

MECON: I know you can only imagine the dirty things you could have done with such money.

Myself: Boss, till world cup I will be busy making changes to my SUPER SELECTOR TEAM and playing various fantasy cricket shows and after that there is IPL. So schedule this Egypt after IPL.

Me: How about in the gap between world cup and IPL, there is a fortnight gap.

I: Hello, in between world cup and IPL, I have booked for a family vacation for Europe at a big discount. If I miss it for any reason, my wife will make me permanently stay on the streets.

ICON: Think again, worse could happen, you could become an Egyptian Mummy.

Myself: Actually, I think we have no problems in our country. We have enough income and can always afford the bribes and inflation. It is just that we cannot tolerate these politicians making such big money. It is the poor guys who have to do such struggle. This has to be a bottoms-up approach.

MYSELCON: PEPSI SHOULD GIVE YOU AND AD FOR PALTI TALK.

I: Thankfully, the Railway Budget has not increased any of the fares. That is the way things should be.

ICON: Just wait till the next train accident, the same guy will write blogs after blogs about rail safety and the wrong policy of not raising fares.

Myself: I am very disappointed. These guys provide 50% concession for press correspondents twice a year, why not something to us bloggers also. We don’t write any better err… I mean any inferior stuff to those guys.

MYSELFCON: True, they write without evaluating the facts and you write based on their reports.

I: They should have reintroduced the Standard Deduction. These guys give all the benefits to the poor guys both in subsidies and cash during elections.

ICON: and what loyalty do you show to the country, after getting all those tax deductions, fuel subsidy, etc. leave alone go and vote, you don’t even register yourself as a voter.

Me: Thanks to the Very Senior Citizens category introduced, my grandfather is having all the property in his name and we don’t have pay any tax on that income.

MECON: Thank god, the old man will be allowed to stay alive for a lot more years, he and his dad will take special care of him.

I: Ok, we are getting nowhere with this goals nor how to publicise the party and best thing to do is raise funds. I will submit a proposal in the next meeting.

All the three walk out of the meeting discussing their blog ideas on a political alliance break-up

Whereas ICON, MYCON, MYSELFCON SING

DHAK GO, INDIA GO,

GOD KNOWS WHERE ARE YOU GOING

ACCOMPANIED BY SELF SERVING RULING CLASS

MASQUEARADING MIDDLE CLASS