A Compliation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives Nobody Will Laugh At (Part II)

If my love is a lemon, you're the greased dish

Nothing can make a husband sleep immediately

than the words "i want to talk to you"

Husbands are not disappointed with flipkart sale, they are used to it.

A husband trying to make his wife see reason is as impossible as trying to throw a stone into the sky, if anything it comes back, it’s to hit him hard.

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Married men are not cartoons, they are puppets.

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Bachelors have break-ups once a while
Married men don't have broken bones once a while.

The flip side of being a humorist is after a length of time even your typos seem to people as a joke. Guess same thing happens in marriages too, after a few years even a romantic look seems to be an angry stare

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It’s easy to spot a married man at the store alone. He’s the one with a look of terror in his eyes that he’ll pick the glue stick instead of yoghurt.

A real man is one who has complete freedom in his home
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to hide anywhere when his wife is looking for him..

Husbands are much like Wallmart customers, they accept what is dished out to them.

The guy who coined the phrase "and they lived happily thereafter" was never married. .

SMILE after marriage means Simply Making It Look Exciting..

Drone technology should be used very carefully, least some wife uses it to punch her husband having a drink with his friends..

Food in a flight is like sex in marriage, never enough but no other option‪..

Every couple should grandly celebrate their wedding anniversaries, otherwise you know what we do the remaining 364 days..

Practice makes a man perfect

So what about women.
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The guy who said this was a married guy who once asked his wife to improve her cooking and realised the consequences. .

South Indian marriages are as exciting as a slow motion scene which lasts for 2 hours…

All those couples who got married or will get married on April 1 have a great sense of humour.

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A woman on a shopping spree is the biggest oxymoron, it should be shopping evolution.

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My Experiments With New Year Resolutions

I.                   My Resolutions

My resolutions are like the hair dye I apply

Never lasts beyond the seventh day

More resolute than the morning dew

Less certain than the pot of gold at end of the rainbow

Legend of flopped resolutions which inspire dear and near never to have one.

Resolutions, Resolutions, every year, yet to fulfill even one.

Rich wish death got my commitment to resolutions

Poor would do well if their sufferings met the fate of my resolutions.

To watch more TV, eat junk food and to read less

Such a resolution may find salvation.

A clean country and a tolerant society

Not worrying about what I eat or write

To never say might is right or vice-versa

Never part of the new year resolutions of anyone in the country

II.   Fate of my resolutions

Once I resolved no longer road rage

No more the abuses and slur.

The muscular guy who overtook me curtly

Said the four letter word and drew away.

I smiled, it’s okay, I’m not gay.

The next guy showed me his middle finger.

I dismissed the resultant anger

Because it neither impressed me

Nor was in any real danger

Mind you both the times I was following the rule

Impressed with my patience, I was in praise of my attitude

I put the right indicator and took the free left.

A gentleman behind me politely reminded I’m breaking the rule

Then started my string of abuse.

III.           Why I don’t ask others resolution?

I used to poke my nose into others business

I don’t let others to because I have no business

Knowing others New Year resolutions is cool

The urge ended when I was made to look like a fool

When a junior of mine replied `1024 x 768’

Till date, I don’t even ask others what you ate.

A Compilation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives That Nobody Will Laugh (Part I)

All these Jokes are mine. The very fact that you will laugh at none of them proves it.

Male Spouse is the Mouse.

It's time someone put in their wedding card, all kinds of Dal in quantities of 5 kg or more welcome as a gift

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Study revealed,that if women keep Maun varat instead of Karva Chauth varat,men surely will have long life.

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Home made food is healthy because you can never have too much of it. 

A married man should learn to agree, or over his injuries will he have to grieve.

My advice to bachelors

Marriage is not to be feared. Nothing like that, get married only then you will appreciate your parents, teachers, boss, government and even Aliens

Marriages are made in heaven

Thanks! for the warning, next time I'll depart from hell

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Married men fear two things, one their mother in law coming in for a long stay and two, the lady of the house asking for their credit card

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Married & lived happily forever-hahahaha, that's definitely an oxymoron.

They say don't laugh at your wife's choice, you're one of them.

My reply, I've a sense of humour to laugh at myself.

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Don't get married because friends of your age are married

Don't get married because your families want you to

Don't get married because you want company

Don't get married because you want to take care of your biological needs

So why should you get married?
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Get married only because you're feeling jealous at your own happiness. 

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All those who don't get pranked today are already married.

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Advice, on Valentine day hug safe, else learn to change Huggies in a wafe way.

February 13 is kiss day 
This year it's on Friday the 13th, how apt?

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If my love is a novel
You're the printer's devil

Love never changes as they say

When in love

I'm madly in love with you

After marriage

I was mad to fall in love with you

Love must be blind otherwise why would lovers grope each other in the dark

The moon outside is so beautiful, I was standing in the balcony and admiring her.
My wife could not tolerate to see my happy face `What's it you're admiring?"

I said `Poornima' and then flew the missiles from inside

Sataric Verses on Auto Drivers, Stock Markets, Marriage and Inflation

Bengaluru Auto Drivers

Moves like king of streets

Abruptly he turns

For many it’s not about the fare

It’s not about reaching someone somewhere

It is all about chatting with friends without a care

Request or urge him to come there

With looks like a maharaja of the yore

He with his eyes will suggest you are an eye sore

And continue with his snore

 There are a obliging few

meters as honest and resolute as the morning dew

no rhyme or rhythm for its upward move

Before you realise you have pledged a fortune.

Stock Markets

BULLS AND BEARS WE ARE THEY SAY

YOUR MONEY IS WHAT THEY PREY

AT OUR COST, THEY MAKE HAY

THE FUNDAMENTALS ARE STRONG SAID ONE EXPERT

ANOTHER SAID, CHARTS ARE WAITING TO SPURT

INVEST FOR THE LONG TERM SAID MANY

ALL BOOKED THEIR PROFITS AND TOOK MY LAST PENNY

HERE WE ARE THE LAMBS

BELIEVING IN MARGINS AND DERATIVES

NOT READING THE DISCLAIMERS

ONLY BELIEVING IN THE STOCK TIPS

Marriage

Marriage, Marriage, the eternal mirage.

Begins in a garden of urge,

Soon turns into a ring of umbrage

Having babies is the default result

Rearing them is the life-long effect.

Remaining committed is the vow

Doing so in devil’s paradise is the woe.

Like my relatives and unlike yours is a couple’s mantra

Ridiculing each others’ is their agenda

Mutual distrust is what they share

Ego massaging is what they care

Marriage, Marriage, the riveting mirage

Arranged or love, without emotional bondage

becomes a horrible sausage

Inflation

Has no logic or reason

Everyday reduces my ration

Economists say it is good for economy

They speak so to improve their economy.

Inflation is like one’s spouse

Always irritating like a louse.

Some say it is due to increased money supply

For everything, a loan I have to apply

In the grammar of inflation

Dal is the interjection

Saving is the adverb

Apple is eaten only in the proverb.

Are BMTC buses meant for transporting goods?

The below attached photographs are from 314 series (KA01FA1583) on 01/11/2015 at 7:30 a.m. Half the bus was occupied with the goods. There was no place to move around. This is a common situation in BMTC buses. No wonder people refrain using BMTC especially if they can afford private transport. What's the use of 1000s of Bus days?

Funny Poetry on Schools, Doctors, and Bengaluru Roads

Bengaluru Roads
A monument of potholes

Neither gold bar
Nor in them you can find tar

To lay them, they say we spend crores
But they crumble due to droppings of a few crows

Rain, Rain come any day
But don't wash our roads away

We don't want roads of Beverly hill
At least, not ones, which resemble a landfill.

Schools

Every kid needs education
Else how will schools charge donation

Schools charge high fees parents say
Along with Munni, parents get educated in doing projects, schools replay.

To teach sonny all the alphabet
Parents become school's puppet

Sometimes founders day, many a times this or that day
Through their noses, parents have to pay

Fees which put to shame sleaze
Kids who say Amma instead of Mummy, pay fine, please

Schools call themselves international
Just because their website is operational

Parents made it despite studying in normal schools.
What makes them sleep outside convent schools?

Is it an inferiority complex?
Or has education become complex.

The Journalist

He screams on behalf of the nation
I wonder who gave him the sanction

Is it news or noise hour
Nobody gets to speak during his yappy hour

As unbiased as the slope uphill
Logic matched only by a cycle downhill

Top of the TRP they show
Only because I don't switch off such bow, bow

I HAD A SNEEZE

I had a sneeze
Lasted long enough to scare my missez

Ordered me to go to a GP
Who first checked my BP

Neither, high nor low
At 40 plus, he wondered how

Due to the AC, I did shiver
He decided to check my liver
Said the report `Cactus Chutney' he can devour

The Doc was not yet done with my money
I laughed though it was not funny

Thus, started a cough
He said, after a laugh, it means your lungs are not good enough

Report came for the x-ray
His lungs are happy and gay

Next, he wanted to do a biopsy
And find why my skin is dark
I told my dog can bite off your chopsy
With and without a bark

I went to find reason for a virulent sneeze
The doctor with his bills was planning to take one of my kidneys

Getting Married

Amma said it's time you got married
Enough for you have I curried

I replied if cooking is the bother
Let me learn to handle the cooker

Fed up of you late night weekend
Only a shrewd girl can bring this to an end

If opening the door is the reason for this karaoke
50 Rupees, 50 Rupees, I reasoned, costs a duplicate key

There should be somebody to take care of you when old
Before that, she will demand from me a lot of gold

Mom used her trump card
Before I close my eyes, want to see your wedding card

For 15 years, I have been married.
Not hen-pecked but hen kicked.

A Day In The Life Of A Biryani Lover

Have you ever confessed love for a particular item, I mean, food item? I don’t hide my love for mutton biryani, to the extent that, my name has been prefixed by the word mutton biryani on many an instances. A few of my friends have suggested that I’ve an Obsessive Compulsory Disorder for Mutton Biryani and they are not any farther from the truth than a motorist would be from a pothole on Bengaluru road. There are days when everything appears to me like a biryani usually when a weekend is approaching and I’ve planned to have biryani at a particular place. Here is a narration of one such day.

Usually, I wake up as fresh as a biryani which has not been eaten for days but on this particular Friday I woke up with all the anticipation of a weekend.

To begin with I had to burn the calories, which is a more difficult process than making a Hyderabadi Biryani. Just because I eat a lot of goat’s meat, Oats is what I get at breakfast to eat.

 After all the jogging and exercising I come back home only to get a look spicier than an Andhra Biryani look from my wife, just because I did not switch off the balcony lights and forgot to bolt the main gate.

The drive to office was very pleasant and I was able to find the green signal always. It was like having an Awadhi Biryani.

There was one BMTC bus which was emitting smoke as dark as a Dindugul Biryani.

Then came my Secretary looking like as delicious as  a Thallasery Biryani but not within my reach.

I found my boss to be in a spicier mood than a Dhone Biryani.

The meetings are as boring and tasteless as a biryani prepared in a five-star hotel for European tourists.

Lunch in canteen by providence was Vegetable Biryani

Work was so hectic I felt like the main constituent of a Kheema Biryani

The feedback from the users was as mixed as a Kolkatta Biryani

Finally, the day was over, the weekend had begun. I felt like having Ambur Biryani, which I did.

Amer Fort, Jaipur - A Fascinating Page From Our Rich History