Pain for one Gain for another - it is time to Rain - a poem

One yells Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

Another screams Rain, Rain spread with all your sway, this very day.

The rich housewife said my kids will be drenched

Rain, Rain go away come some other day

The starving farmer’s wife said my kids will be fed

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

The busy executive cribbed about the traffic ordeal

Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

The jobless boatman smiled about the tourist trail.

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

There goes my profits cried the greedy tanker owner

Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

There comes a windfall laughed the scheming stock broker

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

Oh! We cannot play cried the kids

Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

Ah! Here comes our inspiration celebrated the lovers

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

To a few misery, to many a reason to be happy

Let the rains spread with sway this very day and many a day.

Telemedicine - A silent revolution in Indian Healthcare pioneered by ISRO

This is my submission for http://www.apollohospitals.com/cutting-edge.php

An Arabian saying goes "He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything". Unfortunately in a country like India, advances in healthcare are still available to the privileged few residing mainly in the urban area but majority of the population live in rural area. Further, this is compounded by poor medical facilities in rural and inaccessible areas, reluctance of doctors to serve in rural areas, etc. Thus, there is little hope for the larger population of this country for getting quality health care without having A silent revolution happening in the health sector of the country is Telemedicine, by Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO). It hopes to bridge the gap between haves and have not’s as far as healthcare is concerned.

Telemedicine is the use of telecommunication and information technology for medical diagnosis and patient care. It involves transfer of electronic medical data (i.e. live video, high resolution images, voice, text and patient records) between the “Patient end” and the “Specialist end” using the combination of video, computer and network communication technologies.  The elements of a telemedicine network are viz., patient end; specialty end and communication link. A telemedicine system consists of a computer with relevant medical software and connected to medical diagnostic instruments like ECG, X-ray machine or an X-ray Scanner for scanning the X-ray images. The digitized images and medical reports of the patient are sent to the specialist hospital, which may be thousands of kilometers away, through a satellite VSAT system or terrestrial links. The specialist in the comfort of his hospital is able to examine the reports, diagnose, interact with the patient and suggest appropriate treatment during the video conferencing session through the telemedicine system. Tele-consultation is a great boon in post-operative care for patients coming from remote areas because money and time expended on travel is avoided. Telemedicine has its own limitations and it cannot be used in cases where any disease which requires clinical examination of the patient cannot be diagnosed by telemedicine eg skin disorders, pshychiatric disorders, etc. Telemedicine technology as of now in India, has been adopted in the following areas:-

1.   Tele-consultation.

2.   Tele-diagonsis.

3.   Tele-treatment.

4.   Tele-education

5.   Tele-training

6.   Tele-monitoring

7.   Tele-support.

ISRO has always been endeavouring to reach space technology to the grassroots. In India, telemedicine started during 2001 linking Apollo Hospital, Chennai with the Apollo Rural Hospital at Aragonda village in Chittor, Andhra Pradesh. The next one implemented during March 2002 linked  Naryana Hrudayalaya, Bangalore with Chamrajnagar District Hospital and The Vivekanada Memorial Trust Hospital at Saragur, both districts being located in Karnataka. Presently, ISRO’s Telemedicine Network stretches to around 100 hospitals all over the country with 78 remote/rural/district hospitals/health centres connected to 22 speciality hospitals located in the major cities. The thrust of ISRO’s Telemedicine Programme are as follows:

1. Remote/Rural Hospitals and Speciality Hospitals.
2. Continuing Medical Education (CME) – training for doctors & paramedics in rural/remote areas, from a higher level hospital/institution.
3. Mobile Telemedicine Units
4. Disaster Management Support.

The yeoman services rendered by ISRO’s telemedicine network in remote areas like Kargil and Leh in the North, offshore islands of Andaman and Nicobar and Lakshdweep, as well as interior parts of Orrisa, Karnataka, Kerala, Chattisgarh, J&K, North East is noteworthy. As per ISRO’s website, in Chamrajnagar telemedicine has cut down treatment cost by 81%. Further it is stated that in case of remote off-shore islands, this is much more significant both to the patient and the Government administration. In such cases, not only the patients have the cost saving but can be provided with quick and timely medical aid. Telemedicine has also been used since 2002 at Pampa, the foothills of Sabarimala Shrine, Kerala and during Tsunami in Andaman Island and Car Nicobar.

In India healthcare is a state subject and the larger application of telemedicine to benefit of the country would depend on the respective state government’s initiative in grabbing and implementing this technology. Telemedicine with passage of time will become more and more a refined technology. Its progress depends on application of mind by the concerned. High cost of equipments; high cost of maintenance; high training cost and poor connectivity are some of the impediments in telemedicine gaining greater acceptance in India. The field of Information and Communication technology is making giant strides consistently and this over a period of time should result in reduction in cost of hardware and software which will make will make telemedicine systems simpler and affordable.

It is seen from ISRO’s website that they have envisioned the development of a “HEALTHSAT”, an exclusive satellite for meeting the healthcare and medical education needs of India at large. This satellite, when deployed along with wireless and terrestrial communication links, can bring a large change in augmenting the present healthcare delivery system in the country. Telemedicine when fully implemented can be the mythical Sanjeevini to people living in remote/rural areas. It can enlarge the gap between life and death across the length and breadth of this country. We require untiring efforts from all the stake holders to make India a healthy country.

I would like to state that I have relied a lot upon material collected from ISRO website and their press releases.

Kitchens of India - My Gourmet Party - Mock and Delight Yourself (MADY)

This blog is written for Kitchens of India. Don’t forget to read the disclaimer at the end L.

 My party would have only Indian food, both vegetarian and non vegetarian but alcohol will not be served. As much as I love to treat people, I love to tease them. The theme of the party would be Mock and Delight Yourself (MADY). The recommended dress code would be Indian and violators will be made to walk back home after the partyJ.

The party would be held open air in a sufficiently large expanse of land. The guest list would not exceed 100-125. The people who miss families most are the senior citizens in old age homes. They have successfully raised their families but for some unfortunate reason find themselves in an old age home. To once again give them a taste of family life, a few from an old age home would be invited.  The entire area would be enclosed in Shamiyanas. Light music would be played at slightly louder than whispering volumes so that it merges with the festivity and does not become a nuisance value. Buffets are suited for an office lunch or for a restaurant but not for a family & friends dinner. Personal service is a must.

On entrance, after walking a few feet into the shamiyana, the guests would hit a dead end with cross roads on either side; one would look to be leading to the exit and other one into the party area. Obviously, the guests would choose the second path but after passing through a maze would find themselves going back to the parking lot. This would wake them up to the party’s theme “MADY”. On entering again through the correct path☻, they would be welcomed with a glass of sugarcane juice with a dash of pepper.

There is nothing better than beginning a dinner on a healthy note, never mind what you gobble later. To begin with, the guests would get liberal servings of Moong Salad and Kosamberi. Vegetarian starters would be in the form of Achari Paneer and Ladies Finger Fry while the non vegetarian palate would be served with Lemon Chicken, Keema Balls and Crab Fry. Bread would be in the form of Butter Naan and Kulcha. Curry has to be spicy otherwise for me it is a dessert. However, keeping in view varied tastes, vegetarian curry would be Dal Bukhara and Ennai Kathirrikai whereas the non vegetarian ones would be Butter Chicken, Chicken Chettinad and Chettinad Mutton Curry. A party based on Indian food without Biryani is like Kashmir without the snow capped mountains. To avoid any cause for such ridicule, there would be Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani and Mutton Dum Biryani. For the vegetarians, there would be Vegetable Biryani and Peas Pulav. Rasam has great digestive properties. If Europeans give a soup at the beginning to stimulate appetite, we give Rasam at the end to stimulate digestion. Here again, we have proved our forethought because digesting what you have eaten is of paramount importance. Thus, the penultimate serving would be White Rice and Rasam. Desserts would round off the party and they would be in the form of Jodhpur Moong Dal Halwa and Tender Coconut Water Payasam. Paan’s customary presence at the end would be ensured.

As far as entertainment is concerned, I would refrain from the usual antakshari, musical chairs, etc. There should be something which excites the families and also gives them a different perspective about each other. Have you ever wondered, mothers are so desperate to see their sons married? They will turn Earth upside down to get the best bride but once he is married and happy, they get jealous and the never ending Mother-in-Law [MiL] and Daughter-in-Law[DiL] battle begins. If only they learnt to live like mother and daughter, most nuclear families would never get created and many old age homes would go out of business. More often than not, a MiL and DiL never understand each other like and dislikes. To facilitate this, I have come up with KYSoB (Know Your Saans or Bahu) wherein they would separately be asked five questions about each other likes, dislikes, favourite food, color, holiday spot, etc and cross checked with the other to find the compatibility. Hopefully, they appreciate the common points and understand each other’s diverse interests. Couples have problems with each other because one does not realise how irritating he or she behaves in certain situations. To project this irritating attitude in a humorous way, there would be a contest wherein wife would mimic the husband and vice versa in typical situations. The judges would be the couples themselves. The winners would be given gift hampers of products from Kitchens of India by the specially invited senior citizens. After the party, the guest would be personally seen off by me and my family.

P.S: Dear relatives and friends, never ever expect such a treat from me, this is basically written for Kitchen’s of India contest. It took me a lot of magnanimity to imagine being so generous J J ☺.

Indians are truly an affectionate lot

We Indians overwhelm our relatives and friends with affection. Being affectionate to our dear and near is as important as Elnino is to monsoon; as fast food is to health; as candle light marches are to affirmative action and as a bride is to the continuance of a joint family. There is no occasion in which we won’t go out of our way to indulge in PDA (no it is not Public Display of Affection but Pungent Display of Affection). Rules, common sense, aptness all these are passé when we want to indulge in PDA.

                Have you been to a diagnostic centre and found the place overflowing? If you decided to come later, you are a dummy to this PDA. Just wait and very soon you will find a battalion storming out of place and only one of them would have come for blood sugar test. We stretch this PDA beyond limits to the point where even a stone would seethe with anger, when one our loved ones by quirk of fate get into an ICU. More important than the patient getting well or other patients recovering, is our urge to show our faces to the relative in question (literally!!!), enquire his welfare and most importantly share with him/her our disastrous tidbits on his/her ailment.

                We love our children so much. We want them to enjoy all that we could not do so in our younger days and to ensure that we are ready to break any rule in the book. We want our children to mature fast, stand on their feet at the earliest and most importantly drive their own vehicles. We believe our under-aged son/daughter is very capable and the moron who fixed the minimum age limit for driving a vehicle had no idea of their capabilities. That explains why you find kids who have barely reached middle school driving a two wheeler? We don’t mind paying all the fees that is required to be paid, to make our kids an engineer or a doctor, never mind, even if he or she wants to be a priest or a chef. We love to adorn our daughters with jewels and let them walk on the street.

                We believe in all conceivable extensions of the adage `families that eat together, stay together’. This explains why dozen of family/friends walk together on the road in a horizontal line. After all, family/friends that walk together stay together. Another extension of this adage is that a family that never misses a call finds bliss. Now you know, why we answer a call wherever, whenever we receive it and hardly keep a phone on silent mode. We also believe in travelling without being separated which explains why five people travel on a two wheeler or ten in a four wheeler. In a queue, we cannot see any of our loved ones standing far behind us and we beckon them near us, unmindful of all the morons standing behind.

                When it comes to celebrations, we go out of way to display grandeur and make the guests most comfortable. We don’t mind pitching tents bang in middle of the road for days or for that matter playing music at cacophonic volumes during unearthly hours. We force food down the throat of a loved one in a function to prove our affection. We have to burst crackers for every celebration, never mind the chaos created.

                These are few of the PDA which I can think of. Sky is the limit when it comes to Indians and PDA.

Bangalore for Women - A Times of India/ Indiblogger meet

Recently I attended a meet organized by Indiblogger and The Times of India on the topic `Bangalore for Women’. I have attended four meets organized by Indiblogger and this was the best, only for the opinions that came out. More than a few expressed their opinions about safety of women in Bangalore and one of them made me ashamed of Bangalore. The Bangalore, which I was brought up in, had immense respect for women. House owners always preferred girl tenants because unlike boys they don’t create any problems for the neighbours, and in this case this girl was evicted in the middle of a night, just because she dared to complain against a psycho who stalking her. What sort of heartless person is that owner? He is a bigger criminal in this issue than the psycho who was stalking her. I can only bow my head in shame before this young girl, for the hurt and anguish caused to her by a few insensitive citizens of my city.

Once Bangalore was a sleepy city and there used to be hardly any movement of people after 9 pm. I still recall once when I had to pay fees for ICWAI course in N.R. Colony, Basavanagudi and missed the last bus. I decided to walk back home which was 25 kms away. I did narrate this incident in the meet and you can read all about this here. Ever since the IT/BT story came to Bangalore, the city never sleeps. You can always see a young girl waiting in the middle of the night for her office cab or returning home at an early hour. Everything seemed fine until Pratibha Murthy, a BPO employee was raped and murdered by her taxi driver. A huge hue and cry was raised about protection of working women, especially those who have to travel late nights or early morning. As is the case with all hypes, this too died down. Still I see on my morning walk, girls returning alone in a cab. Nobody takes the responsibility; neither the always dormant Government; nor the software bosses who always have comments on functioning of the Government but never realise that charity and clarity begins at home; nor the Press which when such an incident happens highlights the issue to hilt and later puts it to rest when another issue becomes the burning topic. The rapist and killer of Pratibha Murthy meanwhile has got away with a life punishment. CALL ME BARBARIC, ANYBODY WHO RAPES AND KILLS A WOMAN HAS TO BE HANGED AND THIS HAS TO TAKE PLACE WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF SUCH AN INCIDENT. THE ONLY EVIDENCE IN A RAPE CASE SHOULD BE THE DNA TEST AND NOTHING BEYOND THAT. THERE SHOULD BE NO PROVISION FOR A MERCY PETITION FOR SUCH AN ANIMAL. AS FAR AS A RAPIST WHO DOES NOT KILL, HE MUST BE GIVEN LIFE IMPRISONMENT WITH SOLITARY CONFINEMENT AND SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO MEET HIS FAMILY OR ANYBODY. THERE SHOULD BE NO HUMAN RIGHTS FOR A RAPIST.

Yet another lady had complained about ladies seat being occupied by men. Sorry girls, this is not an ideal world, raise your voice, rankle a few guys and the change will set in. I have seen ladies from lower strata of the society fight for their seat in a public bus but not the educated ones. If what is rightfully yours is not given to you, learn to snatch it. Why not start a campaign on the social media `Get you’re a*** out of my seat’? Good news for girls travelling in buses, BMTC has recently lodged a campaign to book men who sit in seats reserved for women. The BMTC has an excellent complaint mechanism and you should lodge your complaints to ensure that this campaign is continued.

There was also a lady who narrated how she dealt with sexual harassment at work place. Take a bow Madamji, we require more ladies like you at work place. The best punishment for a guy who indulges in sexual harassment at work place would be to conduct the inquiry in presence of his family members. Inclusion of such a provision itself would put off many an office swine.

Trafficking of women was one topic which was never discussed in the meet. Here, I would like to point out that the print media carries classified advertisements about seedy massage parlours; friendship clubs and at time escort services. Will any newspaper’s finances crumble, if they stop carrying these advertisements?

I am appalled at the fact that after speaking so much about respect for women in the society, I enjoy item songs; dance to their beats and call up radio stations to play them. Do you also indulge in such hypocracy? I hope not.

A girls dress cannot be blamed for a rape. If dress is the reason for a rape, why do Dalit women who go fetch water, covered from head to toe get gang raped? The blame and shame for a rape or sexual harassment or trafficking or eve teasing is not on the girl but only on the man who indulges in such acts.

One last piece of advice for the girls at the risk of being called a MCP please be aware of the city you are staying; safe hours to move around; safe modes of transport and most importantly the unsafe spots. This is not to curb your freedom but please understand that your family and the society depend on you for its progress. There is no point in your precious life being lost to the designs of a barbaric just because you were not a little more aware.

Bangalore Autorickshaws Principles of Movement

Bangalore Autorickshaw principles of movement or Autocracy

People criticise Auto drivers in Bangalore. All these are false and baseless. You have to just understand the Autorichsaw principles of motion and once you understand that, COMMUTING in Bangalore with the HELP of Autorickshaws is the HEALTHIEST. Here are the principles of Autocracy:-

a. This principle applies for a distance of 3 kms. If you want to travel more than 3 kms, reapply the principles from point b or concur with points at e and f.

b. Walk a distance from your house to the main road because Autorickshaws’ don’t come to inner roads. The chances of finding an auto is 0.5% and the chances of him wanting to go in the opposite direction of your destination is 75%.

c. Skip the autos in the stand; you should understand it is a STAND  not GO. There are 95% chances that the Auto Pilot will give you a nasty stare for disturbing his intellectual conversation with co-pilots.

d. Walk further, if you find an auto standing for no reason, don’t disturb him, either he is having a nap after a day of hardly any work or chatting on the mobile. There are 87%  chances that he won’t even stare at you.

e. Walk along, if you find any auto just meandering along, put your hand out and gesture him to stop. There are 56% chances he will agree to come to your destination but the chance of him demanding 3 times the fare is 99%.

f. Walk further, you will find an auto driver ready to come to any destination you ask him to. There are 78% chances that his auto meter will outdo Ussain Bolt.

g. Ignoring him move further and you will find an auto driver who is polite, honest and service oriented, the chances of which are 3% but he will be of no use to you since you have already walked 3 kms.

If you skip point e and f subject to the condition that point g does not happen, you will be the most healthiest individual around.

The Three Gulibles And A Sermon On Marriage

Public Notice

No scissors/ gum sticks were used during the writing of this blog either physically or virtually.

Statutory Warning

You may forget to laugh at a joke after reading this piece of writing

Disclaimer (for the benefit of fundamentalists/secularists/right and left wing sympathizers of the institution called Marriage)

The writer of this blog has a successful and happy married life. He does not have anything against marriage and cracks jokes on marriage because only he can crack jokes only on marriage. This conversation with his friends is imaginary but not fictitious. I believe in the Tamil saying ` Yaam petra inbam peruga ivvaiyagam’ - Let this world bequeath the pearls of my wisdom and keep spreading my knowledge among eligible bachelors about the fun in marriage but none seems to listen. It’s with the intention of making understand would-be-grooms, this concept; I have documented this sermon of mine.

 Anybody who has known me for any length of time (exceeding three months)  either in real life or through social media (not including bus conductors, traffic cops, ATM security guards and a certain Mark Zuckerberg) would readily acknowledge that most of my jokes are based on wives/wife’s (I have only one and no more). I hardly used to crack a joke BM (before marriage) on marriage but AM (now don’t ask what AM means? If you do so this blog will become invisible) jokes come at a steady pace. As rightly said by me in one of my status updates “Every man should get married because only marriage can bring the philosopher or the joker out of him” and in my case it has been the joker, because the only philosophical thought I can conjure is, the sun that rises must set.

 I have been part of a wonderful book club for the past 2 years and they like everybody else have been the victims of my crass jokes on wives/wife’s. As always there’s no dearth of gulibles in the crowd, so was the case with this book club and I found three viz., Aram, the intellectual; Karthik, the elegant and Sukhdeep, the subtle. These guys were highly impressed by my gyan on marriage and wanted to know in detail about it. Well, if somebody offers you free snacks and tea in a trendy coffee shop, who would not agree and why would I not agree?

On a Saturday evening, we met up at a café for a sermon by me on marriage, to the “The Three Gullibles”. The café is part of a collectibles showroom and the stairs leading to it seem to be straight out of the den of a 1970’s Bollywood don. Before I could reach the café, Aram was already there. I got to sit on a tall uncomfortable chair. The lounge table was so low that had it been any lower, I would have removed it and asked the waiter to serve us on the floor itself. Possibly cafes have such furniture to create patients for orthopedicians or chase customers within a reasonable period of time. However, the youngsters who frequent such cafes seem to be hell bent upon making the orthopedician rich. I had neither of the ideas and hence shifted to a more comfortable chair. After exchanging pleasantries, we tried calling Karthik and Sukhdeep. I was rather flummoxed since Karthik stays a few yards away, how could he get late? The problem with staying near a venue is you have the license to get late. Soon Karthik came up the stairs flashing his million dollar smile and I wondered in my mind `Why do men with great smiles get married? Is it to turn grumpy and bald? ’

Karthik after settling down and ordering his quota of fill began by asking `Bala, I have heard that marriage is a lifelong bond and you crack so many jokes about this divine relationship, what is the truth?’

I, sipping the elaichi tea and munching away the French fries, replied with a dead pan expression `True, Karthik, Marriage is a lifelong bond but the definition has changed with times. Marriage has become a perpetual EMI; if you try to terminate it, your EMI increases and if your love bears fruit, the EMI again increases. It all boils down to whether you want to start the EMI or not?’

Aram asked me like a quiz master `what about the much famed romance in marriage?’

I was expecting this question but did not expect it to come so early. Men will be men, always fall prey to licensed carnal pleasure seeking. I could not control but smile sarcastically at Aram and reply `Romance in marriage is like salary from a job. You will get enough to survive but what you get lasts  only for a few days and after that you have to keep swiping your credit card till the next one’, winked at him and ended by saying `hope you can read between the lines’

Soon we were joined by Sukhdeep who had travelled quite a distance to reach the meet. He apoIogised for his delay and I welcomed him by saying `It is ok now but remember after marriage, only your wife has the right to get late’.

Sukhdeep joined the conversation by firing at me the question `After marriage, your relation base increases. Is that not a positive development?’

 Another compulsive trapping for a man to get married but it is only after a decade he realises that his own friends and relation base has shrunk like a deflated balloon. However, being a harried and harassed husband, I have the underlying responsibility to increase my club membership and hence kept back this secret from the Three Gulibiles and gave a scientific reply `most of them are related-ions and a majority of them are negative’

Aram screeched into the conversation, like a two wheeler would do in busy traffic and asked `is it for nothing our elders say that being a bachelor is living life on the edge?’.

 I was taken aback by this question. It is such questions which make me realise how entrenched is the need to get married in our society. Society has equated this ritual with air, water and food or possibly even bigger than the three of them. I cannot bite the dust in front of three guys who looked up to me or looked down on me (whatever as long they pay the café bill). I laughed shrilly more out of fear than contempt for his question, turned aside to hide my emotions and bingo the local authorities misdeed came to my rescue, a pit dug up for some work and left unclosed. If you think I decided to jump into it, you are wrong. I turned to Aram and said in a funny tone `Living in the edge is ok but how about living in a deep gorge. Getting off the edge is physically and mentally an easier task than getting out of a deep gorge’. They say in misadventures, the most unplanned action saves the day. Aram fell for this missive and hereafter it was all about how I am going to dominate him?

It was now Karthik’s turn to have an emotional go at me ` I stay alone in the city away from my family and nobody is there to take care of me. My family wants me to get married so that I have an emotional company and also the house becomes a home’.

I remembered the same dialogue was said to me by my mother 13 years ago, when I said I was not ready to get married. Till date, I have not seen one application form that asks for home address, all of them ask only for house address or residential address. Maybe there is something that the guys’ who frame application forms know that parents don’t know when they decide to push their children into marriage.

The problem of being a guru is you can’t writhe too much in your emotional flashbacks and hence I came back to the present and with a sigh replied `Karthik, do you keep your wifi connection open because you are feeling lonely or do you stick to the same job for years because you like the tea that is made in the cafeteria, obviously you don’t. The same is with getting married. You can make home out of your house by arranging your things or just by drawing a rangoli in front of it. If required, you can learn to cook by yourself, understand the best cook in our mythology is Bheema not Sita or Draupadi. Gandhiji cut his hairs by himself, emulate him and be free’

Karthik was still not convinced and asked `what about the fact that homemade food is the healthiest?’

 I asked `do you know the reason why homemade food is the healthiest?’

As the three gestured at my in anticipation, I replied `because you can never have too much of it’

All of us burst out laughing and now each one of them opened up their fears of getting married, Aram started by asking `I heard most women dominate their husbands, is it true?’

Now that I was in a dominant position, there was no need to give a detailed answer, I replied `Even Hitler knew this, that’s why he got married only two days before his death’

Sukhdeep `is it really difficult to understand a woman’s mind?’

I replied him, while updating on Facebook the answer I gave Aram `They have more moods than colors in a paint chart; more fluctuations in moods than the stock market; more emotional baggage than coaches in a long distance train; more fine print in emotions than in a discount sale advertisement and most importantly more bags than you can carry after their shopping trysts’.

Aram `one last question, are you a hen pecked husband?’

As they were sharing the bill, I got up to leave and said `I am a hen kicked husband and better reach home early so that my weekend is not lost in getting kicks’.

I presume I convinced them that marriage is an adventure worth pursuing. Hope soon the weeding cards will roll out and also an opportunity for me to savor a dinner at their cost, literally  :p.

The HP Indiblogger Meet in Bangalore

This was my third Indibloggers meet.  I have been on Indiblogger   from a long time but never attended an Indiblogger meet till the Surf Excel one. Enroute I picked up my friends Aram Bhusal and Praveen Kumar and we drew together to the venue. We reached early and went out to for a quick munch in the restaurant nearby. After completing the registration formalities, we sat in the same place.  After an awesome Guitar performance and a song, Anoop, the host for the event asked us to sit apart from our friends and introduce ourselves to the persons seated in the table. Thus I met Mithun and Meena. This arrangement is unique and should be followed in all the meets to come because it gives you a chance to interact with co-bloggers.

Next was 30 seconds of fame and Anoop asked us to imitate our favorite personality/character and I introduced myself and said that my favorite personality is “Dr Manmohan Singh”, that was it  I did not have to speak any further and for keeping mum I got a flash drive. So silence at times pays :P.

Next was the barcode scanning from a cardboard sheet which had one third of a proverb and we had to find the remaining two.  I got nowhere in this round or possibly the two remaining portions of the sentence never got distributed. However, it was one more good opportunity to interact with co-bloggers. Everybody screaming out their part of sentence and trying to find their match, it almost resembled the stock market in the 80’s and 90’s!

Then it was the miming session, we got the theme of “Lord of the Rings”. Mithun was our director and by the time we could get into the act, somebody from audience guessed the name of the movie and that was it. Somewhere in between we had high tea and also posed for some crazy snaps. I, Aram and Praveen posed for a yawning pose. The spring rolls were awesome as were the Gulab Jamoons.

Next on agenda was a presentation from HP, sponsors of the event. It was great to know that you can order cartridge online and that it would be delivered to you in six hours flat. I also came to know the disadvantages of using a refilled cartridge. We have to learn to use originals instead of fakes. Affordability is a factor but that does not give anybody a sanction to use a fake. All said and done, the obsolescence of products has rapidly increased which at times forces us to cheaper varieties. This is so in the case of computers and mobiles. After a year or so, you find it difficult to find batteries for your existing mobile. It is such experiences make you want to  go in for a cheaper brand mobile. Thus, manufacturers have to ensure that when a customer buys a product, the spares are assured for the next 3 to 4 years. Cheap brands and fakes are a big threat to the economy and society as a whole. It is the responsibility of both consumers and manufacturers to fight it together.

Then there was a Q&A session, with the questions being given by the audience themselves, another uniqueness of Indiblogger meet. There was this question “Why this Kolaveridi?” and a certain dark middle aged guy said “ After 12 years of marriage, this is the only question I can ask my wife” and Anoop virtually ran to pick a printer for him. Well, that proves how much of a harassed lot husbands are :P.  The claps this guy got was resounding. For those of you who don’t know him, cracking jokes on marital life is the best he can do and his friends on Facebook will vouch for that.  If you can’t believe what I said just read this blog of his

http://balu036.blogspot.in/2012/10/satire-facebook-status-updates-by-me-on.html

This guy’s jokes have been responsible for many a bachelor staying unmarried.  Unmarried guys please stay away from this anti-marriage activist.

At the end of it all, we had a great photo session and it was time to say bye and we will meet again. Bye folks!

A compliation of crass and pathetic 21/12/2012 jokes posted by me

Mayans had predicted end of the world on 21/12/2012. Obviously, it was a prank played by some cave guys on our generation. The amount of jokes it generated should make Mayans proud of their innocent prank. Well, there were a lot of good jokes on the apocalypse theory. Then there were my jokes, absolutely crass and pathetic posted on my Facebook Page Satire Sense . I have compiled them, but I am quite confident that at the end of reading this, you would feel that it would have been better if ,the world had come to  an end.

Will Apple maps work correctly atleast if Mayan Calendar comes true :-P

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Technical clarification from Mayans

Our calendar ends today destruction begins tommorow, TC :-P :-P

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A 21 gun salute to the Mayans who sold us the 21st December doomsday theoroy :-P :-P

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It will end... the rationalists can do nothing about it.
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I meant 2012 :-P

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Mayan's lacked finnese, otherwise their calendar would have ended on 20/12/2012 :-P

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Mayans must have been stody bosses, otherwise why would they end the world on a weekend :-P:-P

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Mayan's were the first fans of reality shows, otherwise they would never believed in this grand finale end :-P:-P:-P

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Those who have lots of money have to worry about the world ending, I have a lots of loans, so it might well end :p

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An optimistic superstitionist,is one who will search for one more calendar, post 21/12/2012, which predicts end of Earth:-P:-P:-P

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Weekend end

next weekend world end :-P:-P:-P

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Most likely status update by me on 21/12/2012 at 21:12:12 "Damn, it is better that world ends than driving on moon crater like Bangalore roads" :-P

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Most unlikely status update by me on 21/12/2012 "caught in a huge wave, it is about to splash me away" :p

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Guys and Gals, this is the last weekend you will be spending in prosperity, next weekend it is going to be 21/12/2012 :P

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All those who believe in the Mayan Calendar, please transfer the credit balance in your bank a/c to me on or before 20/12/2012. :-P:-P:-P

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21st December 2012 is a Friday, so the beginning of the end is going to begin on a weekend :P

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A dirty reminder 21/12/2012 is less than a month away :P

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How I got to comb like Shashi Kapoor?

As a young boy my father never let me grow long hairs. My father was quite certain that a youngster who has long hairs would never grow up to be a disciplined and intelligent person. Alas! He did not live long enough to see that I am neither despite having short hairs as an youngster. Thus, haircut was a monthly but disgusting exercise for me. The moment it would reach styling stage, I would be taken to a particular barber the very next Sunday and the undisciplined growth would be done away with.  I used to pray that the offending growth would start on a Monday so that atleast till Saturday I could continue styling my hair. I was in awe of the way Shashi Kapoor combed his hair. Alas! That never happened and maybe one of the first reasons why I got suspicious about the existence of God.

By the by, the saloon was named as`New Royal Hair Dressers’. There was nothing royal about that place, it had a few old wooden benches and an equally disgusting long table on which I was made to sit for a haircut. The barber himself was so old that I used to think he should have given Robert Clive’s army many a haircuts. Such a stooge he was, he would ensure that that the growth of hair was razed to the ground. No wonder! My father used to drag me and my brother to a hair cut only to him. The saloon was very close to the railway track and how many times I had hoped that a train would skip its track and run into the saloon when the barber was inside it.

I was the constant subject of ridicule amongst my classmates for the short hairs I had but none of those taunts passed through MIS (Mother Information Systems) to my father got me any relief. I was resigned to a life from a very young age of not disturbing the comb and now that I am forty plus, with hair disappearing rapidly, very soon the comb will take its final leave from me.

During winter seasons (Bangalore used to be cold at that time during winters), I was forced to wear monkey caps during night time to keep myself warm. (Now don’t ask me, was it called a monkey cap just because people like me wore it?). Wearing the monkey cap meant little strands of hairs used to be standing up in the morning when the cap was removed and flattening them was a next to impossible task. Not flattening them and going to school was never an option because it meant more taunts from my friends. I used to apply coconut oil, water to bring down the  `erection’. Even when the hairs were grown , they never used to sit consistently as it was combed. My obdurate Granny used to remark, this is a sure sign that he will never settle into a family life and here I am a very obedient husband. How wrong these superstitions are!

It was in such a scenario, when I was studying in 7^th standard my elder brother purchased an imported Hair Dryer. I had no idea what a hair dryer could do except overheard the fact that it can style hair. It was a Wednesday and my hairs had grown long enough to be razed down the coming Sunday. This was my best chance to go to school  with my favorite “Shashi Kapoor” style. I got up the next day, had a bath, went in front of the mirror, applied a lot of coconut oil and combed my hair in my favorite “Shashi Kapoor” style and asked my brother to put on the dryer, so that hair could set well. The entire household was laughing their guts out. Finally, my elder brother controlled his laughter and told me that a hair dryer can only dry little water on the hair and not oil. I was feeling abashed but my mother comforted me and asked me to skip school, have a head bath and stay at home. When my father came back from office, the incident was narrated, he too laughed it off and realizing the fact that  now I was an adolescent, let me grow my hairs for a longer period of time. The gap between two haircuts was increased to two months. Finally! I could comb my hair like `Shashi Kapoor’.

This blog is a part of the  Perfect Straight Hair by Lakme contest on  http://www.indiblogger.in

A sarcastic poem on the Bangalore Auto Driver

Bangalore auto driver moves like king of streets

In the middle of the road, abruptly he turns

To find an elusive passenger, blocking traffic he glides

Listening to his favorite music he swirls across the road like pikes

For many it is not about the passenger

It is not about the fare

It is not reaching someone somewhere

It is all about chatting with friends without a care

Request, plead or urge him to come there

With disdain looks like a maharaja of the yore

He will with his eyes suggest what  a sore

And continue with his snore

There are a obliging few

Their fare meters are as honest and resolute as the morning dew

There is no rhyme or rhythm in its upward move

Before you realise you have pledged a fortune.

The facilities he expects from the Goverment are royal

The language he uses is diabolical

Honk your way  is his moral.

When he hits your vehicle, it is normal

When you hit his vehicle, his tribe, surrounds you like a mongrel

Somebody stop this three wheeled malice

Metro, mono or an improved BMTC will suffice 

Satire Facebook status updates by me on Marriage and Love

A compilation of status updates on Facebook posted by me about marriage and love. This is what you do when you run out blog ideas. Anyhow enjoy it if you have taken the trouble to read this blog.

Friend 1 : There is total consensus in every decision made at my home.
Friend 2: Great, your wife is such a nice lady
Friend1: No, she always makes the decision and I have to always give the consent :p :p :p"

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If there were no memories, there would be no poems, novels, pshycatrists and most importantly Mr. Mallya will be in serious financial trouble :p" **** "Everytime I see a guy getting married, I am happy that there will be one more pleasantly tortured guy on the streets :p" **** "How to understand a woman? That book is written in 800 words The book first asks you what language you know and becomes legible in the language you have no idea about Eg for a chinese in telugu :-P" **** "If in a jewellery/garment shop, you find a guy in casuals, staring at nothing, you can take it for granted that he is married and patiently waiting for his wife  to make her choice :-P:-P:-P" *** "What sort of husband a girl hopes for? An Idol like behaved guy but who is not Idle and earns more than an Ideal income has lot of idle time to  idolise her attitudes. now tommorrow no Idlis for me If my wife sees this :p" *** Guys, your wife may not know Karate or Judo but sure she knows how to aim the rolling pin at you :-P:-P:-P" *** "If your dreams dont motivate you, let your nightmare do that and if both dont, get married.:-P:-P" *** The guy who said "All good things have to come to an end " obviously had his bachelorhood in mind :-P:-P:-P" *** "Dont laugh at your wife's choice because one of them is you, ofcourse you can get angry at her :p" *** "Home made food is healthy because you can’t have too much of it:-P:-P:-P:-P" *** "An intelligent husband is one who knows to say "No"  when his wife says "you like it". : :p ***     "I don't know how men forget their anniversaries, how can you forget the day when you became a willing victim :p :p :p :p"   ***   Every man should get married, only marriage can get the philosopher or humourist  out of you :-P:-P:-P" ***   "Marriage is the perfect example for how Pavlov's effect works :P" *** "Boy "I love you more than my life" Girl "Ok, how much are you insured for?"" *** "love is the biggest blunder one can commit." *** All woman hate make up, dieting, so how come cosmetic companies, dieticians are growing ? :-P"

My facebook profile is https://www.facebook.com/balu.a.m