Happy Birthday Aamir Khan

Today I attempted waking up 25 times, trying to get up at exact 75°. Then I exhausted my new toothpaste tube trying to squeeze out 5gms of toothpaste exactly. Then I spent 2 litres of petrol trying to start the car with the apt cranking sound. Why was I obsessed with this perfection, then I realised it was Aamir Khan's birthday

A Mistaken Collection Of Funny Poems

What Was A Mistake?

It was a mistake to assume

At 15, grades meant knowledge.

At 20, a good job meant life.

At 25, marriage meant bliss.

At 30, a pledged home meant asset.

At 35, driving a car meant pride

At 40 plus, my poetries amuse people

What is a Mistake?

Be bothered about the glass than quench your thirst.

To say err is human and worry about six sigma

To assume grass is greener on the other side, standing in a desert.

Get married and accept that it takes two for an argument

Queue up for a free offer and say there are no free lunches in the world

Reluctantly leave office in the wee hours and claim there is no place like home.

Wax about the early bird that catches the prey and claim better late than never

 Entrust your future to an orator and understand that empty vessels make more sound

To say democracy is by the people and quell & sedate dissent.

Was it a Mistake?

My Friends said propose to your girl on the banks of a body of water

With a card, words of love and a bunch of flower.

God only knows, when I did, why she reacted like an angry clover

I gave her my ration card, a cauliflower and in front of a gutter

With romantic words, if not interested, give it to your sister.

It Was A Mistake

Instead of the brake, to press the accelerator

To believe, right turn becomes left, in reverse gear.

Insist on checking air pressure, in the steering wheel.

To confess to my wife, that she is the better driver.

Funny Poetries On `Who Am I"?

They said the theme is `Who am I?’

I thought about it, till my grey cells went dry

Inside my soul everything is grey, sleazy and full of greed

I said to myself, if I have to say, WTF – What to Fake.

 I said to myself, WTF – Why Try and Fail

I decided to describe myself, front to hind.

I shall exercise discretion

So here goes the description

Scalp sparsely populated, the few available strands coloured.

Inside the scalp near vacuum

Eyes which never lie but full of sty

Ears which welcome complimentary stuff, to taunts they turn deaf.

Face Oily, Nose twiddly and Tongue loves it spicy

Neck lengthy, spondylosis its best buddy

Spine twisted, never in the presence of boss it is straightened.

Heart, full of sleaze, greed, and treachery.

Stomach ever ready, to devour a biryani.

Here, I shall exercise my discretion

Knees which are weak, creak and tweak in motion.

Feets which are very fleet, to run across the street, when wife comes to beat.

My inside story is mediocre

I’m hollow at the core

No six pack to make me a cynosure

You can now wake up from your snore

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Whom Am I?

One Question which will never get an honest answer

Never a question pleases anyone

Definitely not this one

Breathtaking it would be, if a pilot asked it mid-air.

Heart stopping it would be, if a surgeon asked it after opening a patient’s skull.

Refreshing it would be, if elected representatives asked themselves.

Soul slapping it would be, if freedom of speech walked up and asked those who get offended with it.

Fitting it would be, if calf asked the self appointed sons and daughters of `Gau Mata’.

Catastrophic it would be, Catastrophic it would be

If a husband angrily asked at the end of his wife’s shopping voyage.

A Compilation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives That Nobody Will Laugh (Part III)

After marriage, a girl from being a Miss becomes a Mrs.

Boy from Dude to Dud..

You cheat God thousands of times.

But God is so kind, 
He doesn't punish you everytime..

He just gets you MARRIED.

Marriage, Marriage, the longest surviving mirage.
Nowdays it begins as garden of urge, later becomes a ring of umbrage
Having babies is the default result
Rearing them is the life long effect.
Remaining committed is the vow
Doing so in devil’s paradise is the woe.
Like my relatives and unlike yours is a couple’s mantra
Commenting adversely on them is the agenda
Mutual distrust is what they share
Ego massaging is what they care
Marriage, Marriage, the long surviving mirage
Arranged or love, without emotional bondage
It turns an emotional sacrilege

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My wife is a strong believer of Vastu Shastra.
Whenever we have a fight,
she lifts any "Vastu" and
uses it as a "Shastra"...

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All you need is love and a good fat income to keep the love going.

Girl : Who is more beautiful, me or the full moon?

Boy: Definitely you my darling.

Girl : tell me the reason or I shall not be flattered

Boy: Ok, your face is more smoother than the moon' s surface

Moral : Dont search reason in a flaterring remark or you may be faultered.

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.A key to a successful married is both husband and wife should be patient, if either one of them is impatient.....

the husband lands up an in-patient .

LG to make smart fridges which will detect stale food. Husbands will finally get to eat fresh food.

When you fall in love, dont worry about failure, because you cant fail any further.

Facebook is a female, that is why it has provision only for likes.

 Having an ex-flame is ok, as long as you have doused the fire properly.

A Compliation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives Nobody Will Laugh At (Part II)

If my love is a lemon, you're the greased dish

Nothing can make a husband sleep immediately

than the words "i want to talk to you"

Husbands are not disappointed with flipkart sale, they are used to it.

A husband trying to make his wife see reason is as impossible as trying to throw a stone into the sky, if anything it comes back, it’s to hit him hard.

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Married men are not cartoons, they are puppets.

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Bachelors have break-ups once a while
Married men don't have broken bones once a while.

The flip side of being a humorist is after a length of time even your typos seem to people as a joke. Guess same thing happens in marriages too, after a few years even a romantic look seems to be an angry stare

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It’s easy to spot a married man at the store alone. He’s the one with a look of terror in his eyes that he’ll pick the glue stick instead of yoghurt.

A real man is one who has complete freedom in his home
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to hide anywhere when his wife is looking for him..

Husbands are much like Wallmart customers, they accept what is dished out to them.

The guy who coined the phrase "and they lived happily thereafter" was never married. .

SMILE after marriage means Simply Making It Look Exciting..

Drone technology should be used very carefully, least some wife uses it to punch her husband having a drink with his friends..

Food in a flight is like sex in marriage, never enough but no other option‪..

Every couple should grandly celebrate their wedding anniversaries, otherwise you know what we do the remaining 364 days..

Practice makes a man perfect

So what about women.
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The guy who said this was a married guy who once asked his wife to improve her cooking and realised the consequences. .

South Indian marriages are as exciting as a slow motion scene which lasts for 2 hours…

All those couples who got married or will get married on April 1 have a great sense of humour.

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A woman on a shopping spree is the biggest oxymoron, it should be shopping evolution.

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My Experiments With New Year Resolutions

I.                   My Resolutions

My resolutions are like the hair dye I apply

Never lasts beyond the seventh day

More resolute than the morning dew

Less certain than the pot of gold at end of the rainbow

Legend of flopped resolutions which inspire dear and near never to have one.

Resolutions, Resolutions, every year, yet to fulfill even one.

Rich wish death got my commitment to resolutions

Poor would do well if their sufferings met the fate of my resolutions.

To watch more TV, eat junk food and to read less

Such a resolution may find salvation.

A clean country and a tolerant society

Not worrying about what I eat or write

To never say might is right or vice-versa

Never part of the new year resolutions of anyone in the country

II.   Fate of my resolutions

Once I resolved no longer road rage

No more the abuses and slur.

The muscular guy who overtook me curtly

Said the four letter word and drew away.

I smiled, it’s okay, I’m not gay.

The next guy showed me his middle finger.

I dismissed the resultant anger

Because it neither impressed me

Nor was in any real danger

Mind you both the times I was following the rule

Impressed with my patience, I was in praise of my attitude

I put the right indicator and took the free left.

A gentleman behind me politely reminded I’m breaking the rule

Then started my string of abuse.

III.           Why I don’t ask others resolution?

I used to poke my nose into others business

I don’t let others to because I have no business

Knowing others New Year resolutions is cool

The urge ended when I was made to look like a fool

When a junior of mine replied `1024 x 768’

Till date, I don’t even ask others what you ate.

A Compilation of Jokes on Marriage and Wives That Nobody Will Laugh (Part I)

All these Jokes are mine. The very fact that you will laugh at none of them proves it.

Male Spouse is the Mouse.

It's time someone put in their wedding card, all kinds of Dal in quantities of 5 kg or more welcome as a gift

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Study revealed,that if women keep Maun varat instead of Karva Chauth varat,men surely will have long life.

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Home made food is healthy because you can never have too much of it. 

A married man should learn to agree, or over his injuries will he have to grieve.

My advice to bachelors

Marriage is not to be feared. Nothing like that, get married only then you will appreciate your parents, teachers, boss, government and even Aliens

Marriages are made in heaven

Thanks! for the warning, next time I'll depart from hell

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Married men fear two things, one their mother in law coming in for a long stay and two, the lady of the house asking for their credit card

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Married & lived happily forever-hahahaha, that's definitely an oxymoron.

They say don't laugh at your wife's choice, you're one of them.

My reply, I've a sense of humour to laugh at myself.

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Don't get married because friends of your age are married

Don't get married because your families want you to

Don't get married because you want company

Don't get married because you want to take care of your biological needs

So why should you get married?
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Get married only because you're feeling jealous at your own happiness. 

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All those who don't get pranked today are already married.

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Advice, on Valentine day hug safe, else learn to change Huggies in a wafe way.

February 13 is kiss day 
This year it's on Friday the 13th, how apt?

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If my love is a novel
You're the printer's devil

Love never changes as they say

When in love

I'm madly in love with you

After marriage

I was mad to fall in love with you

Love must be blind otherwise why would lovers grope each other in the dark

The moon outside is so beautiful, I was standing in the balcony and admiring her.
My wife could not tolerate to see my happy face `What's it you're admiring?"

I said `Poornima' and then flew the missiles from inside

Sataric Verses on Auto Drivers, Stock Markets, Marriage and Inflation

Bengaluru Auto Drivers

Moves like king of streets

Abruptly he turns

For many it’s not about the fare

It’s not about reaching someone somewhere

It is all about chatting with friends without a care

Request or urge him to come there

With looks like a maharaja of the yore

He with his eyes will suggest you are an eye sore

And continue with his snore

 There are a obliging few

meters as honest and resolute as the morning dew

no rhyme or rhythm for its upward move

Before you realise you have pledged a fortune.

Stock Markets

BULLS AND BEARS WE ARE THEY SAY

YOUR MONEY IS WHAT THEY PREY

AT OUR COST, THEY MAKE HAY

THE FUNDAMENTALS ARE STRONG SAID ONE EXPERT

ANOTHER SAID, CHARTS ARE WAITING TO SPURT

INVEST FOR THE LONG TERM SAID MANY

ALL BOOKED THEIR PROFITS AND TOOK MY LAST PENNY

HERE WE ARE THE LAMBS

BELIEVING IN MARGINS AND DERATIVES

NOT READING THE DISCLAIMERS

ONLY BELIEVING IN THE STOCK TIPS

Marriage

Marriage, Marriage, the eternal mirage.

Begins in a garden of urge,

Soon turns into a ring of umbrage

Having babies is the default result

Rearing them is the life-long effect.

Remaining committed is the vow

Doing so in devil’s paradise is the woe.

Like my relatives and unlike yours is a couple’s mantra

Ridiculing each others’ is their agenda

Mutual distrust is what they share

Ego massaging is what they care

Marriage, Marriage, the riveting mirage

Arranged or love, without emotional bondage

becomes a horrible sausage

Inflation

Has no logic or reason

Everyday reduces my ration

Economists say it is good for economy

They speak so to improve their economy.

Inflation is like one’s spouse

Always irritating like a louse.

Some say it is due to increased money supply

For everything, a loan I have to apply

In the grammar of inflation

Dal is the interjection

Saving is the adverb

Apple is eaten only in the proverb.