N+ 1 important reasons with which parents compel their daughters to get married

Important reasons used by parents to coerce their daughters to get married:-

1.       The boy holds a US green card.

2.       This boy’s house is demanding ½ the dowry which the previous one asked for.

3.       The boy’s mother is dead and he has no sisters, things cannot get better for you.

4.       The boy’s father has a lot of property and he is the only son.

5.       I want to marry off, both you and your younger sister before I retire.

6.       If you wait any further, it will be difficult to find a groom.

7.       This is the right age for girls to get married.

8.       He is your uncle’s son; you are bound to marry him.

Reason 9 to N+1,  We can no longer put up with your tantrums and shopping bills, it is time somebody else took on your responsibility :P :D

Dummy's guide to staying single (Part II)

Here are the 13 myths you should overcome, if you want to remain single and happy:

1. Behind every successful man there is a woman
2. Face is the index of mind.
3. Marriage shall double my happiness.
4. She comes from a joint family so she will adjust with my parents and siblings.
5. The girl will come as beautifully dressed, be mild mannered and obedient as she appeared on the first day I saw her.
6. My mother likes her
7. The snacks served to me at her home were all made by her.
8. As a colleague, she always helped me in finishing my presentations.
9. The one day she came to my bachelor’s accommodation, she arranged all the mess.
10. As a girl friend, she laughs and smiles even at my failings.
11. My day turns out to be fabulous every time I see her in the morning.
12. With my positive attitude I will prove that the jokes on marriage are just that.
13. She is employed so she will be realistic in her expectations about her husband.

Dummy's guide to staying single (Part I)

Indian Bachelor's who want to stay happy can follow these to stay happy & be. These are 21 important reasons parents give their son's to get them married. If you can master responses to these you can stay single :-

1.       You are getting old, look at your friends they have school going children.

2.       Get married now, only than your children will be well settled by the time you retire.

3.       Get married so that there is somebody to cook for you when you become old.

4.       I am scared of the girls who are your friends on Facebook.

5.       Grandmother or grandfather is serious and would like to see you married before they die.

6.       I have promised your uncle to bring his daughter to this home as daughter in law.

7.       Your uncle has lot of property, all will be lost if somebody else marries his daughter.

8.       Everybody is asking me why your son is not interested in marriage, is he gay?

9.       I want to see my grandchildren before I die.

10.   That month is the best muhurtam you will get in 20 years.

11.   As per your horoscope, if you don’t get married this year, you can’t get married for the next 10 years.

12.   You require a wife to control your erratic behaviour.

13.   They have agreed to make your sister as their daughter in law if you marry their daughter.

14.   Getting married is the law of nature.

15.   Before you go abroad get married, I want a daughter in law only from our caste.

16.   Hotel food is not good for health.

17.   You are a doctor, she is also a doctor, and you both can start a clinic of your own.

18.   Your great grand uncle went bankrupt because he was unmarried.

19.   I have seen this girl, she suits for our family.

20.   You have a good salary, get married.

21.   I am fed up of taking care of the family, kitchen, etc., I want rest.

Bakrapur to UB City - The Legend of Urban Baba - Chapter 3

previous chapter
http://balu036.blogspot.in/2013/07/bakrapur-to-ub-city-legend-of-urban.html

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION, DON’T LOOK FOR FACTUAL ACCURACIES

Chapter 3The Slaying of AnAsura

When AnAsura heard about Sage Viparyasa’s vow, he laughed it off by saying `what sort of sage he is if continuance of his penance depends on a suraksha chakra? Let him execute his vow, I care a damn about it. I know my death is destined to be caused by the trick of the Devas but before that happens I will scare the shit out of them’.

Soon, a severe battle raged between the Devas and Asuras. This battle was fought in the now Bakrapur which always was a favorite hunting ground for the Asuras. It was a do or die battle for both and the Devas were loosing it badly. AnAsura was a brilliant strategist and he was in his elements during the battle. When at a particular point during the battle Devas were gaining the upper hand, AnAsura ordered his army to scatter and run towards summit of the mountain peak. Though initially puzzled, Devas thought that the Asuras were running for their life and went on a hot pursuit.

The Asura army ran with all its might and reached top of the peak, which was full of big boulders. AnAsura asked his men to push the boulders down with all their might towards the Devas. This gruesome tactic pulverized the Devas army and they had to run hither and thither.  AnAsura taking advantage of the fear that had crept in the enemy’s mind ordered his army to attack from all the four sides. The Devas suffered huge losses and had to beat a hasty retreat when the sun set. The next day the Devas army fought fiercely to keep the Asura army at bay.

While on war campaigns, AnAsura was an egalitarian, he slept and ate with his army. That day after the battle, he had dinner with his Army. It was that day of the week when AnAsura refrained from liquor and his army grudgingly though followed suit. Instead of liquor, at end of the dinner kher used to be served. Asuras were sensing victory and this reflected in the grandness of the dinner. There was a lot of good food; beef; goat and every other creature whose flesh could be eaten. There were a lot of women from, now Bakrapur to satisfy carnal pleasures of the Asura army. They were getting ready for the night ahead.

Dinner was served, it was time for the kher and as it was the norm, AnAsura never consumed a sweet dish before one of his soldiers did so and survived the mandatory time limit for a poison to take effect. The same was ensured on that day also before he and his army had kher. AnAsura was mightily pleased with the taste of kher.  Intentionally during battles, the worst cook was assigned with the task of preparing a sweet dish. AnAsura could not believe that his worst cook had conjured such a heavenly kher. AnAsura got a whiff of suspicion but he dismissed this thought because a solider had already tasted the kher and was still alive. He had one more serving of the Kher but was not satisfied and ordered for one more serving, as he lustily eyed the young girl he had chosen for the night. She looked like a doll that had been given life. AnAsura wondered how beautiful her mother, sisters and aunts would be. He decided that next day he would send a few soldiers and capture all the womenfolk of her family who were in the productive age and enjoy them one by one. As he raised the third bowl of offering to drink it, a strange fragrance spread in the air and a chilling stillness came into the life around him. Ignoring the signs, AnAsura happily thrust the third bowl of kher into his mouth and slowly began to drink it. He tried to lower the bowl from his mouth to catch some breath but it would not budge. It was impossible that a mere earthen bowl could become a burden for the mighty arms of AnAsura.  He let go off the bowl but it would not fall down as it was stuck deep into his mouth. The flow of kher was not stopping and as AnAsura saw from the corner of his eyes; his entire army was having the same problem. What began as a trickle soon became a gushing fountain with every drop getting directed into his mouth. AnAsura realized that he had been duped by the Devas. He was on the verge of collapsing whilst his men had already collapsed. As he was getting inundated with kher, he remembered the time when he meditated to Lord Shiva for immortality. He remembered the boon, the limitation and how all his plans to counter that had now came to a naught.

AnAsura was a great devotee of Lord Shiva. At a very early stage in his life, he realized that Devas were superior to Asuras when it came to deceit.  He decided that attaining immortality would be the only way to win Devas. Lord Shiva was the only god who was favourably disposed towards Asuras and AnAsura decided to seek the boon from him. He embarked upon a rigorous penance to please Lord Shiva.

The Devas did all that was possible to distract AnAsura from his penance. They used strong winds; heavy rains; raging fires; dangerous wild animals; poisonous reptiles; beautiful girls and even an offer of peaceful co-existence if he gave up his penance but nothing budged AnAsura from his penance. Lord Shiva knew what AnAsura would ask, hence, did not appear before him for many years but beyond a point he could not resist giving dharshan. He decided to test AnAsura’s much famed bravery before granting him a boon. Lord Shiva appeared before AnAsura, blessed him and said ` get up AnAsura, what is that you want from me to carry out your evil designs?’

AnAsura was not pleased with the words of Lord Shiva, yet he woke up with all the diligence and replied `God, you know what I want to ask, yet you want me to say that I want the boon of immorality’

`That is not possible, a boon of immortality to an Asura will result in destruction of the three worlds, ask something else’

`I have the army, strength and the riches; I don’t want any of them. I only want the boon of immortality’

` You cannot become immortal, you are born to die at the hands of a Deva, ask for something else’

`You may decide not to grant me the boon of immortality or even kill me at this very moment. If you go away without granting me the boon, I will reduce myself to ashes. The burden of my death will fall on your head. Either you give the boon or fight and kill me’

Shiva’s eyes became red and he stomped his Trishul. The entire surrondings began to shake; birds which had returned to their nests began to fly panic stricken; animals ran crazily; the reptiles went deeper into their holes and fruits began to vaporize but AnAsura stood still staring Lord Shiva eye to eye. The battle of the stares continued for a while and finally Shiva calmed down. He said `Dear child AnAsura, I was testing your bravery and you proved it. I am happy but I cannot give you the boon of immortality. However, I will give you a boon that you will die only during a battle but your death will not happen because of a weapon nor any living form but due to a sweet dish’

AnAsura too knew deep in his mind that it would be next to impossible to get the boon of immortality and this was the best he could get. Before he could agree, he wanted to weaken the possibilities of his death and said `Thank you, oh! Lord Shiva, thank you. I will accept your boon but with two conditions’

`Tell me, what are those conditions, I will grant them without any further ado’

`First, it is only after the third consecutive consumption of a sweet dish that I should die. When I die my soldiers will become orphans and will be tortured by the Devas. Hence, my army should die with me’

Lord Shiva impressed with him, said `so be it’ and disappeared.

AnAsura came back to his kingdom and started his conquest immediately. The Devas knew about the boon that Lord Shiva gave AnAsura and its limitation. They tried to kill AnAsura by poisoning his sweet dish but it did not go beyond the mandatory tasting by a random soldier. To add to their woes was the fact that the worst cook of AnAsura was assigned to cook sweet dishes.  His cooking was so bad that nobody could complete the first serving, leave alone going in for a third serving. Further, Devas could never plant a mole in the camp of AnAsura because the integrity of his men was impregnable.

The flow of kher had become a deluge and AnAsura was nearing his end. He could not even cry at his fate. The kher was overflowing from his body, first it poured out of his nose, then ears and finally through the eyes. The flow of kher kept on increasing and did not stop till his body split into four. AnAsura was killed by the Devas as was his army. The architect of this victory was Viparyasa.

The plan to eliminate AnAsura was hatched by Sage Viparyasa on previous evening of the infamous whacking that Devas got at the hands of AnAsura. Sage Viparyasa put forward his proposal that consisted of two stages to eliminate AnAsura. The first stage was invisible Deva cooks along with Sage Viparyasa would be present on the destined evening at the Asuras’ kitchen. They would add heavenly flavours and make the entire food delicious and intoxicating.  Considering the fact that, the particular Asura cook made very bad kher, it was decided that no purpose will be served by any value addition to it. Instead, the Devas cooks would replace the Asura sweet dish with a similar one made by them. Since, the dish did not contain any poison; it would pass `The Random Soldier Test’.  After the Asuras had the second successive serving, Sage Viparyasa would say a mantra and convert the kher bowls into Akshaya Patras. Next, he will release the `Lepa Astra’ into the air which will ensure that the bowls will get glued to the mouth of Asuras and subsequent deluge of Kher would choke them to death. The plan was dismissed since it was inhuman and impractical, especially Sage Viparyasa and the Deva cooks reaching the Asura kitchen in an invisible mode and  replacing the sweet dish made by Asuras with theirs. However, Sage Viparyasa decided to stay put keeping in mind the weak position in which the Devas were in.

After the whacking, elimination of AnAsura by the Devas became inevitable and it seemed that the only viable option to eliminate AnAsura was the plan offered by Sage Viparyasa. That night the plan was discussed intensely by Devas at a secret location.

One of the Devas said `do we have a better alternative than what Sage Viparyasa has proposed?’

Another replied `does that mean we should become heinous?’

The third one butted in by saying `rather than lose our humanity, we lose our head fighting’

The first one got back into the argument in a sharp and vitriolic way `Yes, we will only lose our heads fighting and tales of our powers, goodness, powers and morality will vanish. The Apsaras will become Asuras girlfriends and secrets of the Amrith will become known to them. Thanks to Lord Shiva, we cannot kill AnAsura on the battlefield and the only option available is to take chance with Sage Viparyasa’s plan’

The fourth supported him by saying ` we have a lot of precedence which suggest that if the interest of Devas (must be read as interest of humanity) is to be served, there is no harm in using foul means to kill an Asura’.

There was consensus about killing AnAsura through this method. The chosen time was the next day’s dinner because on that day of the week AnAsura refrained from having liquor and had a sweet dish at end of the dinner. All that was left now was, the question how to replace the sweet dish made by the Asura cook with the one made by the Devas? A few unimportant Apasaras did the job and the rest as they say is history.

I Will Be Back

Once, the mention of my name brought a lot of despair in most households, especially if heard during late nights and early mornings. However, the mood turned joyous if I was asked to convey a birth in the household. By now you would have guessed, Yes, I am the telegram and have made my exit today. I have become outdated thanks to email, SMS, Whatsapp and god knows what and all. Earlier I did wade of a stiff challenge from the Page but now I have lost the war.  Nobody uses me any longer and I am being terminated because I have become uneconomical to maintain. My glorious journey of 160 plus years has come to an end.

How times change? Until the start of this millennium, I had a special place of pride. Every Government office and reputed company had a grams id. I was the fastest means of communication available in the good old days, when even a landline connection at home, was a rarity. I was used to communicate deaths, births, arrival, departure, job interviews, etc. Government offices also used me to communicate unauthorized absence to their erring employees. I was even admitted as a proof in the court of law. Those were the days, when a special wire connection called the telegram cable used to run across length and breadth of the country. Unlike the cheap SMSes or the free for all messenger services of these days, I was pricey. Each time somebody used my service, they had to pay. I had a minimum charge for a certain number of words and beyond that each word was charged. Many a prospective secretaries’ English knowledge was tested by asking them to frame a telegram with the use of least words but conveying the entire message.

I was an honest servant. I never conveyed anything other than what was written. I am of course not responsible for typos like when somebody wrote `Seth Ajmer gaya’ and the Tamilian clerk typed it as `Seth Aaj Mar gaya’

I am proof of national integration in this country. Sample this, once David sent a telegram to his Brother in Law Abdul, that Saraswati, his wife, gave birth to a baby boy.

Thank you!!! Mr. Morse and Au revoir citizens! I am going but remember the words of the Terminator “I will be back”. If life is a wheel, I will be back and who knows you maybe desperate to have me back

A Suspicious Wife and The Ghost of Sunny Leone

Warning : Contains some inappropriate content. Righteous exit here itself

Velu and Selvi have been married for the past 10 years and are blessed with a 9 year old daughter named Sharanya. There is never a dull moment in their household; either there is bubbling happiness or Selvi’s stereophonic screams coming out of their home. Velu goes mute when Selvi tests out her vocal chords.

Their home, by the way, was a double storied structure. They stayed in the second floor and the other two floors were let out. The main villain in this story is the windowpane of arc shaped window in the hall. During the evenings, It seemed that his window pane has a naughty mind of its own and often created optical illusions to a person coming from outside. If Selvi was kneading batter for poori while watching TV, to the person outside it would look like she was strangulating someone.  If Velu was bending and picking up a glass on the floor to hand it to Selvi, it would look like he was touching her feet. They wanted to change the windowpane but could not get a carpenter to do this small work.

Velu worked somewhere; even I have no idea where he works. The most important thing is he made enough money to pay all his EMIs; pay for his daughter’s education, save money and of course could beat the inflation to eat, dress, commute and pay for Selvi’s mobile recharge.  Selvi was a homemaker. She watched TV, talked on her mobile and when she was bored of both, used to cook. All the other works at home were taken care of by Shantha, the 70 year old housemaid.

Theirs was an arranged marriage. Yes, Velu had agreed for his marriage to be arranged with Selvi, because his father had arranged to donate his property to an old age home, if Velu insisted on marrying Maria who was neither from their caste, religion, language, state or even country. Maria was a French girl.

Velu and Selvi got married and they had a kid within the statutory breeding period permissible for an Indian couple i.e. one year. Selvi was a Typical Tamil Ponnu (girl), she would insist on going to Murugan temple on a cold morning when Velu wanted to make love. You know; when it comes to such things wives always win.

Selvi knew of Velu’s past, in fact he himself had confessed of his relationship with Maria. Velu is one of those perfect MIS husbands. Velu could not keep any secret from his wife and that got him into marital trouble more often than not. Velu would inform his wife even if a good looking female bumped him into him in the office elevator. For the next few days, Selvi would keep looking for lipstick marks/hair strands/perfume fragrance on every portion of his covered body, which can be scanned by the naked eye. Velu despite all his perversions never cheated on his wife. Selvi knew this but always kept him on a tight leash.  However, the only woman whom Selvi could be sure of in Velu’s company was Shantha. Shantha in the past had busted a few husbands who were double timing their wife. She had great regards for Selvi because unlike other ladies in the street she did not wear jeans or bannian (that was what she felt of tops) but was always dressed like a Typical Tamil Ponnu.

It was in this scenario Poonam, a divorcee came to stay next door with her five year old daughter Prerana. Poonam was a fashion model and now an event coordinator. She had all the charm which would make even the most resolute man lose his peace every time he saw her and needless to say about Velu’s reaction, he was in awe of her.

Though Selvi liked Poonam, she was always suspicious of her husband’s intentions. Selvi hated the way Poonam ate any fruit especially a mango. She would wade into it and make sounds similar to Sunny Leone. Yeah, Selvi once in a while checked into Velu’s laptop to see what he was up to and once noticed it had a folder, Sunny’s Best. Presuming, it was about Sunny Gavaskar, the batsman, she opened the folder and needless to say she was not impressed with the skills of this Sunny. She did give Velu a mouthful about what she felt about his tastes. However, that did not deter him from regularly updating that folder.

Poonam thought very high of Velu as a person though she knew that he was a roving eye. After this admiration was expressed to Selvi, she became suspicious of the relationship between Velu and Poonam. She stopped going even to her native place. The best laid plans of mice and men (at times even women) go awry. Selvi’s grandmother who was vibrantly alive unknowingly stomped on a vibrant high tension wire and got electrocuted. Worried about leaving Velu alone with Poonam, Selvi rushed to her native place only when he agreed to accompany her. She also convinced him to stay back till the obsequies ceremony was over.

Within a period of 5 days, fate for the second time played spoilsport with Selvi’s marital security. On the fourth day night, Velu received an urgent call from his office and had to leave for Bangalore. Selvi was desperate to follow him but religious customs prevented her. She could not walk up to her parents and say `I am suspicious of your son-in-law’s relationship with that Chikni Chameli Poonam and can’t leave him alone in Bangalore’. This would cause a huge turmoil in the family which was already saddened by a death. Even before Velu could reach the village bus stop, she started getting images of Poonam romping with him in the bed.

The world seemed to be crashing on Selvi’s head but as they say nothing is impossible for an individual in danger. Remember Archimedes? Selvi knew that Velu had a stomach which was as solid as ice cream at 40 degrees Celsius and a week of hotel food would mean keeping the ice cream in a microwave oven at 250 degree Celsius for a week. The only thing he could cook was to boil water. Shantha cooked for her whenever she was ill. However since her house was far away, she insisted on staying back if she cooked dinner. Selvi had hatched a master plan and wanted to jump for joy but she controlled herself. She called up Shantha and on picking the phone Shantha in Tamil said `medem, I am sorry your grandmother died’

Selvi in a sobbing tone replied `Shantha, there is a bigger problem and only you can help me’

Shantha `aiyoo, why such big words?  Tell me ma, you are like my daughter’

Selvi `my husband is coming back to Bangalore because he has some important office work and you know he cannot eat hotel food. I want you to cook for him breakfast and dinner for a week. I will pay you how much ever you want’

Shantha `that’s all, I will do it but you know when I cook dinner I will stay back at your home’

Selvi gleefully `no problem…no problem… you can… you can’

Shantha `then don’t worry, I will stay at your home and take care of him for a week’

Selvi ended the call feeling as happy as a convict who gets Presidential pardon on the night before he is to be hanged. She knew with Shantha around, Velu and Poonam could not go ahead with their clandestine plans.

When Velu reached home, he was surprised to see Shantha at his door step. When he came to know of Selvi’s deal, he happily agreed and had no problem with Shantha staying back in his home for a week.

Selvi used to call up Shantha everyday just to ensure that her instructions of cooking breakfast and dinner for Velu were being complied with and most importantly the overnight stay. Finally, the obsequies ceremony was over and Selvi happily returned home by the Sunday morning bus. However, she did not inform Velu and wanted to surprise him. The bus reached Bangalore three hours late. They got down on main road and walked towards home. Two hundred yards away, she saw Shantha having tea at a nearby hotel.

Shantha came and voluntarily talked to her and said `Poonam madam had come home an hour back. Both of them were discussing about English movies. I was getting bored so came out’.

Selvi thought in her mind `could it be Sunny Leone movies?’. She asked Shantha `did she come home every night?’

Shantha `No ma, she is so busy, only today she came’

Selvi was definite about what would have happened after Shantha had left. She left Sharnaya in her friend’s house to ask for school notes, so that she does not see any thing ugly and rushed home. From a distance, she could see through the naughty hall windowpane, shadow of a woman bending down and a male shadow standing in front of the female shadow and frequently trying to put his head up and down. Selvi forget about the hazy shadows that the window gave, she could only remember Sunny Leone videos. Much more horrifying was the fact that the main door was open. How shameless both could get, she thought, what would have happened if Shantha came back? She wanted to catch them red handed so she croutched and slowly walked up the stairs. As she got near, she could hear Poonam saying “hmmm… tasty….wow….ahhhhh. I never had anything tasty like this in my life’. She could not take it any longer, took the broom in the balcony and rushed into the open door and the sight she got was shocking.  Prerana was playing on the floor with Sharanya’s dolls, Poonam having a mango in her own style and Velu uncorking a Dettol bottle.

Poonam saw Selvi and jokingly commented `what a sweeping entry’ Selvi embarrassed said `he, he, he you know I always want the house clean. By the by, what are you doing here?’

Poonam `This Dettol bottle was not opening. Velu has such a tight grip, so I thought I will take his help but he too is struggling. Meanwhile he offered me this really tasty mangoes and I was eating them’

Selvi sarcastically asked `will you never slice and have a mango?’

Poonam `No, I have slice only when it is not the mango season’

Selvi and Poonam laughed it off. Velu had understood what was going on in Selvi’s mind and he laughed the loudest.

 w

A Gentleman Suicide - a short story

This is the first time I am writing a short story of this length (approximately 4000 words). I have ended the story with a tinge of humour. There may be a lot of shortcomings in the short story both grammatical and content wise. I am looking forward to your critical assessments. Here goes the story.

A LIFE IS TOO PRECIOUS TO BE LOST BY A SUICIDE

The venue was campus of the NGO `Rehabilitate’.  It was a proud day for the NGO as the first batch of 25 slum children whom they had adopted and housed in their campus had completed their intermediate and getting ready to take their next step in life. The NGO had a total of 300 students under its care. Their financial commitments are being met by a software boss who is renowned for his philanthropic activities across the globe. He encouraged his employees to take part in the activities of the NGO as volunteers and Mitali is one of them. She frequently gave motivational talks to the students. Her talk had ended and the Q&A session was just about ending when a student got up and asked `Madam, at times I want to do some thing but I keep thinking about and don’t do it. Later, I feel bad that I did not do it. What to do about it?”  Mitali’s pink cheeks turned red as she remembered Rahul. Shrugging aside her thoughts, she replied `Such an attribute is called Procrastination. Most times it is bad’. With these words, Mitali ended her talk, wished the kids all the best and hurriedly left for her car. Procrastination all times is bad so the word most times does not make sense. It makes sense only to Mitali.

As Mitali drove out of the NGO, she reached the highway. It had all that a highway in India has or doesn’t have. It had a lot of restaurants en-route but fewer trees. It had well marked lanes but very motorists to respect them. It had an international standard road but pedestrians who had no common sense. Mitali was a rule abiding driver. Her flats `Whispering Meadows’ was on the left side, 20 kms away from the NGO. She stuck to lane discipline mindless of the honking behind her. Once in a while, an angry driver would overtake her and mouth an abuse or two but she remained calm. All of a sudden, she had to hit the breaks as hard as she could, to avoid running over a young lady by the proverbial inch. The `victim’ unmindful of what had happened crossed the road with the same grandeur as the Queen of England would have done in her heydays.

The incident shook up Mitali till she reached `Whispering Meadows’ and safely parked her car in the slot meant for I-909. The lift of her block was under maintenance and the lift mechanic in broken English told `Madam, two hours I keep lift here only for repair’. Mitali could have spent her time in the in-house cafeteria but she would have none of it and decided to walk up the stairs. Being a fitness freak, she had no problem striding up the steps. The staircase was well built with wide steps but it created a lot of blind corners. No matter how much we ridicule superstitions, we all have a few fears lurking in our mind.  Mitali the rationalist too had a similar sentiment about blind corners. She checked her sling bag and ensured that the dagger was still there. She was ready to stab Rahul just in case he popped out of a blind corner as he usually did. Rahul never popped out of any of the 18 blind corners and Mitali without committing a murder reached her flat.

Mitali stayed alone in her 2 bed room flat. She latched the door from behind, hurriedly went into her bedroom, opened the wardrobe, and took out the portrait of Rahul, put the music on and started yelling abuses invoking his name, every now and then stretching her middle finger. This was not how you expect an IT professional and a motivational speaker to behave but then Rahul could evoke extreme emotions in her. He had not cheated her but played havoc in her life with his procrastination.

After a few minutes of this ritual, she was tired and reached for the beer bottle in her fridge. She ordered an Italian meal from the nearby restaurant; ate it and fell on her bed with a thud. Mitali wanted to sleep but could not close her eyes. A Zillion images of Rahul flashed across whenever she tried to close her eyes. She logged on to Facebook from her mobile and searched for Rahul Singh. Profile of every Rahul Singh on Earth got listed except the one she wanted. Dejected, she put the mobile on silent mode, threw it across the bed and closed her eyes to sleep. Whenever Mitali remembered Rahul, sleep would come to her as quickly as sense would come to a drunkard or hope would come to a convict about to be hanged in a couple of hours or common sense would come to the member of a religious cult . She had to stay awake recollecting the bitter-sweet-bitter memories about him.

Mitali got up realizing the futility of trying to sleep and went to the balcony overlooking the lake besides her apartment and relaxed on the antique rocking chair. She remembered her first meeting with Rahul. Mitali had just completed her engineering and was recruited by a famous IT company in campus recruitment. It was the first day of her orientation program and the inaugural session was in the third floor of their sprawling campus. Mitali was a chirpy girl who loved striding up the stairs with gay abandon. Suddenly, she bumped into a huge mass of body and was falling over. She stretched her hand and shouted `hold me’.

The guy with a perplexed look, stretched his long hands, reached for her hips and for some reason withdrew with a `sorry, I did not see you coming’.

Mitali landed on her back but luckily escaped with a few bruises. She got up angrily and yelled at him `Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Why did you hold me and then let me go?’

He replied `I thought you would be offended if I held you by the hip’.

Mitali’s rage went out of control `Which age have you come from? Get real; this is not an Eastman color movie. I would not have fallen in love with you, if you had held me by the hip’. Saying so, she got up and went back to her room to attend to her bruises.

Later, she came to know his name was Rahul, a topper from another college. Mitali concluded that all toppers must be dumb. This was her first meeting with Rahul. Rahul as Mitali noted was technically sound but when it came to social aspects was hopelessly bugged by indecisiveness. He took endlessly long time to decide on what to eat; what to wear, etc. Soon a few friends brokered peace between Rahul and Mitali. They took lot of pains to explain to Mitali that if procrastination had a face it would resemble Rahul. Before peace could prevail, Mitali gave him a lot of cold looks, the typical girlish winces, etc.

After peace was brokered, friendship bloomed between the two. Rahul could not avoid gazing at Mitali’s face and many a times she caught him in the act. Immediately, he would turn his face away and she would giggle.  All these had a stimulating effect of Rahul and he started loving Mitali. Mitali too started liking Rahul but she wanted him to be a man and propose to her. However, the favorite procrastination’s favourite son never proposed to Mitali.

Rahul’s procrastination powers were on display on the last day of the orientation program. Each participant had to pick a chit from the bowl and perform what was written in it. When Rahul’s turn came, he took a whole of five minutes pondering which chit to pick. Finally, Mitali picked it for him and Rahul spent another five minutes deciding which song to render.

The time to depart came. Rahul mustered enough courage, blocked Mitali who was going to her room and hesitantly said `can we be friends?’. Mitali shrugged him aside, giggled and walked away murmuring `what are we now?’. Rahul wanted to pull her, draw close to his chest, plant a kiss on her lips and assert `this is what I meant’. He could not muster enough courage to do so, not even to yell back `I love you’. He froze and the occasion was gone. He was posted for an offshore assignment and Mitali to the Hyderabad Centre. They could not meet again

A year down the line, Mitali changed jobs and moved over to Bangalore. Living alone in Bangalore was one of the reasons why Mitali had chosen IT Engineering. Bangalore had all that Mitali wanted a city to have. It has great weather (when compared to rest of the country); sprawling malls, multiplexes, pubs, bowling alleys and above all a single woman could feel safe in the city. Her credit card company made a lot of money. Her family which was based in Calcutta had a huge income and monthly used to send money to her. Thus, clearing debts was never a problem for Mitali.

Mitali soon fell in love with a colleague named Kumaran. He was tall, dark and handsome. Those were the only good things about him. In reality, he was a leech. All that mattered to him was Mitali’s body. Mitali realized it late but it is never too late to break free from a parasite. Mitali did just that. Heartbroken, she changed jobs and continued to trudge along.  

One weekend, a few of the girls from her first job met up and had a booze party in a resort. Priya her best friend just had a divorce after she discovered her husband making love to a shop attendant. She was drinking uncontrollably.

Mitali who was still in her senses, shrugged her shoulders and yelled `Priya, what are you doing to yourself? There is life beyond that idiot. Relax, things will get better’

Priya `what better? My life is over. I loved that a**h*** so much. Who should I live for? Men are all the same, they just want to bed female after female after female’

Mitali hugged her, caressing her hair said `don’t cry sweetheart, not all men are bad. A good guy will come into your life. Just that you have to recognize and not let him go’

Priya mockingly smiled and replied `Yeah, I should not be foolish like you were with Rahul’

Mitali’s face turned pale. She slapped Priya on her jaw and asked `where does Rahul come into this?’

Priya who was on a high pushed Mitali on the ground, got on top of her, gently strangulated her neck  and replied in an  annoying tone `Don’t tell me that you did not know that Rahul loved you for his life? Don’t tell me you did not know what Rahul meant when he asked you to be his friend? He was madly in love with you. He could not say it you and you did not want to understand. Now, he is staying with Neha in this very city. Go, f**k yourself’’. Saying so, she passed out.

Mitali managed to lift Priya with help of friends into her car and reached her flat. Next morning was tense. Priya was expecting Mitali to ask about Rahul and Mitali expecting Priya to give Rahul’s whereabouts. Neither was ready to give up their egos. Both were such genuine Urban Hypocrites.

Mitali always knew that Rahul loved her. It was just that she wanted him to come and say that to her. She was desperate to seek comfort in his arms but ego never allowed her to propose to him. Soon priorities of career and glamour of leading an independent life took over and she almost forgot Rahul. Mitali was sad about loosing Rahul but she was equally anguished about him living with Neha. Neha was Mitali’s senior at college. Neha was a man eater. Material progress was what she cared for. Even when they worked together, Neha’s personal life and her closeness with certain managers were constant topics of office gossip. She could not believe that Rahul and Neha can be a pair. Mitali knew Rahul will find a place in Neha’s equation only as long as a bigger multiple did not come in her predatory vision.

Mitali wanted to find Rahul but she did not know where to look for him and she did not want to ask Priya. Meanwhile, she was hoping that Rahul sees the true side of Neha and gets rid of her. Having seen both, Neha’s manipulating skills and Rahul’s lack of it, she knew it was wishful thinking. Life meandered along for a few weeks and it was one of those weekends, Mitali had gone for a movie and a bit of retail therapy. It was around 11 pm and she was strolling towards her car in the basement parking when she could see a huge shadow following her. Mitali was scared but decided to fight back. She took a sharp turn at one of those pillars, raised her legs with all the might she had and was about to kick the stalker on his box when for some reason she saw the face and it was Rahul. She could not stop the momentum but diverted the kick on his knees.

Rahul cried out `Ouch! What are you doing? I wanted to call you but then thought it would not be manners. So I thought I will get close and talk to you and see what you have done, almost rendered me impotent’

Mitali screeched back `you have not get rid of your f***in indecisiveness, have you? Anyways, how are you?’

From behind, the familiar sluttish voice of Neha spoke `Now that he is in my arms, never mind, very soon he will be as decisive as a scud missile’.

Mitali thought to herself `Hope a few months down the line, he does not get desperate to stand in front of a scud missile’.

Mitali pretending that she did not know about their relationship hugged Neha, kissed on her cheeks and whispered into her ears `Neha, what an unpleasant surprise? Anything happens to him I will kill you’.

Neha with a plastic smile whispered back `B***h to your heart’s content, he is my puppet’.

Soon Rahul walked up to them. Neha just to increase Mitali’s bitterness kissed Rahul on his lip. Mitali could not stand this sight. With all her civility intact, she exchanged mobile numbers with Rahul and walked away in a huff. Neither she called Rahul nor did he call her.

A few weeks after meeting Rahul, Neha got an offshore assignment for six months in London and went away. After six months she came back to India, only to learn from Priya that Neha had dumped Rahul after doing away with a good part of his bank account. Rahul was more hurt because she had dumped his love and in that sorrow had become an alcoholic. Even Priya did not know his whereabouts because he had sold his flat and went to stay in an unknown place. Mitali was shell shocked and barely had she settled down after hearing the news, her phone rang and it was Rahul. She picked up the call and he poured out all his woes. He ended the call by saying that he was going to commit suicide. Panic stricken she called back his number but by then the mobile was switched off.

MItali and Priya set out to find the whereabouts of Rahul. Without much strife, they found the company he worked for but he had resigned the job last month. Finally, they managed to find the paying guest accommodation where Rahul stayed but he had vacated a week ago. It was already 12 hours since Rahul called Mitali. There was every possibility that he would have committed suicide. They decided to check the various Government mortuaries in the city. No dead body matching the description of Rahul had arrived. The security guard in one of the mortuaries said at times dead bodies arrived three to four days after the suicide. Mitali nodded in agreement and stuck a few hundred rupee notes into his hands and asked him to call her in case any dead body matching Rahul arrived at his morgue. She went back to all the morgues she visited early and stuck a similar deal with the security guards over there too.

Two days passed, three days passed but no news. On the fourth day, she received a call from the security guard whom she bribed first, that body of a young man who had committed suicide four days ago, was brought to the morgue in a highly decomposed state. The body according to him matched with the specifications of Rahul. To add credibility to the claim was the fact that the deceased had committed suicide in a lodge around the same time Rahul had called Mitali. This was it and Mitali broke into an ocean of tears. No amount of consoling by Priya could control her. Priya drove along with Mitali to the hospital. She haphazardly parked the car and they rushed towards the morgue. On reaching, the security guard informed that the dead body belonged to a localite and his relatives had taken away the dead body. Mitali thanked her stars and walked back to the car. However, the thought lingered in her mind, what if Rahul had gone to another city and committed suicide? There was no answer for the question and she could not travel across length and breadth of the country trying to find Rahul’s dead body.

For the next few days, Mitali became an avid reader of the crime beat column in every newspaper. She started watching all the crime beat programmes on the Kannada channels though she could not understand much of the language. There was no news about Rahul. All that she could do was drown her thoughts by visiting an old age home nearby and serving the elderly over there. Time flies faster than we think and in matter off time it was three years since she had stopped finding Rahul’s dead body. Mitali had moved on but there was no place for any guy in her life. Priya meanwhile got married the second time and was happier than before.

In addition to her professional commitments, Mitali got associated with `Rehabilitate’. She also developed a fascination for collecting antiques. Rocking chairs, lamps, wall hangings, daggers and any antique she would buy.

It was on a Sunday, when she read in a tabloid that a unique antique shop had opened in a nearby mall. She wanted to buy a particular dagger which the shop claimed was from the Mughal period. She purchased the dagger and was walking towards the cafeteria nearby. From nowhere, Rahul popped out. Mitali was taken aback and instantly asked `Are you not dead?’

Rahul with a regretful face replied `No, I could not commit suicide’

Mitali in an enraged tone, gesticulating her right hand asked `and why did you not care to inform me? Do you know how much of pain I went through after the incident? I went around the town searching for your dead body in every dirty morgue. Scoundrel, why the f**k did you not inform me that you were alive?

Rahul `it took me a lot of time and travel to decide not to commit suicide’

Mitali with her eyebrows raised and hands on her hips quizzingly asked `WTF do you mean by time and travel. If you wanted to commit suicide, you could have very well done so in your PG itself’

Rahul `Yes, I could have but that PG was the only livelihood of its owner, I did not want to disrupt it, so I hired a lodge in Gandhinagar’

Mitali `ok, why did you not commit suicide there?’

Rahul `I just did not like the doors there, they were too weak. If anybody heard me making any noise, they could easily break in and save me’

Mitali seething with anger `Continue’

Rahul `I moved to Chennai and took up a job. They accommodated me in their guest house. I decided to commit suicide on Neha’s birthday, wrote a suicide letter and pinned her photograph to it but…’

Mitali asked in a mocking tone `which divine thought saved you this time around?’

Rahul `I gave it up because it would spoil the image of the company. The local press over there is capable of making mountain out of a molehill’

Mitali was running short of words so she raised her right hand to suggest continue.

Rahul replied `Next I was sent to one of those gulf countries on an assignment. There was hardly any life over there. Again I harboured thoughts of committing suicide but did not’

Mitali asked sarcastically `why the flat you were staying in was not Vastu complaint for committing suicide?’

Rahul `look no jokes, this is serious stuff’

Mitali `ok, ok, I will stop joking. Please tell me why you terminated the gulf suicide project?’

Rahul `Anti-suicide laws of the country are very strict. Guys who attempt suicide and fail are flogged 500 times in public. There were no ceiling fans to hang in the room and given the medical facilities in the country, it is easy to rescue anybody who has consumed poison.’

Mitali checking sharpness of the dagger in her bag asked `Does your suicide story end here or is there more to come?’

Rahul `There is one last bit. I took up a job in US and there I met Neha with an American. I came back to my room and wanted to commit suicide but did not do so’

Mitali `why you were worried that the famous breaking news samurai journalist will grill Obama with the question “Mr Obama, India wants to know why Rahul Singh committed suicide in the US” and answer the question himself ?’

Rahul `No, I was worried that the American Government would  impose psychological assessment and brain mapping before giving HB1  Visas for Indians. Already people are stretched to the limits’

Mitali lost her cool, pulled out the dagger from her bag and said to Rahul `I am going to stab you, run if you can and save yourself’

Rahul had never seen Mitali so angry, not even when he let her go on the staircase, when they first met. He ran for his life with Mitali in hot pursuit. He came out of the Mall and the road was full of traffic waiting for the signal to turn green. He turned back to see Mitali was just a few feet behind him. He knew if he kept procrastinating any further, a dagger would land into his spine. Without a second thought, he ran across the road and reached the other end. Mitali tripped over a peeled banana skin and fell. Before she could get up, traffic had moved and Rahul was nowhere to be seen.

Mitali came back home dejected. She was angry at the pain Rahul had put her through earlier with a call that he was going to commit suicide. Mitali informed Priya about the incident and she shrugged it off by saying `you should be happy that he let go of his procrastination at least when you chased him with a dagger in hand’. Mitali could not control her laughter. The rest of the evening was spent mocking each of Rahul’s mannerisms on that day.

It was already 2 am, Mitali was done with recollecting her past. Her eyes were thirsting for sleep. She went to bed. Deep down in her heart she knew next time she met Rahul, she would not stab him but surrender in his arms.  

Pain for one Gain for another - it is time to Rain - a poem

One yells Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

Another screams Rain, Rain spread with all your sway, this very day.

The rich housewife said my kids will be drenched

Rain, Rain go away come some other day

The starving farmer’s wife said my kids will be fed

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

The busy executive cribbed about the traffic ordeal

Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

The jobless boatman smiled about the tourist trail.

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

There goes my profits cried the greedy tanker owner

Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

There comes a windfall laughed the scheming stock broker

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

Oh! We cannot play cried the kids

Rain, Rain go away, come some other day

Ah! Here comes our inspiration celebrated the lovers

Rain, Rain spread with all your sway this very day

To a few misery, to many a reason to be happy

Let the rains spread with sway this very day and many a day.

Telemedicine - A silent revolution in Indian Healthcare pioneered by ISRO

This is my submission for http://www.apollohospitals.com/cutting-edge.php

An Arabian saying goes "He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything". Unfortunately in a country like India, advances in healthcare are still available to the privileged few residing mainly in the urban area but majority of the population live in rural area. Further, this is compounded by poor medical facilities in rural and inaccessible areas, reluctance of doctors to serve in rural areas, etc. Thus, there is little hope for the larger population of this country for getting quality health care without having A silent revolution happening in the health sector of the country is Telemedicine, by Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO). It hopes to bridge the gap between haves and have not’s as far as healthcare is concerned.

Telemedicine is the use of telecommunication and information technology for medical diagnosis and patient care. It involves transfer of electronic medical data (i.e. live video, high resolution images, voice, text and patient records) between the “Patient end” and the “Specialist end” using the combination of video, computer and network communication technologies.  The elements of a telemedicine network are viz., patient end; specialty end and communication link. A telemedicine system consists of a computer with relevant medical software and connected to medical diagnostic instruments like ECG, X-ray machine or an X-ray Scanner for scanning the X-ray images. The digitized images and medical reports of the patient are sent to the specialist hospital, which may be thousands of kilometers away, through a satellite VSAT system or terrestrial links. The specialist in the comfort of his hospital is able to examine the reports, diagnose, interact with the patient and suggest appropriate treatment during the video conferencing session through the telemedicine system. Tele-consultation is a great boon in post-operative care for patients coming from remote areas because money and time expended on travel is avoided. Telemedicine has its own limitations and it cannot be used in cases where any disease which requires clinical examination of the patient cannot be diagnosed by telemedicine eg skin disorders, pshychiatric disorders, etc. Telemedicine technology as of now in India, has been adopted in the following areas:-

1.   Tele-consultation.

2.   Tele-diagonsis.

3.   Tele-treatment.

4.   Tele-education

5.   Tele-training

6.   Tele-monitoring

7.   Tele-support.

ISRO has always been endeavouring to reach space technology to the grassroots. In India, telemedicine started during 2001 linking Apollo Hospital, Chennai with the Apollo Rural Hospital at Aragonda village in Chittor, Andhra Pradesh. The next one implemented during March 2002 linked  Naryana Hrudayalaya, Bangalore with Chamrajnagar District Hospital and The Vivekanada Memorial Trust Hospital at Saragur, both districts being located in Karnataka. Presently, ISRO’s Telemedicine Network stretches to around 100 hospitals all over the country with 78 remote/rural/district hospitals/health centres connected to 22 speciality hospitals located in the major cities. The thrust of ISRO’s Telemedicine Programme are as follows:

1. Remote/Rural Hospitals and Speciality Hospitals.
2. Continuing Medical Education (CME) – training for doctors & paramedics in rural/remote areas, from a higher level hospital/institution.
3. Mobile Telemedicine Units
4. Disaster Management Support.

The yeoman services rendered by ISRO’s telemedicine network in remote areas like Kargil and Leh in the North, offshore islands of Andaman and Nicobar and Lakshdweep, as well as interior parts of Orrisa, Karnataka, Kerala, Chattisgarh, J&K, North East is noteworthy. As per ISRO’s website, in Chamrajnagar telemedicine has cut down treatment cost by 81%. Further it is stated that in case of remote off-shore islands, this is much more significant both to the patient and the Government administration. In such cases, not only the patients have the cost saving but can be provided with quick and timely medical aid. Telemedicine has also been used since 2002 at Pampa, the foothills of Sabarimala Shrine, Kerala and during Tsunami in Andaman Island and Car Nicobar.

In India healthcare is a state subject and the larger application of telemedicine to benefit of the country would depend on the respective state government’s initiative in grabbing and implementing this technology. Telemedicine with passage of time will become more and more a refined technology. Its progress depends on application of mind by the concerned. High cost of equipments; high cost of maintenance; high training cost and poor connectivity are some of the impediments in telemedicine gaining greater acceptance in India. The field of Information and Communication technology is making giant strides consistently and this over a period of time should result in reduction in cost of hardware and software which will make will make telemedicine systems simpler and affordable.

It is seen from ISRO’s website that they have envisioned the development of a “HEALTHSAT”, an exclusive satellite for meeting the healthcare and medical education needs of India at large. This satellite, when deployed along with wireless and terrestrial communication links, can bring a large change in augmenting the present healthcare delivery system in the country. Telemedicine when fully implemented can be the mythical Sanjeevini to people living in remote/rural areas. It can enlarge the gap between life and death across the length and breadth of this country. We require untiring efforts from all the stake holders to make India a healthy country.

I would like to state that I have relied a lot upon material collected from ISRO website and their press releases.

Kitchens of India - My Gourmet Party - Mock and Delight Yourself (MADY)

This blog is written for Kitchens of India. Don’t forget to read the disclaimer at the end L.

 My party would have only Indian food, both vegetarian and non vegetarian but alcohol will not be served. As much as I love to treat people, I love to tease them. The theme of the party would be Mock and Delight Yourself (MADY). The recommended dress code would be Indian and violators will be made to walk back home after the partyJ.

The party would be held open air in a sufficiently large expanse of land. The guest list would not exceed 100-125. The people who miss families most are the senior citizens in old age homes. They have successfully raised their families but for some unfortunate reason find themselves in an old age home. To once again give them a taste of family life, a few from an old age home would be invited.  The entire area would be enclosed in Shamiyanas. Light music would be played at slightly louder than whispering volumes so that it merges with the festivity and does not become a nuisance value. Buffets are suited for an office lunch or for a restaurant but not for a family & friends dinner. Personal service is a must.

On entrance, after walking a few feet into the shamiyana, the guests would hit a dead end with cross roads on either side; one would look to be leading to the exit and other one into the party area. Obviously, the guests would choose the second path but after passing through a maze would find themselves going back to the parking lot. This would wake them up to the party’s theme “MADY”. On entering again through the correct path☻, they would be welcomed with a glass of sugarcane juice with a dash of pepper.

There is nothing better than beginning a dinner on a healthy note, never mind what you gobble later. To begin with, the guests would get liberal servings of Moong Salad and Kosamberi. Vegetarian starters would be in the form of Achari Paneer and Ladies Finger Fry while the non vegetarian palate would be served with Lemon Chicken, Keema Balls and Crab Fry. Bread would be in the form of Butter Naan and Kulcha. Curry has to be spicy otherwise for me it is a dessert. However, keeping in view varied tastes, vegetarian curry would be Dal Bukhara and Ennai Kathirrikai whereas the non vegetarian ones would be Butter Chicken, Chicken Chettinad and Chettinad Mutton Curry. A party based on Indian food without Biryani is like Kashmir without the snow capped mountains. To avoid any cause for such ridicule, there would be Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani and Mutton Dum Biryani. For the vegetarians, there would be Vegetable Biryani and Peas Pulav. Rasam has great digestive properties. If Europeans give a soup at the beginning to stimulate appetite, we give Rasam at the end to stimulate digestion. Here again, we have proved our forethought because digesting what you have eaten is of paramount importance. Thus, the penultimate serving would be White Rice and Rasam. Desserts would round off the party and they would be in the form of Jodhpur Moong Dal Halwa and Tender Coconut Water Payasam. Paan’s customary presence at the end would be ensured.

As far as entertainment is concerned, I would refrain from the usual antakshari, musical chairs, etc. There should be something which excites the families and also gives them a different perspective about each other. Have you ever wondered, mothers are so desperate to see their sons married? They will turn Earth upside down to get the best bride but once he is married and happy, they get jealous and the never ending Mother-in-Law [MiL] and Daughter-in-Law[DiL] battle begins. If only they learnt to live like mother and daughter, most nuclear families would never get created and many old age homes would go out of business. More often than not, a MiL and DiL never understand each other like and dislikes. To facilitate this, I have come up with KYSoB (Know Your Saans or Bahu) wherein they would separately be asked five questions about each other likes, dislikes, favourite food, color, holiday spot, etc and cross checked with the other to find the compatibility. Hopefully, they appreciate the common points and understand each other’s diverse interests. Couples have problems with each other because one does not realise how irritating he or she behaves in certain situations. To project this irritating attitude in a humorous way, there would be a contest wherein wife would mimic the husband and vice versa in typical situations. The judges would be the couples themselves. The winners would be given gift hampers of products from Kitchens of India by the specially invited senior citizens. After the party, the guest would be personally seen off by me and my family.

P.S: Dear relatives and friends, never ever expect such a treat from me, this is basically written for Kitchen’s of India contest. It took me a lot of magnanimity to imagine being so generous J J ☺.