Effective Business Writing by Patric Forsyth

http://leadcap.org/

Patrick Forsyth runs Touchstone Training and Consultancy, which advises on marketing, management and communication skills. An established author he has written many successful business books including Successful Time Management, How to Motivate People and The PowerPoint Detox. Numerous translations of his titles have appeared around the world.

Effective Business Writing is arranged into seven chapters. The book is not all theory but contains a lot of light hearted stuff to highlight the mishaps that could be caused by faulty communication. Here are a few extracts from the book:

1.In the interest of security please ensure that your door is fully closed firmly before entering or leaving your room – sign on the inside of a hotel room doors – and a good trick if you can do it.

2.A superfluous sign on a motorway "This sign is not in use"

3.Notice in the bathroom of a hotel in Portugal "Please ensure that mat is affixed firmly to bottom before entering shower"

4.Try describing to someone over the telephone, how to, say, tie a shoelace.

5.I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork – Peter De Vries.

6.An environment agency recently announced that it had "helped to make our environment a safer place by managing a UK scheme to dispose of surplus radioactive sources in schools, museums and hospitals"

7."There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are" – Somerset Maugham.

8.A cookbook which says "To stop your eyes watering when chopping onions, put them in the freezer"

9.A cooker advertisement says "Neff Circosteam doesn't have complicated functions – just simple one touch controls, including 52 cooking programmes" (and that's simple?)

10.One pack of pills suggests that you "swallow with glass full of water". A glassful is less likely to stick in your throat.

11."All the words I use – can be found in a dictionary – it's just a matter of arranging them into the right sentences" – Somerset Maugham.

12.Some sentences can cause problems of contradictions "I never make predictions; and I never will"

13.Words are chameleons, which reflect the color of their environment.

14.What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure – Samuel Johnson.

15.I am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me – AA Milne, Winnie the Pooh.

16.Seen in a lift "Only use the buttons provided".

17.Who decided that we should switch off a computer by clicking on "Start"?


Effective Business Writing by Patrick Forsyth is a must read for improving your writing skills.

A panel discussion on the problems of the country - satire

There are so many problems in the country and to have a `meaningful' discussion on these, the country's premier news channel `END NOW TV NEWS" decided to conduct a panel discussion on these issues. The channel's motto is "When it comes to corruption, don’t bear it, just bare it". The invited participants were "Person Aligned to Party in Power (PAPI-P)"; Ferocious Lawyer of Opposition Party (FLOOP) and me i.e. CRIB (Coward Ranting Innumerable Blogs). The interviewer was a TRP Journalist (Totally Reputed Political Journalist).

TRP-J "So Mr. PAPI-P, do you have any Idea about what is happening in the country?"
PAPI-P "Why should I get an Idea? That is why, Abhishek Bachan is being paid"
FLOOP "I cannot believe this attitude, is how you talk in a programme connecting people"
TRP-J "Gentleman, Gentleman, don't eat into our revenues. We would not be generating so much of controversy, if there were no Ad breaks. Mr. PAPI-P, do you have any concrete measures to reduce the inflation rate?"
PAPI-P "That’s easy we will replace rice with mobile bill per month; onions with broadband charges and fuel with train booking/cancellation charges and automatically the rate of inflation will come crashing down"
TRP-J "This is too much, I am asking do you have any plans to reduce the price of essential commodities?"
PAPI-P who becomes uncomfortable with the question says `Oh! I see we are not on the same wavelength….understand…wavelength" and winks at FLOOP.
FLOOP "Forget the price rise, let us talk about the scam you have done in allocation of wavelength"
PAPI-P says pointing to me "This CRIB here, has forgotten missed calls only because call rates have become cheap and this has been possible only due to the prices at which wavelength was distributed"
FLOOP "That’s ok but the country has lost a lot of money. In addition, we have also lost a lot of money organizing rallies across the country. However, on the contrary we have stopped fighting amongst ourselves not that we have decided who will lead this fight."
I added in "Mr. FLOOP, thanks to your and TRP-J attacks, I have got a lot of kick in my shadow boxing against corruption by writing blog after blog or else you know even if the earth caves in front of my house, I build a rope bridge across it and walk"
TRP-J "I should also be thankful to Mr. PAPI-P, my revenues have grown by more than 100% in the last three months"
PAPI-P "Won't you guys congratulate me for generating so many advantages?"
FLOOP "Aree Yaar, PAPI-P, you know how close we are. We run the same business, sports and married into each other's families. This is all a part of the game"
TRP-J "Yes, Mr. PAPI-P, you know how helpful we have been to you. You can't forget the RADIAition that exists in our relationship. I, you and FLOOP are just two sides of the same tissue paper. OK, what do you feel about these new breed of SSIs?"

I start getting jittery at suddenly being left out of the equation.

PAPI-P and FLOOP in unison say "These small scale industries are such a pain in the neck. We want big multinational corporations"
TRP-J `Again we have a wavelength problem, I meant to say the Self Appointed Savior of India'
PAPI-P ` He is a PILE, I mean Public Interest Litigant Evergreen. Having said that, I wish to say that my people have decided to price the wavelength at market rates but call rates will increase accordingly'
FLOOP `That’s great news. Now we can protest about how mobile has become unaffordable to the common man and how the mobile companies are making unreasonable profits"
TRP-J "We can also run innumerable programs on this subject and telecom companies would be too willing to advertise in such programs"
PAPI-P "Also TRP-J, the guys down south have agreed to give you an access in their airwaves kingdom"
TRP-J "Really, if they had done it earlier, we may have never made such a big issue of this trivial wavelength matter"
Me "OMG, What have I done to myself? I should have not written so many blogs about the wavelength allocation. The only thing that was affordable to me is also going to become costly. Why did I have to bother if some unknown exchequer lost revenue? To add to that, how much money I wasted voting on all the opinion polls of TRP-J"
TRP-J, PAPI-P and FLOOP laugh together and say "This is the gift for your shadow boxing. Get ready to be squeezed more. "
At the end of everything I am the bakra. I only hope to learn my lessons and stop doing mere shadow boxing on corruption or more better, start writing some Mills and Boons for my blogs.

My own wardrobe malfunction

http://leadcap.org/

Right from 1st standard, I was always awe-stuck with my brother making speeches on Independence Day and other competitions in schools. So when I got promoted to sixth standard (the cut-off for a student to be allowed in these competitions), I readily gave my name when it was called for. The first assignment was to speak on Independence Day about Lal Bahadur Sastriji. With active assistance of my father and the Panasonic two-in-one we had at our home, I practiced the speech over and again. Three days before the event, Dcuna Madam who was in charge of the culturals decided that all the participants will wear a dhoti and make the speech. I never took it seriously and continued preparing my speech.

The D-day came and all the “freedom fighters” were made to wear dhoti and come to the stage. First it was “Gandhiji”, next “Panditji” followed by “Patelji” and then came my turn “Sastriji”. I stood up to see nearly 900 students in front of me. I immediately realized that public speaking was more than reproducing a prepared speech. All the lessons my father gave on the etiquettes of public speaking vaporized from my mind. I was shivering, mumbling when the audience burst out laughing. My dhothi was on the floor. Obviously, the tension within my body had resulted in this scandalous wardrobe malfunction. Thankfully, I had worn inside the customary half-white pant for Saturday class and any further embarrassment was prevented. I could see my brother feeling for me but I did not want to give up speaking. Despite all the jeers, I continued speaking. To my surprise fear had evaporated and I was able to speak freely. Though I did not win any prize, I did get a special mention from the principal for courageously standing on to speak despite the mishap.

Thankfully, there were no moral police around those days or else a campaign would have been started against me for an intentional wardrobe malfunction, that too in a boy’s school.

How News Channels would have reported history (Part I) - A Satire

Continued from Part II

We start with a play review (remember those days there were no films)

This week we have a boring play which is just run of the mill stuff with an unimaginable, impracticable and hackneyed storyline laced with a lot of melodrama and sleaze. This is the story of a guy from a royal family who goes on an hunt, meets a girl, love at first sight, secret marriage, departs back home, leaves behind the girl with a ring and a kid, girl lost in thoughts, cursed by an angry sadhu, memory loss for hero, girl loses ring, hero fails to recognise girl when she turns up at his place and later seeing the ring in a fish stomach remembers everything and they live happily thereafter.

Being very generous, I give this play "one star out of five".

Infact, for the past 3 days we conducted an opinion poll and gave people two options, option a, they wont remember this play six months from now and option b, they will remember this play for their lifetimes. We have an astonishing 100% result for option (A). Here is the ticker. The result has a slight dip and now it is 50%, no, 33% for option A, it is 25% for A, 20% for A, sorry, that’s all we have time today…." By the time the ticker is taken of air, it is 1% for option A.


By the by the play we are talking about is Kalidasa's "Shakuntala" and since Kalidasa did not believe in PR exercise, his play had to get this review.


A controversial but good at public relations Roman Emperor commits suicide.

Anchor with white dyed hairs which give him a mature soberly yells out the beginning "This is the saddest day of my life. The dearest Emperor of Rome has committed suicide unable to bear rebellion. He was a great constructor, reformer in his own right, sports lover in fact participated in an Olympic game, lover of fine arts and always had a kind heart for us press guys. We are here to discuss the possible fall out of his death. In our panel are some distinguished persons, Mr. Success Obsessed Bull (SOB); Publically Important and Manipulating Person and Socialite-I (PIMaPaS) and Corn-y Journalist (CJ), lets start with you Mr.PIMaPaS, tell us about the emperor".

PIMaPaS "Oh, yeah, he appreciated all the delicate things in life. He loved family a lot which can be seen from the fact that he married thrice. Also he was in constant touch with me err. for organizing performances in the numerous theatres, dance stages he had built. The parties he threw were fabulous and I grew as a person thanks to the contacts developed in his parties. Truly, it is a great loss to Roman Culture, families values and fine hearts"

Anchor `Now we go in for a short break and will be back. All the Ads in this break reflect the great values the emperor stood for"

In the Ad break, Ads relating to Resorts, Liquor companies, condoms, villas are played.

Back from the break, the Anchor with a teary eye" Welcome back after the break, now Mr. SoB will share his memories of the Emperor"

SoB-I `Yes, he was the darling of the markets. Each of his actions contributed to improving private wealth. Just look at the number of constructions for fine arts, athletics, etc. All these led to huge value for the construction industry and people who traded in their shares. One more thing, the tax break he gave for food imports benefited the traders a lot because he never insisted that they be passed on to the citizens'

Anchor `Ok, now Mr. CJ you tell us your experience, what sort of great ruler he was?"

CJ `You can identify his integrity by the fact that he executed his stepbrother, mother and first wife to save his seat………oops… I mean to uphold the law of the land. He was so much worried about law and order that he reduced the bail amount and fines. He wanted to discover the origin of Nile. However there are some unsubstantiated allegations that he was fiddling with his piano when the city was burning. Let me tell you it was only a lyre and not a piano. There was this great concert organised by the King and fireworks were arranged around the city and some of them went wrong. Only three of the fourteen districts were burnt to ashes. The Emperor after the concert organised relief for the citizens. As a remembrance of the dead, the Emperor built a new palace for himself in an area cleared by the fire. So as you can see he was above slur and beyond the understanding of common man"

Anchor `Ok, the general consensus is that he was a great human being and able administrator, we all mourn his death"

In case you have still not guessed who the Emperor is, It is Nero I. Nero focused much on diplomacy, trade and increasing the cultural capital of the empire. Despite his antics during the great Roman fire, some historians of that time have painted him in favorable light highlighting the fact that he maintained good relations with the press of those days. Is somebody in a big corruption mess, listening, if only you had done your PR, who knows?

Thuglaq shifts capital from Delhi to Devagiri

Thuglaq is immortalized for his misrule. It is surprising that some historians of that time have labeled him as a wise king. Obviously, Thugulaq knew a thing or two about PR. Here is a panel discussion on Thuqlaq move to shift the capital from Delhi to Devagiri. In the panel are SOB XVI, PIaMPaS XVII and Common Man (CM) discussing the shifting of the capital by Emperor Thugulaq (ET) with a prominent woman journalist who just imposes herself on a discussion and never allows any dissent.

Anchor : We are here to discuss the pathbreaking move of ET to shift the Capital from Delhi to Devagiri, first you Mr SoB, tell us how this move will be good for the country"

SOB XVI : He is best emperor for construction since Nero. Just imagine the number of buildings, roads and other infrastructure that will be built in the new capital. A good Government should spend like this and not on subsidies for the poor guys who anyway will die hungry. In addition, ET has ordered transportation of men, wonen and capital, this is again good news for shares of logistics companies. I put a strong buy on construction, logistics shares and a double thumbs up for the Government"

CM tries to talk, only to be cut by the Anchor "We will come back after a break and you can say whatever you want in whatever time we allow"

In the break, advertisements of construction companies, mineral water manufacturers, logistics companies are played. The programme time of 30 minutes is consumed 18 minutes by Ads.

Anchor "Ok, Mr PIaMPaS XVII, tell us how this capital shift will promote your national building activities?

PIaMPaS "I am very grateful to ET. There will be a party before shifting, en route and after shifting. Many foreign dignatories, rich businessmen will come and my business errr…. cultural exchange will increase and that is a good news for socialites like me"

CM again tries to talk but is again interrupted by the Anchor "I know you have been patiently waiting but Mr. SOB XVI has something important to say about a proposed currency change, let us listen to him. (holds CM shoulder) and says "promise you will get your time" in a very deep passionate voice.

SOB XVI " Yeah, ET has plans to change the currency metal from gold to brass or copper. This will increase the gold reserves and create new opportunities for minting by private parties"

CM snatches the mike and screams "that would mean forged currency". SOB XVI winks at him but the camera intentionally avoids this wink. CM is still talking but his mike is switched off.

Meanwhile, Anchor "Mr CM you have had your say, I guess we have to end it here, at the end of the day, it is a great move by the ET, there will always be dissenting voices but the wheels of progress have to move, Good Night" and the music rolls, the anchor gets into a conversation with PIaMPaS.



To be continued in some randomly numbered part.

Hows news channels would have reported history - A Satire - Part II

News channels have mushroomed over the years. Very few provide news and most of them dish out biased views. Journalists who are twenty something armed with a degree in mass communication presume themselves to be next to the almighty in knowledge. The tendency to jump the gun has become a norm of the day. Discrediting a person, event or idea for them is like turning over the palm. Here I have made an attempt on how these channels would have reported certain well known events in history:

Headline
Eccentric Mathematician runs naked down the streets of Syraccus
Newscaster : Hold on, we have breaking news of a man running naked down the streets of syraccues, we will join our reporter who is at the spot.

Reporter: Yeah, there is a man running naked down the streets of Syraccus shouting expletives which are not very audible. Our sources say that this person is a mathematician who was given an assignment by the king but was unable to complete. Obviously, he has lost his head fearing the consequences of not completing his work. To throw light on the subject we have a psychologist………

Event
Archimedes runs down the streets of Syraccus shouting "Eureka, Eureka" after discovering the Archimedes principle.







Headline
Prince unable to handle pressure abandons family and kingdom

Newscaster : We have a breaking news of the princes missing from his Palace since last night. Let us join our reporter for the latest.
Reporter: Yes that is true. The prince is missing from yesterday. From our sources we understand that recently he had been on a tour of his kingdom and seen the effects of his misrule. As you know this kingdom has widespread poverty and this prince was not having any idea how to go about solving this problem. Our sources say that he has escaped from the kingdom unable to take the building pressure on him.

Event
Prince Siddhartha renounces worldly pleasures, his kingdom, later attains nirvana and becomes Gautam Buddha.

Headline
Tax Payers money goes down the drain, criminal negligence leads to discovery of a God forsaken land.

Newscaster: In another instance of gross negligence by a Government servant, carelessness and lack of knowledge has ensured loss of crores of tax payers money and discovery of a god forsaken land which will not be of any use to the country. We will join our reporter who is at the Government headquarters and has more details.

Reporter: Yeah, this is a serious case of negligence. Lack of planning and non involvement of experts has resulted in this huge land. This senior government officer was sent to discover the land of opportunities but due to his negligence have landed up at a god forsaken place which will be of no use to anybody for the next 1000 years also. The Government has to streamline the working of its employees on whom it has no control over. It may be noted that it was only recently a hefty pay hike was announced for the Government servants. blah…. blah….blah….blah.

Event
Christopher Columbus sets out to discover India but lands up in America.

Headline
Killer King turns Saint.

Newscaster: In a bizarre turn of events, a king who was responsible for killing of thousands of soldiers turns saint, let us join our reporter who has been at the spot ever since the battle began. Is it possible that the king is putting on a sorry figure to escape war crimes?

Reporter: Yeah, what you said is very true, it is a bizarre turn of events. Until yesterday this king was relishing killing people and all of a sudden he is turning a saint. As rightly pointed by you, he maybe trying to avoid war crime charges. Also reliable sources have informed us that the King has shifted most of his family and wealth abroad and may escape anytime to avoid war crime charges.

Event
Ashoka disgusted by the sufferings of Kalinga War turns to Buddhism

This is just a poke at the Media for sensationalizing for every event that takes place. There will be many more events reported in my blog until I get a weird new idea for writing or the Media corrects itself, whichever is later.

Part I of this satire will follow…………

How real is Sholay! just for fun

Ever wondered how much Sholay reflects real life. Here are some of them for you

Village besieged by dacoits, Thakur unable to take them on resorts to Outsourcing and brings in Jai and Veeru

Handless Thakur unable to pick the gun and shoot Motivational Speakers.

Endlessly chatting Basanti RJs, VJs, newsreaders,etc.

Gabar Singh Taxman

Radha All female colleagues who get their job done through you without meaning the smile nor the affection.

Surma Bhopali Commentators, Economists, Human Rights Activists, etc.

Dhanno Anti Virus Softwares/ Firewalls

Samba/ Hariram Nai Management Information Systems.

Imam (A K Hangal)/Ahmed (Sachin) Indian Middle Class or Bali ka Bakra

Jai's double sided coin Reality show voting system.

Angreez Zamane Ke Jailor  HR Managers

Gabar gunning down three of his accomplices Annual assessments

Veeru faking suicide Netas going on hunger strike/enquiry commissions/ press exposing 
scandals etc.

Jay Talking about Veeru's Marriage proposal Your boss representing your case for promotion 

Funny Unique Indian Personality types

Here is a list of individuals who make life so interesting in this country. 

OYC Female :- Outgoing Yet Conventional female. The same one who wears a plunging neckline and tries to clasp the non existent collar while praying in a temple. The same one who wears a sleeveless chudidhar and tries to cover her shoulders with the dupata. The same one who wears a tight jean and tries to hide her butt with her  short kurta/shopping bag, etc.

The UTH guy:-    The Under-repair Toothless Hairless guy.  He cannot look beyond his tummy and most of his joints crackle when moved at moderate speeds but still oggles  at every shapely B&B. Ratio of hair dyeing and teeth brushing is the same.  

The SoB:- The SpOrts federation Boss. He knows nothing about the task he is handling or has no achievement in the sport but firmly controls the administration. He often ridicules those who question his handling of the sport or his failing health. He screws up matters beyond redemption.

ICC : I  Carry Corruption. He mostly does not bother about what sort of allegations are levied against him but he will stick to his chair. He maybe in charge of the most sensitive portfolio in the country but will concentrate of running mindless bodies. He gives new meaning to the saying "Money is their god and how to make it is their religion".

PIMPS: Pseudo Intellectual Maniac Publicity Seeker.  You can find such individuals mostly in TV debates. They become middle class heroes thanks to visual media. The intention of such individuals is to be in the limelight and to get there, they come up with bizarre ideas, environmentally damaging proposals, childish acts which may threaten their security, crazy proposals for development, etc. In reality such individuals are hollow cylinders but have great PR skills.

GOPI/SIC: Gold Purchasing Idiot/Site Collector. Both are distinct individuals, however, if the income level is high or the level of obsessive compulsory disorder is high, an individual can be both. Such individuals won't holiday, eat or dress well but spend their lifetimes on accumulation.

BLISS : Bhakra Living In Superstitious Sentiments. He will dirty the street corner with a barrage of eggs on an Amavasya Day. He will not give a single morsel of food to a hungry person or have a street fight over paying extra five rupees to the auto driver but he will dump his family wealth and honor at the feet of a con godman. He strongly believes that evil spirits affects wealth and health of himself, his family and foes. The entrance of his house will have strange colored threads hanging all over.

LOOSE Money:  Lacks Optimistic Opinion Seeks Easy money. These sort of guys invest a good portion of their earning to buy lottery tickets, get rich quick schemes, etc but loose their money and end up as frustrated individuals blaming luck for most part of their lives.

BUDGET: Buys Discounted dead Goods Every Time: Always wants a better lifestyle but cant afford it at full rates. Spends most of his holidays browsing through newspaper for discount on clothes, furniture, provisions, holidays, vehicles, insurance policy, etc. 

What cannot be fixed in cricket?

It is quite obvious that cricket is the best bet for fixing a sporting event. It seems just about anything can be fixed in a cricket match but the truth is not so and here is the list of events in cricket which cannot be fixed:-

The possibilities of the game being played without a bat and ball.
The possibilities of the game being played without three stumps at each end of the pitch.
Players doing a strip-tease in the stadium when the game is on.
A slip fielder who catches the ball will throw it over the boundary ropes.
The wicket-keeper standing at the boundary for a spinner.
A batsman asking the umpire to place the sight screen between the bowler and him (batsmen having short pitch-o-phobia would love it).
A batsman refusing a boundary which has been signalled.
A non-sledging Australian cricketer.
A sub-continent spinner who appeals genuinely.
Ashish Nehra scoring a test century (because he will never get to face Indian bowling).

Sorry I can't think of anymore happenings in cricket which cannot be fixed, if you can think of any please add to the list. 

Despite all the fixing if you still like cricket, here is the dummy meter:-

1.You switch off the TV when you see cricket – You are the next best thing to happen to mankind after Einstien and Aryabhatta.
2.You watch cricket in bits and pieces – You will do well in your life.
3.You watch every bit of a cricket match – You must be the Sultan of Brunei or a senior citizen. If not both, you should be booked under IPC 302A for brutally killing time.
4.You are passionate about cricket – You should be in the Oscar Awards committee because you are the only hope for a Bollywood movie to win an Oscar.

Marvels Yesterday, Gravels Today - A nostagic look at Marvels which dazzeled us once!!

The new always replaces the old. We are nostalgic about things from the past which were once marvels that dazzled us. Today they are extinct and only the memories are left behind:

Black & White TV –In 80's, a household which had one was considered a middle class family. Today nobody manufactures a B&W TV.

Pagers – I think no other invention has had a shorter shelf life than pagers. It was a status symbol but today there is not even one company which offers pager services. SMSes have completely devoured this form of communication.

Record Players & Cassette Players – It has been years since I have seen a cassette player. It was such a craze to have a two in one at your home.

Steel Gift Items – It was such a craze to give steel pots, buckets, containers as gifts on every mentionable occasion. Thankfully it has become a thing of the past

Video Cassette Players – I think the VCPs had a longer shelf life compared to VCDs

Floppies – What a marvel it was once, where are they today?

Typewriters & Typewriting institutes – Once owning a typewriting institute was akin to owning an engineering college. Each day there used to be atleast 10 to 12 batches. Today I look around not even one typewriting institute I can see. Thank god typewriters are extinct today they were never made for type-errorists like me.

Telex & Telegrams – Telegrams are still around but I don’t know who uses it. Telex are truly extinct but once they dominated office communication like fax and emails do today.

Stencil Cutting & Cyclostlye Copies – They are the forefathers of photocopiers but the process was truly cumbersome. First you had to stencil cut a document and later cyclostyle it.

Bajaj Scooters – This is one process of extinction which hurt me the most. By the time I could start earning Bajaj scooters were never a status symbol and when I wanted to buy they were on their way out.

TV Antennas – Every household had one. It was a common sight to find people atop their roofs adjusting the position of antennas. Cables and DTH have put them out of business.

Caravan & The Illustrated Weekly of India – What a magazine Caravan was but never could keep pace with changing publication needs and became extinct, so did The Illustrated Weekly of India.

DD Metro – It was the ultimate compliment for DD National. The programming concept was more entertaining and liberal. For some reasons better known to Mandi House bosses, this channel became extinct.

The process of change is always going to be there. Ever thought what from our today's could become extinct tomorrow. Could it be the cumbersome hard disks, the space consuming LCD TV's, the slow scanners, the lethargic pens, what could it be? Today's Marvel is sure to be tommorrow's Gravel.

Come let us celebrate Independence Day - a prose

Come let us celebrate Independence Day - a prose

http://leadcap.org/

My experiences with road rage

May contain adult content and to be read only by those comfortable with such stuff.

Now that I have been driving for the past one year, I have been a part of road rage. I have received and shown ire more than a few times. There have been a few occasions when I have given back witty replies which totally shut out the ire of other driver.

Here I was in the beginning of my driving experience and on an empty road going at a very slow pace, a SUV overtook me and asked “Are you driving a bullock cart?” I replied “Yes boss, I have just painted it red and put a steering to it”.

Once more, I was driving uphill and a goods tempo was ahead of me. Going uphill, I should have switched to 2^nd gea,r given that I was still a beginner, but chose to drive in the 3^rd gear. All of a sudden the tempo driver took a right turn and my engine got switched off while applying the brake. Consequently, a Swift which was coming behind also got switched off. The Swift guy overtook me and told “F*** you”. I just replied “Thanks but I am straight”. He had a great sense of humor and laughed it off.

Everybody who drives a four wheeler considers two wheelers as a nuisance on the road and vice versa. Here was one two wheeler trying to overtake me from a narrow opening available on the right but I did not give him way. Finally he managed to curve around the divider and overtake me. To celebrate his victory, he showed me his middle finger. We had to stop at the same place in different lanes. The guy was heavily built and there was no way I would get into an argument with him. When the signal was about to go green, I rolled down my windows and asked him “Boss, yours is so small”. Before he could react, I was off in a fizz and he could not change lanes.

Here I would like to end this piece with this forwarded email on road rage.

GARBAGE TRUCK

One day, I hopped into a taxi and took off for the airport. We were  

driving in the right lane when suddenly, a black car, jumped out of a  

parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed the brakes,  

skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. I   mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that?   This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the  

Garbage Truck' He explained, "Many people are like garbage trucks.   They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger,   and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a   place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. NEVER take it   personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on with the   routine life.

Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do   not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so......   'Love

the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.'

As very rightly said quote:-

Life is 10% what you make and 90% how you take!

Road Rage is not good for your physical and mental health. Just ignore small mistakes by others. There is nothing you achieve by swearing and cursing at others. If the mistake has caused substantial damage to you or your vehicle, just call the traffic cop. You need not lose your dignity and health having a slanging match in the middle of a road.

The Tramp and Travelling Salesman

The Tramp and Travelling Salesman(TS) are the best of friends. Both are very interested in affairs of the society, TS having more a balanced view whereas the TT cannot think beyond his stomach. Once they met over and exchanged their views

TS” Hi man! How have you been over the fortnight?”

Tramp “Great buddy! Got to eat at a couple of lavish weddings, been part of a few political rallies and was part of a rioting crowd during a bandh and did good with a bounty of valuables. How have you been?”

TS “ Very miserable, Political rallies and bandhs means no business for me”

Tramp “What to do one man’s food is another man’s poison?”

TS” In all these years, my food has never become your poison”

Tramp “He who knows no shame knows no difficulties. You are facing the difficulties of working hard”

TS” Just look at me, I have to wear a tie, a clean shirt and shoes but for you dirtier the dress the more better”

Tramp “Yeah, but tell me why do you have to do all this style? Are you customers so posh?”

TS “Yes boss, lots of rich people buy from me because my company sells a lot of factory seconds and fakes of fancy brands”

Tramp “Really, then who buys from the showrooms”

TS” Middle class”

Tramp “Yeah, ever since the middle class has had this implants of EMI and credit cards, they have gone haywire”

TS “You can talk like this because inflation never hurts you”

Tramp laughing “No that’s not true, the quality and quantity of biryani that is served in the political rallies has come down very badly. The Government should do something about rising prices”

TS “You just can’t think beyond your stomach but the Government has a bigger vision and doing their best to control inflation. They monitor crop output regularly to study the impact on prices”

Tramp “What is the point? They can’t store the crops when they are harvested and most of it is consumed by rodents and pests. Why can’t they release the stock into open market?”

TS “You don’t understand, the Government cannot act so irrationally. They have to worry about the commodity exchange also”

Tramp “What is this commodity exchange?”

TS “Just like stock exchange, where instead of stock futures, commodity futures are traded”.

Tramp “Unbelievable, stocks have no value, so they have to be traded but why food grains, they already have a value?”

TS begins to talk but is interrupted by Tramp who says “I don’t understand granting voting rights to NRI’s. These are the same set of guys who rarely voted when they were in the country and left the country because they did not find it profitable enough”

TS” I am quitting for the day. The guy who writes this script gives all the punch dialogues to you and I have to play the role of priest as always”

Tramp “I know he makes me say some of the things which a tramp would never know. Anyhow he now wants us to stand for the theme song”

We are like this

We are like this

Screaming our throats for and against same Gothra marriages

Turning a blind eye to rodents eating food grains

We are like this

We are like this

Worried about NRI voting rights

Not worried about the citizen’s eating rights

We are like this

We are like this

To be continued LITTER

The Fake News Room

The Fake News Room

http://leadcap.org/

India the No.1 test team??

India is the No.1 Test team. Is it time to celebrate or time to wail about the empty cupboard we have? Let us get it right we are not going to finish this calendar year as the No.1 test team. Indian cricket reminds me of the famous saying “Water, Water all around but not a single drop to drink”.

Who are the batsmen who will don the mantle after Sachin, Rahul and VVS hang up their boots. Except Sehwag, Gambir and Dhoni, there is hardly any batsman who can last long!? Rohit Sharma and Suresh Raina got thoroughly exposed for their weakness against the short ball during the second edition of IPL. With the over emphasis on IPL, the situation can only get grim. By the way, how many more runs Mohammed Kaif has to score before being considered for a national recall. If runs in Ranji Trophy and Duleep Trophy don’t mean anything, why hold them in the first instance?

Except Zaheer Khan, on-off Ishanth Sharma, injury prone Sreesanth and once in a blue moon performer Harbhajan Singh we don’t have a bowling attack which can win matches leave alone abroad even within India. No serious attempt has been made to develop a battery of potent bowlers. There is nobody who is pushing the existing bowlers in the team. Just look at the Australian team (may not be the No.1 team) are they feeling the absence of Lee? No, because there is an army of bowlers waiting to outdo each other. Test matches are won by bowlers who can take wickets but who will educate the mandarins of Indian Cricket on this?

About Indian fielding, in the 80’s it was said that ball should catch the fielder’s hands and today the situation is not much different. This is despite fielding coaches, drills and blah blah! Why does not BCCI improve the quality of outfields in our stadiums? Can’t we get grassier outfields? Do we lack resources?

The National Cricket Academy has been in existence for the past decade or so. How many genuine test batsmen or bowlers it has produced? Other than Gautam Gambir can’t remember any other name! We have a plethora of coaches and it may not be far away when you have a right hand bowling/batting and left hand bowling/batting coach. India’s best victory in international arena came under an Indian coach i.e. Lalchand Rajput and that is the irony.

BCCI has just become a money minting machinery. They are least bothered about development of test cricket. IPL is the only mantra everybody chants be it the administrators, players, budding players or even the spectators. It is a sort of disrespect to test cricket that India is the number one test team because we just don’t have the heart, intent and resources to continue there.

Balus Corner: Technological Scare/ Nothing is better than something

Balus Corner: Technological Scare/ Nothing is better than something





http://leadcap.org/

Technological Scare/ Nothing is better than something

Oh! No this blog is not about the technological scare, whole of country is discussing about these days. This is about two technological scares I had in my personal over the past few months. This is about how being old fashioned saved the day for me.

Gone are the days when I used to remember most numbers. Now I key them into the mobile and dial the numbers as and when I require. How disastrous can that be? Recently the software of my mobile crashed. I only have numbers in my mobile and few snaps taken during trips and functions. Other than that, I don’t store anything naughty in my mobile nor do I store any games yet the software got corrupted and so with it went all the memory. I don’t know the reasons for it but only consequence was all the numbers stored in it went for a toss. One good thing I always do is that every number I add to the mobile the same is written down in a diary also. Baring a couple of numbers, I was able to get back all the numbers. Least to say, the process of keying the numbers was painful. Actually, painful is an understatement. This being a family blog site, I will refrain from using the exact words!

The next technological scare came to me in an ATM. Last month I was asked to go to Delhi on an official trip. A trip to Delhi during the winter months means demand from your family for sweaters and other woolen garments. My case was no different. My flight was scheduled for 11:30 am in the morning. At around 8 am, I went to an ATM for withdrawing money to make all the purchases. It happened to be a Sunday and I put my card in to withdraw the money. The dreaded ATM developed software problem and went blank. My card was swallowed into the machine and there was nothing I could do about it. Immediately, I rushed to other bank ATM where I have an account. As my bad luck would have it, there also the ATM was down. Meanwhile the taxi driver had come to my residence. Add to this a call from my boss to recheck some of the figures mentioned in a statement. There was no option but to rush back home to be in time for the flight. Here again, my technological obsolete reflexes saved me the day. I frequently put aside some money in a cash box to provide for any exigencies. When I had started this “old fashioned saving”, I never knew one day it will save me from a technological disaster. I dug into those savings and could make all the purchases. It is another matter of fact that to get back the card from “this premier private sector bank” I had to run from pillar to post for 2 weeks.

These crises and the Satyam fiasco have taught me one good lesson “it saves to be old fashioned”. Henceforth, I have resolved that all my investments will be in the form of Kissan Vikas Patra of Indira Vikas Patra. Atleast I will still have the principal in my hand and the day the Post Office says it does not have money to pay back my deposits, I can very well assume that the country’s finances itself have crashed. Whatever it maybe no more share market investments for me. I would rather prefer to indulge in luxurious expenditure for me and my family and waste the money rather than allow others to make merry with my life savings.

In some cases “Nothing is better than something” because the something which remains back will hurt you more than the nothing.

MLM dreams

-->

This is the story of Bolenath who was sucked into the eternal dream of attaining financial freedom through one of the multi level marketing scheme called “Network Way”

Bolenath had just finished his work and returning home by his scooter. It started raining and he took shelter under a nearby tree. One more guy came in his bike and also took shelter under the same tree. The rain was steady and Bole was admiring the cars driving past him. A Merc passed by him and he could not resist turning around for a second look.

The guy next to him told “How nice it would be if you had such a car?”

Bolenath laughed and said “Nice thought! I can’t even afford to pay for even its one service”

The guy replied “How if I taught you a way to buy that car”

Bolenath quipped “Loot the bank which is opposite to us”

The guy “No, I will teach you how to build a pipeline of money”

Bolenath “What? Who is going to provide the flow? What sort of business are we getting into?”

The Guy “Hi! My name is Shant. Here is my card, You can call me tomorrow morning we will discuss in detail. My only request is not to discuss with anybody about our meeting until you know the full truth. It is upto you whether you want to let go an opportunity of lifetime, just write down your biggest dreams and we will talk about it tomorrow”

Bole said “ok”. Soon it stopped raining and they went their way. That night Bole’s dreams were full of money all around him. He was imagining how nice it would be if they had a big flat and a Mercedes. How nice it would be if he can take his wife and daughter to Switzerland? How wonderful it would be if he could be the boss? Bole wrote down all these things in a slip and went to office the next day.

As soon as he reached office, the first thing he did was to call Shant. Shant was articulate in his talk and fuelled his dreams. He added more colors to them. He asked Bole to meet him that evening outside a prominent community hall. He told an expert from Australia would explain the business and that Bole would have to pay Rs.300 to listen to him. Bole agreed and went that evening to the appointed place.

Inside the lecture hall, flash power point presentations were shown about the products; business model; small clipping of a financial expert’s talk in which he professed need to build a pipeline, blah, blah; videos of foreigners who were successful in the business and mighty rich, etc.

Later the successful domestic business owners were introduced. Everybody introduced themselves as a professional and how fed up with the 9 to 5 job they had turned to business and were fast heading towards financial freedom. They also boasted how “Network Way” had changed their lives. One guy who was from one of the IIMs said that this business had taught him more than his education at the IIM. Infact some of them had already become mighty rich just like the foreigners. Except for a few, the dress of most of them was middle class and not the super-rich they were supposed to be.

The products were introduced and most of them were of daily consumption. It was stated that your profit margin would be as high as 40% and this amount otherwise go the dealers in conventional business. It was also stated that an individual by using this products and recommending them to others could make truckloads of money. The task of referring to others it was said was as simple as recommending a movie to your friend.

Next the expert from Australia spoke. He showed with pictorial proof how his life style was 10 years ago and how it is now? It was another matter of fact that the “supposedly 10 year old photos” seemed more new than the “supposedly new photos”. He boasted how his children went to the same school as the children of a legendary Australian cricketer and how both of them met for a drink. He even showed pictorial proof of the same but the picture seemed to convey that more than having a drink together this guy was serving the cricketer! He showed pictures of his home which seemed like a “resort” out of “Discovery Travel and Living”.

After the meeting Shant introduced Bole to C. Halu (chalu!) who was his upline in the business. He worked for a major software giant that offered him only a monthly salary but not financial freedom. Bole was totally sold to the credentials of the guy.

Bole was given a few CDs to listen to. The CDs contained all the good things how great the business was; how credible the company was; how important the CDs, meetings and books were for success, blah, blah.

Bole could not wait to sign up for the business. He called up Shant and got this reply “Don’t hurry, take an informed decision”. Bole was very impressed with Shant’s discretion and he started trusting him wholly. Shant told that this is a family business and he would be coming down to Bole’s house with his family on the following Sunday. They should first understand each other and later think about initiating the business. He also asked Bole to get a couple of friends to his residence to introduce them to the business.

Bole waited for the d-day when Shant and his family would come home. He asked his wife Gudiya to remain at home. He called a dozen of his friends, most of them found a pretext to refuse him and one of them said on his face “If it is Network Way, don’t make a bakra out of yourself Bole”. Bole would not listen to him because he was blinded to the “Financial Freedom” dreams.

On the appointed day Shant came with his family in a rickety car. Gudiya nudged Bole and asked “Is this the success he has achieved in 2 years of doing this business?’ Bole gave an angry glare and that was the end of her reasoning. A few friends and relatives turned up at Bole’s house just to keep him in good humor and the relationship going.

Shant took Bole outside and guided him how he should praise him in front of the guests before he started his presentation. Bole did the same but nobody signed up for the business. Shant said the reason was because Bole had not signed up for the business. He told “You cannot ask others to jump into the water and swim, when you are standing on the banks”. Bole paid the Rs.5000 for signing up. Shant told that he could get a refund of the money within 180 days if he was not satisfied with the business.

Next week one more meeting was arranged in Bole’s residence. Nobody signed up. Bole looked quizzingly at Shant and got this reply “You don’t have the tools for being successful in this business. You have to sign for the CDs and books programme”. The monthly cost was Rs.2500/-. The CDs were priced each at Rs.250 and the books at Rs.1000 each. Bole would get 6 CDs every month and a book. The same books were available at Rs.500 in the most reputed book stall of the town. When asked he was told “This is the royalty you have to pay to listen to the success stories of experts. The book price is compensation for the experts who read books from world wide and recommend the best book for you”. He was told that once he became successful, his cassettes too would come out and he would get royalty from sale of those in addition to the money he earned by selling products. He would also be paid for reading and referring books. This he was told would be more than the income earned by selling products. It was explained to him that he was making an “investment” and should not crib about it because the returns would be unimaginable.

Next the product kit was delivered to him and to his shock all the products were priced atleast three to four times a high end product in the open market in its category was priced. When he questioned Shant, he replied “These products are made from natural components and are value products. A paste purchased here would last you 3 times more number of days than one from the open market. Moreover you get a discount and also it is your product, if you don’t use it, how can you recommend it to others. Here buy this VCD which contains all details about the manufacturing process and pricing details, it is just Rs.250/-. Because you are a distributor you will get it at Rs.200/-“

After seeing the VCD, Bole was totally sold to the “Network Way” dream. He used a pinch of the toothpaste believing that it is sufficient to take care of his dentures. A drop of shampoo was all that his little daughter Sheetal was allowed to use. She loved to foam her shampoo but was not allowed to do. The hall became a place for regular business meetings. She could not watch her favorite cartoons. Friends who did not sign up for the business were not treated very kindly. Weird strangers started coming home. She found Shant uncle and his family extremely artificial and plastic. The little angle was feeling really let down.

Only “Network Way” CDs could be played in the music system. You see, you have to listen to positive things, if you have to grow in the business. The business was not growing but Bole was advised to stay focused on the dreams. The Bole family was getting socially isolated. People were scared to cross his path, least he should prospect them for the business or sell a product. Bole was advised to stay away from such negative people.

Next Bole had to attend meetings. There were 4 type of meetings viz, Weekly, Monthly, Quarterly (regional) and the Annual convention. A weekly meeting cost Rs.300; a monthly Rs.1000; a quarterly Rs.2500 and the annual convention Rs.4000/-. Ofcourse the company was gracious enough to give huge discounts if you booked the tickets well in advance much like airline pricing. These meetings were essential to keep the spirit going and you need to be amongst people of your tribe to think big. Ofcourse, how could you afford to miss out on the talks of all the experts from abroad? The meetings were badly organised. There was no proper ventilation in the halls. Bole had to pay even for a glass of water to drink leave alone complimentary snacks. Bole felt like paying for an “Executive Air class” air ticket and getting “Budget Airline” treatment.

The business was going nowhere. Whenever he asked questions, he was sold one more study material with an instruction “The expert in this CD/ book also felt same as you early in his business”. This was not it, he was supposed to sell atleast 2 or 3 CD subscriptions and bring along atleast 20 people to the annual convention that was to take place the next month. Bole had sponsored atleast 10 people to the monthly meetings and a lot more for the weekly meetings. He did not dare to repeat it for the regional and annual conventions. For this lapse, he was chided by Shant.

Selling products and getting commission was not easy as projected. Every month you had to make a minimum sale to get a commission. Otherwise, the points accrued will be carried to the next month. Even if you reach threshold of the minimum commission you cannot get it in cash (It was said in the meetings though that Network Way would pay its distributors in cash). If you had to get your commission in cash, you had to reach a higher threshold.

Bole was five months into the business. Not even one downline had signed up to do business under him. The house was full of CDs, books, products, etc. Gudiya dared to ask him “What do you think we are doing with our savings?”

Bole said “I don’t know but they say so many people across the world have been successful at it. That is why I am so serious about it. You know how much our personal life has changed after this. We have exhausted 50% of the savings we had for changing the flooring of this house”.

Gudiya replied “I mailed to my brother details of all these Australians who are supposed to be mighty rich and here is the reply”

Bole saw the reply and got a shock of his life. Most of the guys were mechanics, car drivers, and plumbers in real life. The cars shown in the slides belonged to rental companies. The houses shown in the videos were fancy resorts owned by some one else. As suspected the guy who was supposed to have a drink with a cricketer was a bartender in the pub which the cricketer frequented.

The next day Bole applied leave and went to do an antecedent check on the projected domestic success. The biggest domestic success was living in a garage shed and doing accounting jobs for small businesses. The IIM guy was the only guy who was having a posh lifestyle, that too because of his job and least of all due to this business, as was revealed by Bole’s enquiry.

Bole went home bundled all the cassettes and books. He took an auto to Shant residence (Shant lived in a modest house not because he did not have money but because he was investing into the business. Moreover, he wanted to build a dream house much like the bartender had!). He dumped it at his doorstep and said “This is the end of the Rs.75,231 nightmare for me. I won’t get back the amount atleast I hope I get back my friends”. Shant tried to stop him but got a solid punch on his face and the words “Apply some leather cleaner for the wounds, you are a thick skinned a** h***”.

Bole came home called up all his friends and told them that he was throwing a party to celebrate his successful escape from the “Millionaire Dreams” of Network Way. Most of them turned up and life was back to normal.

Bole never stopped for rains anywhere because he purchased for himself a car no it was not the Merc but a second hand Santro. Yeah, he did get refund of Rs.5000/- , the amount he had invested for buying the product kit. The books were good and Bole kept them for reading. He used the refund amount to buy Gudiya a mobile phone and got himself a new SIM card.

Sheetal was happy with her dad’s decision because she could get back to watching cartoons and doing doll parties on Sundays with her friends. No more business meetings in her drawing room.

Balu

The above mentioned Balu also became an Ullu to the MLM dream but not as bad as Bole