Satire Facebook status updates by me on Marriage and Love

A compilation of status updates on Facebook posted by me about marriage and love. This is what you do when you run out blog ideas. Anyhow enjoy it if you have taken the trouble to read this blog.

Friend 1 : There is total consensus in every decision made at my home.
Friend 2: Great, your wife is such a nice lady
Friend1: No, she always makes the decision and I have to always give the consent :p :p :p"

****

If there were no memories, there would be no poems, novels, pshycatrists and most importantly Mr. Mallya will be in serious financial trouble :p" **** "Everytime I see a guy getting married, I am happy that there will be one more pleasantly tortured guy on the streets :p" **** "How to understand a woman? That book is written in 800 words The book first asks you what language you know and becomes legible in the language you have no idea about Eg for a chinese in telugu :-P" **** "If in a jewellery/garment shop, you find a guy in casuals, staring at nothing, you can take it for granted that he is married and patiently waiting for his wife  to make her choice :-P:-P:-P" *** "What sort of husband a girl hopes for? An Idol like behaved guy but who is not Idle and earns more than an Ideal income has lot of idle time to  idolise her attitudes. now tommorrow no Idlis for me If my wife sees this :p" *** Guys, your wife may not know Karate or Judo but sure she knows how to aim the rolling pin at you :-P:-P:-P" *** "If your dreams dont motivate you, let your nightmare do that and if both dont, get married.:-P:-P" *** The guy who said "All good things have to come to an end " obviously had his bachelorhood in mind :-P:-P:-P" *** "Dont laugh at your wife's choice because one of them is you, ofcourse you can get angry at her :p" *** "Home made food is healthy because you can’t have too much of it:-P:-P:-P:-P" *** "An intelligent husband is one who knows to say "No"  when his wife says "you like it". : :p ***     "I don't know how men forget their anniversaries, how can you forget the day when you became a willing victim :p :p :p :p"   ***   Every man should get married, only marriage can get the philosopher or humourist  out of you :-P:-P:-P" ***   "Marriage is the perfect example for how Pavlov's effect works :P" *** "Boy "I love you more than my life" Girl "Ok, how much are you insured for?"" *** "love is the biggest blunder one can commit." *** All woman hate make up, dieting, so how come cosmetic companies, dieticians are growing ? :-P"

My facebook profile is https://www.facebook.com/balu.a.m

Once upon a timeline ..... childhood stories re-written

Times have changed, chatting with friends on Facebook, rather than face-to-face, is the in-thing. It is not far off, when stories will start with “once upon a timeline”. Here, a list of childhood stories re-written for the once upon a timeline generation.

The Thirsty Crow

Once upon a timeline, there lived a crow. One day he was thirsty, he saw a pot full of water in a friend's friend’s profile. However, he could not drink it because the images were protected. So the crow went ahead and liked all the post on the friend's friend’s timeline and later messaged him for water, the friend's friend shared it with the crow.

Moral: If anybody holds your lifeline, like all that is there in their Facebook timeline :p

Hare and Tortoise

Once upon a timeline, a tortoise and rabbit had a race on whose page will have maximum likes one year later. After one year, the tortoise had more likes on his page, because the rabbits mating season lasts nine months.

Moral: If you are busy ******* around, it does not matter whether you are Mallya or a rabbit, you are bound to lose :p.

The Cap Seller and The Monkeys

Once upon a time line, a businessman had a problem of lot of monkey’s posting spam on his page. He could not get rid of them. Then he remembered the trick of the cap seller dropping his hat. He copied the same idea and un-liked his own page, the moneys were smarter, they took over the page and blocked him out.

Moral: Just because someone is monkeying around, it does not mean that they don’t upgrade their knowledge :p

The Shepherd Who Cried Wolf Wolf

Once upon a timeline, there was a guy who had a laptop with dongle. He used to upload a lot of pictures on his Facebook account and annoyingly tag all his friends. One day, after having lunch at a restaurant, he realized that he had lost his wallet. Immediately, he tagged his picture with a request to help him out. All his friends thought it was a usual tag and ignored it. He had to pledge his valuables and pay the bill.

Moral:- Don’t tag anybody without a reason because when you tag with one people will ignore it.

if you want anymore of childhood stories to be re-written with such obnoxious morals, feel free to contact me :p

Happy Navarathri

If the apple that fell on Newton's head...........

What would have happened if the apple that fell on Newton’s head had fallen on the following  heads

Myself – I would have thanked my stars for a free apple.

Arvind Kejriwal – he would have investigated to which politician the orchard belonged to.

Silent Man of India – He would not open his mouth even to eat the apple leave alone comment or think on it or even if he opens his mouth he would say he never noticed it falling on his head.

Anti Left Lady from the East of India – She will say the apple is a leftist which wanted to hurt her intellect.

Chetan Bhagath – He will write a book `a day in the apple orchard’.

Ravi Shastri – it came like a tracer bullet.

Khap Panchayat Leader – they should not allow the apples to ripen.

Apple  – That apple may fall but not this APPLE unless the mango people don’t become jackfruits

Confused Accounting Gentelman of India – This has caused 196 followed by as many no of zeros you want loss to the exchequer

India TV reporter – this is the handiwork of a creature from Mars whom we just saw

Vijay Mallya – this will be the dress code for the models in my next calendar

Arnab Goswami – The nation demands an answer how the apple could fall exactly on my head when I was sitting under it. Don’t go away we will back in a couple of minutes on Newshour.

MS Dhoni – well, you know, the apple, you know, did not know that we carry the weight of a billion people on our shoulders and we cannot carry a bulb on our head

George Bush – This Apple is a part of Saddam’s WMD and we should bomb Iraq once again, somewhere he is hiding

Sreedevi – Apple Gipple falling gilling on gone my hi head shed

IIPM Scholar – think beyond  gravity.

Tamil Nadu leader – The water used for growing this apple could have been given to us.

…………. I have run out of imagination and hence the end.

I Me and Myself define who the COMMON MAN is

I, Me and Myself met up to discuss the adverse impact of Government’s reform measures on the COMMON MAN at this restaurant which is not common either in terms of menu or the price tag

I believes that even a guy who owns a successful   .com is a common man and entitled to all the benefits a guy in a house big as this is entitled to.

Me believes I.

Myself believes that anybody who daily earns  less  than   X + (X-5)*X/27 - 4% VAT IS A COMMON MAN   where X is the famous figure available in the link in the equation.

As always our consciences ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON accompanied us.

I started by saying `inflation is unbearable and now this increase in price of diesel and limitation of subsidized gas cylinders, we the common man are doomed’

ICON `possibly government wants our savings to have a size zero look’

Me `the running cost of my diesel car will increase. This is anti-common man’

Myself `when did car become a common man’s vehicle?’

I `because he drives it by himself’

ICON `thank god, he did not tell because he drives it without the A/C on’

Me `how to manage our budget with 6 subsidised gas cylinders’

MECON `certainly big worry for a guy who has an Italian kitchen with state of art cooking systems’

ICON `the problem is six subsidised gas cylinders will not be enough even to fuel his delivery vans for a month’’

Myself `if we are a common man, than what do you call the guy who earns Rs.35 a day?’

ICON `man in coma because only he can earn such ridiculously low amounts’

I `let him name himself whatever he wants, we have taken over common man space’

Me `and we are entitled to it, we pay the taxes, the toll charges, what he does do except feed off the Government’

MECON `Wonder who takes the tax deductions, fuel subsidies, subsidised IIT seats, etc’

Myself `why should an individual with a good five figure monthly salary require subsidised gas cylinders?’

ICON`this common man loves only free hits when it comes to subsidies’

I `let them give six subsidised gas cylinders but either double its size or increase its fuel efficiency’

ICON ` here afterwards even the gas delivery boy will not be spared of this question

Me `we end up paying huge sums for the education of our children, over and above this increase in fuel and cooking gas cost’’

MECON` government should come up with a proposal - free fuel and domestic gas to all those parents who send their children to government schools’

ICON ` instead the common man will prefer to eat uncooked food :p’

Myself `common man wants world class infrastructure but not pay for it’

I `money does not grow on the tree even for us’

ICON `as it is we have cut all the trees’

Me `let the government introduce FDI in retail and whatever sector they want, we welcome it’

I `let them abolish the subsidies to poor which is making them lazy’

Myself `so you both don’t mind the small retailer going out of business or the poor dying out of hunger’

I `why should we, after all we will get cheaper products, more jobs and cheaper fuels if such reforms are implemented’

Myself `you can’t see behind your immediate needs, I am quitting this argument, let’s talk something else’

MYSELFCON `you should not only quit this argument but quilt these guys together’

As the three switch topics, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON indulge in singing

Common ,Common, Common Man

He can never think behind his clan

Hates to sacrifice even the pie in his chart

Desire to feed on the system makes him feel smart

Government to him is like the bell in Pavlov’s effect

Common, Common, Common Man

He can never think behind his clan

He doesn’t mind to pay for a luxury

But cribs to pay for a necessity

Government he feels is the almighty

Which should build a strong and efficient country

While subsidizing his kitty to make it a bounty

Common, Common Common Man

He can never think behind his clan

If only he can

Horrorscope for fashionists

This is the horror-scope for fashionists this week

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – Due to the entry of Saturn into Venus, your attempts at wardrobe malfunction will flop very badly.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – The struggle between Saturn and Pluto over entry into Venus will ensure that your ramp shoes turn into skates.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Due to Jupiter’s attraction to Moon, you will find that your body odor sinks your deodrant but you say to the world it is the latest biogas variant from France.

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – Due to water dispute between Moon and Mars, you wearing soiled clothes to parties will become the environment friendly trend of the fortnight.

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – Due to bandh in Mercury, you will be unable to upload on FB the latest leather accessories you have brought.

Virgo (August 23 − September 22) – Due to Uranus ire about diesel price rise, your waist belt will crack on the ramp and vastness of size zero waist will get revealed.

Libra (September 23 − October 22) – Due to presence of Curosity on Mars, all silicon will vanish from Earth and you will find only these models are available

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – Due to friction between Earth and Moon, your vanity bag will malfunction on the ramp and all your unpaid bills will lie scattered for public viewing.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – Fed up with struggle between Saturn and Pluto, Venus flirts with Uranus and as a result of this your planned wardrobe malfunction in the portico goes unnoticed.

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – Due to peace between Saturn and Pluto, your controversial statement about sexual preferences is welcomed by the moral police.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – Due to Venus break up with Uranus, this becomes the show stealer for you on the ramp

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – Due to new found friendship of Saturn and Mars, combined with your waning popularity, you come up with weird idea of walking the ramp on this vehicle (you tube video).

If you don’t think you will experience any of these conditions during the week, you have wasted your precious time reading this blog, shame on you.

Horrorscope for Shoppers

Visit for an exclusive shopping experience in Bangalore

This is the horror-scope for shoppers this week

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – Waiting for your wife to finish shopping, you find that plants have become trees.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – You will get an irresistible offer on a purchase of washing powder, a meal coupon for your entire family on a budget airline.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Your luck runs out, colleagues and friends discover that premium brands you wear are two seasons old designs, picked up at discount sales.

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – You will be made the brand ambassador for window shopping.

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – You try to run up an escalator and it starts moving at 60 kmph.

Virgo (August 23 − September 22) – IT sleuths will come behind you for buying monthly provisions at one go.

Libra (September 23 − October 22) – You will be approached by the city’s leading newspaper to write a weekly column on freebies distributed in product launches at various malls.

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – Hesitating to pay parking fee at the mall, you park your vehicle in a no parking area, come back to find this cop waiting for you with his team.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – Your entry will be banned by shopping malls for writing blogs, FB and twitter updates against FDI in retail and for that you will boycotted by your spouse/children.

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – The CCTV in your favorite shopping mall will give you birthday bumps.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – You will require to buy this storage unit for the free gifts you have won at promotional events.

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – This Monday morning you will drive to the nearest shopping mall instead of your office.

If you don’t experience any of these conditions during the week, please go and present yourself before producer of this show.

for the best shopping experience in Bangalore visit

Horror-scope for News reporter and Journalists

Ever since I wrote this horrorscope, news reporters and journalists have been hounding me to write one for them. So here it goes

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – You will find that your newspaper had become the No.1 because of its utility on window panes.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – You will finish a heated TV debate, go to the wash room and suddenly say this to yourself.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Your seedy conversations will become the breaking news of the month

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – Your government sources will get revealed and it is this

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – Your hunt for the next TRP generating middle class Icon will end up with this fake.

Virgo (August 23 − September 22) –. You will get a birthday gift of this from God.

Libra (September 23 − October 22) – Your worse fears will be confirmed; your citizen journalists are starting a channel on their own.

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – Movie producers will bribe you to give bad reviews, because audience throng to see such movies.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – You will discover that CAGs next report is about concessions given by Government to media houses and losses to the exchequer

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – Desperate for breaking news, your editor asks you go to Mars and do a sting on Curosity.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – You will discover that these ads are fetching more revenue than the ads  telecast during your news bulletins.

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – You start an ad program with Google Adsense for your entertainment programs but find to your shock that most of the ads based on keywords is for this  product or this one

In case you are a journalist/news reporter and don’t experience any of these, please join a NGO and serve the poor. If you experience all of the 12, apply for lifetime achievement award in journalism.

Horror-scope for Bangaloreans

I tried blogging to supplement my income but is not working. My Google Adsense account has been banned thanks to an overzealous friend. To ensure earnings from blogs, I have decided to write horror-scopes for various categories of people. Charity begins at home, so does experiment and keeping in tune with this sentiment, I am starting out with writing horror-scope for Bangalore citizens.

Aries (March 21 − April 19) – You will find your parking space occupied by garbage because garabage generated by you does not have a parking space.

Taurus (April 20 − May 20) – Today if it rains heavily you will find that Bangalore has replaced Udaipur as city of lakes because you will find a lake in every road of Bangalore on your drive back home.

Gemini (May 21 − June 20) – Today you will start believing that Bangalore roads are the arena for xtreme sports.

Cancer (June 21 − July 22) – Your harassed psyche   will start suspecting that Curosity pictures are from some landfill for Bangalore garbage.

Leo (July 23 − August 22) – You would want to go on a hunger strike until footpath is renamed as lootpath.

Virgo (August 23 − September 22) – You would want to go on knees and prostrate before the CAG if they can tell you how many lakhs of crores Bangaloreans have lost due to a non - existent infrastructure.

Libra (September 23 − October 22) – You will believe that you are driving on American roads not because of the quality of roads but because most two wheelers are driving on wrong side of the road and the traffic cops are doing nothing about it.

Scorpio (October 23 − November 21) – You would want to know from the athletics federation why Bangalore pedestrians are not allowed to compete in the Olympics. Even Usain Bolt can’t cross a speeding vehicle more quickly.

Sagittarius (November 22 − December 21) – You would want to scream at Mallya `If you had run KFA with purely profit only model like BMTC buses, your model airhostess would have still been employed’

Capricorn (December 22 − January 19) – Your poor mathematics skills will suggest that going to Mars is cheaper than buying a house in Bangalore.

Aquarius (January 20 − February 18) – You would want the IIMs to include a chapter in their syllabus on `How to convince Bangalore autowallas to go where you want to?’

Pisces (February 19 − March 20) – You would want to know from BESCOM why power supply quality is as unstable as the ministry in power.

For  tomorrow’s forecast please interchange with the sun sign of your liking and if on any day, you have all the 12 experiences, please contact  here for  further  assistance.

I Me and Myself Rave, Rant and Ruin Poetry

I, Me and Myself met up with poetry on mind.

I raves about poetry;

 Me rants about it

and Myself ruins poetry.

As usual our consciences ICON, MECON and MYSELFCON participated in the meet.

We met up in an Italian restaurant `Chianti’.

Myself `I think if you can read this menu with an Italian accent, that itself would be poetry’

MYSELFCON `AND IF YOU CAN APPRECIATE THIS FOOD, THAT WOULD BE A BIG MYSTERY’

Me giving Myself a dismissive look `what sense does poetry make? Why cannot it be expressed as a prose?’

I `Wordsworth once said poetry is spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings’

Myself starts giggling uncontrollably while I and Me gave him a stern look understanding what was on his mind.

MYSELFCON ` HIS SPONTANEOUS OVERFLOW CANNOT BE POETRY FOR FAMILY READING :P ‘

Me `how can you say that? A picture can say a thousand words’

I `How can picture express your feelings about a female’s attitude, for that you require poetry’

ICON `ESPECIALLY IF IT IS THROWING PLATES, GLASSES AT HIM OR AT TIMES HIS MATTRESS OUT OF THE HOUSE’

Me `ok, what makes poetry more superior to prose?’

I `Poetry has to be short and each word counts’

Me `that is the problem, how to express so much in a few words?’

MECON `UNLIKE PROSE WHERE THESAURUS COMES TO READY USE’

Myself `easy write a prose, chop a few words and rhyme it religiously, you have poetry’

I and Me sarcastically ask `give an example?’

Myself `where I dwel,l lots of mosquitoes

                We sleep without repellants

                We all got malarias :p’

ICON `AND I VOMITING LIKE THE GUTTERS’

I staring disgustingly at Myself, says to Me `do you want to be a poet?’

Me `yes, but how to become a professional poet?’

I `Robert Frost once said to be a poet is a condition not a profession, so if you are interested in writing poetry, condition yourself, why don’t you try free verse?’

ICON ` HOW MUCH MONEY ROBERT FROST HAD MADE BY THE TIME HE MADE THIS STATEMENT?’

Me `what’s that?’

I `free verse is a form of poetry that does not use consistent meter patterns, rhyme or any other musical pattern’

Myself `Very simple, you can put together a physics law, an economic principle, etc and call it free verse’

MYSELFCON `    JUST AS IN

EVERY ACTION HAS AN OPPOSITE AND EQUAL REACTION

                                BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO ONE THING, YOU GIVE UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO OTHER

                                AS A POSTULATE IS TO BE TAKEN WITHOUT PROOF’

               

Patience runs out for I and Me and they storm out of the meet, Myself follows them giggling and glad about the fact that neither Me got interested in poetry nor I could discuss any serious poetry.

ICON, MECON AND MYSELF INDULGE IN SOME POETRY OF THEIR OWN

POETRY IS JUST A STORY

TOLD WITH WORDS WHICH ARE FLOWERY

IF YOU ARE NOT A POET

YOU DON’T HAVE KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS QUIET

TO MAKE HER AGREE, IT’S NOT POETRY OR PROSE

WHAT MATTERS IS HOW ROMANTICALLY OR GRANDLY YOU PROPOSE.

               

I, Me and Myself discuss on traffic indiscipline in our cities

I, Me and Myself recently met up to discuss the traffic indiscipline on our roads. Whenever we start our discussions, our consciences join the same and expose our hypocrisies. They are aptly named as ICON (I’s conscience), MECON (ME’s conscience) and MYSELFCON (MY’s conscience).

I hates traffic indiscipline whereas Me justifies it and Myself is having fun at the expense of the two.

I starts off by saying ` the traffic indiscipline in the city is getting disgusting’

Me `In such a busy life, traffic discipline becomes the first casualty?’

Myself `Let us face it I, you are disciplined because you don’t have the driving skills to be indisciplined’

Me `Ha, ha, that is so correct’

Myself `and you think being indisciplined is the only way to prove your driving skills’

MYSELFCON `He thinks by being humorous he will get away with the horrible language he uses while driving’

MECON `He is cunning always swears with the window shutters up and a smile on his face’

I `Motorists indiscipline create traffic jams’

Me `Why blame citizens when the roads are so narrow and everybody has to reach on time?’

Myself `Our citizens are capable of creating a traffic jam even on a 200ft road’

ICON `Traffic Jams happen when people don’t move orderly and stomach upset happens when people don’t eat orderly’

I `Motorist drive on the wrong side of the road, footpath and create a chaos everywhere. We don’t have lane discipline’

Me `When there are no vehicles coming from the other side, what is the wrong in driving on other side of the divider. Even otherwise vehicles coming from other side can see and adjust themselves’

Myself `as far as footpaths are concerned, if we don’t drive on it, the shopkeepers will encroach it, so by driving on it we are doing a service for the pedestrians’

MECON `People don’t mind a switch hit on a cricket field but on the road they can’t accept it’

MYSELF `The British practiced divide and rule, now the traffic police is doing the same thing with dividers and lane discipline, we won’t accept it’

ICON `Also we should stick to our national ideals, united we stand, divided we fall, so no lane discipline’

I `we park our vehicles wherever we want and obstruct traffic’

Me `The shopping complexes should provide for parking place, either they don’t have one or charge exorbitant rates, so we are forced to park on the roads’

Myself ` even if we park our cars in middle of the road, we put the parking lights on, that shows our traffic courtesy’

ICON `The problem is no matter how many hours you park your vehicle in a no parking area, you pay only Rs.100/-‘

MECON `Even if the Government increases the fine amount, these guys may demand a tax exemption for it but never follow the rules’

I `Have you seen the number of under aged drivers, chronic signal jumpers, perennial mobile talking drivers, non-helmet/ /seat belt wearers’

Me `It happens in such a big city, you will find each one won’t follow a traffic rule for their own compulsions, that does not mean we are unruly’

Myself `adding to what he said, you don’t have a traffic cop every 100 meters, so why we should follow the rules’

MECON `we practice unity in diversity as far as travesty of rules is concerned’

I, Me and Myself left the venue and in the background, ICON, MECON AND MYSELFCON were singing

                Rules, Rules, Traffic Rules they are never meant for fools

                Breaking rules makes us feel the king of roads.

                To Drink & Drive, a few strive

                Getting away without punishment helps the tribes thrive.

                Going Triples on a bike is our way of saving petrol

                Honk, Honk and Honk ensures wheels non-stop roll.

                Using mobiles while driving for non-stop talk

                High beam lights keeps away the dark.

                Who cares if we look like a selfish shark?

                Fancy fonts for our number plates

                Overloading School vans

                Feeds our devlish egos and greeds.

                The cops can keep the cameras to catch us

                But can they fine each one of us

                Even if they do, we will never learn traffic sense

                We are a free, free, free nation

                Where following the law is only an option.